I'm frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
I'm frustrated
9
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 2:57pm

My BF told me that he likes rough sex. He tells me that he has to be dominated and is looking for me to become that in bed. He wants me to use vibrators on him and spank him. He wants me to bound him and pretend to rape him and wear strapons.

I'm 55 and have never done such things. I find sexually assaulting a man terrible and I'm not confortable with this. I don't know what to do. He says this is something he must have. He had this relationship with another woman whom he fell in love with. We met because we are both clinically depressed and that is the reason he has separated himself from this other woman. I became a friend with benefits.

He feels that our sex is good but he says he has to have this other sex. Will he forget this stuff and keep normal sex with me?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 5:02pm

"Will he forget this stuff and keep sex normal with me?" First of all, if this is an FWB arrangement, then he's NOT your BF.

It's not likely that he'll suddenly become satisfied with regular sex. He's made it pretty clear what he wants from you so if he doesn't get it, he'll go elsewhere. And since he's not in love with you, why should he stop doing something he enjoys for an FWB? That wouldn't make any sense anyway, since the basis for an FWB IS sex.

This is way out of your comfort zone so IMO, you should get out of this situation before he attempts to pressure you into compliance and it becomes even MORE uncomfortable for you. Look for someone with similar ideas and interests and leave him to his.




Edited 10/21/2005 5:06 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 5:05pm
It does

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:56pm

He told you he NEEDS the domination. You aren't comfortable with it. If you're both clinically depressed, I can't imagine how a FWB situation can benefit either one of you. FWB's are depressing by their very nature!

If this is something you can't do (and I don't blame you!) and it's something he needs, then it's not going to work out. One of you has to change their ways, and I don't think either of you can.

I can't see how being in the company of another depressed person can do anything other than cause more damage to your state of mind. This man isn't for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 9:35am

I just read your post on the other board which is much more detailed then here.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 10:15am

Thank you for your comments.

He calls this woman his domme. I can't imagine a woman behaving like a man. My friends say that he has a lot of girl in him and is not behaving like a man. They have showm me pictures of that sort of sex and I find it scary and not good.

With time and therapy perhaps this stuff will stop with him. Perhaps if I give him more oral sex it will make up for what he feels he has lost in his domme.

This life style is not very normal or healthy I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 10-23-2005 - 10:40am
There is nothing wrong with him being a sub male and living the D/s lifestyle

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 6:09pm

"I can't imagine a woman behaving like a man"

They're not supposed to. Your bf sounds like he has a serious personality disorder. He needs therapy. Giving him a bj or whatever is not going to help anything. He needs to learn self control and to learn how to compromise. He can't have it all his way. You need to look after your own needs as well. If you feel this relationship isn't working and he refuses to get help with his problem then you need to consider finding a new bf. IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2005
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 10:09am
I know this was posted almost a year ago but maybe you're still reading the messages. Look, needs are needs and if he says he needs this, who do you think you are to tell him he doesn't? He needs it. Now what to do about it. You say you can't or won't. Fine. But he's not going to stop thinking about it or wanting it. Can you live with that? Do you actually care very much whether he is dissatisfied? Let go . . .
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 11:34am

Hi All,

Thanks for the replies.

I continue to see this man off and on. All through the holidays he spent as much time as possible still in chat with this other woman - though she did not come to see him. He sees me rarely and stays alone speaking only at times to his Domme. He still explains that we are only friends.

He has lost a lot of weight and talks a lot about this other woman - his Domme. I drive by his house and look for his car. Sometimes he answers his door at other times not. A few times I've let myself in because he rarely locks his doors. We talk for a bit then I leave. Occassionally we have sex - but not often. I think our sex bores him and only serves to alleviate his tension.

I'm in my fifties and there are few men in my village my age that is not married or alcoholics. I have little to relieve my depression at times and wish I could have this man more in my life. But he doesn't seem to be interested most of the time. And doesn't seem to care to behave like most men do here. He's an immigrant from Germany and I thought perhaps this was the reason for his strange behavior.

So I still have hope - but I'm looking to resume relationships with a married man that I've known for awhile.