Importance of sex in a relationship
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| Tue, 03-21-2006 - 6:55am |
Hi everyone,
I have a question for both the guys and the ladies.
Say if you are in a very loving relationship which is perfect on almost every respect.
You and your partner connect in many ways, and you are both very content...
Except for one problem: your partner is unable to satisfy you sexually.
For whatever reason, he or she is almost never in the mood, although you do kiss and cuddle often.
You know your partner is not cheating, and other than that one aspect your relationship is absolutely perfect.
How would you react? Would you leave? Would you cheat? Or would you be happy enough that every other aspect of the relationship is going great?
I guess what I'm trying to ask is how important sex is in a relationship for you.
I would like to see how the responds between men and women compare!

How would you react?
I agree with Tish. If everything else is perfect the sex, or lack of sex can be worked out. The "satisfaction" can be worked out. That's what "communication" is all about.
Would I leave? No, I'd try to work it out so that we'd both be satisfied. Would I cheat? NEVER. If things in the relationship deteriorated so badly that I would even THINK of cheating, then I'd end the relationship and be free to look elsewhere. I can only envision that happening if he was just plain selfish or lazy.
If I truly cared about someone, and something happened to him physically so that sex was impossible (meaning intercourse), there would be other ways to work it out. It would be very unusual for it to be impossible to show some form of affection, or even sexual satisfaction.
I'm talking about long term relationships, or marriage. If it was a brand new dating situation, I might consider whether or not it was worth taking it further.
Luckily, my DH and I have always felt the same way about this.
Sex is VERY important in a marriage, it's what makes it different from any other relationship we have. BUT it's not THE most important part of our marriage. The respect, friendship and companionship are the most important aspects.
So, if one of us is incapacitated or ill and unable to provide that for the other in the future, OR we find that we are not completely satisfied for some reason, then I have no doubt that our marriage will survive and we will find a way to make things better if possible. After all, we HAVE stood the test of time already. We have gone through rough patches where sex was the last thing on our minds and survived 30 years together.
Edited 3/21/2006 10:05 am ET by katmandoo2001
It's tough to answer since it's hypothetical. For me, it would really depend upon the specifics of all the other stuff and the nature of the relationship as to whether or not I'd stay or it would become a different kind of relationship.
So while sex is important to me, it wouldn't necessarily determine the outcome of a relationship.
IMO sex is not the MOST important factor in a relationship, but it is important.
Was married for 17 yrs - had about 10 yrs of great sex, maybe 2 years of so-so sex and then 5 years of either none or once a year. This is what I learned: There is nothing more precious than two bodies touching (including hugs, kisses and arms around each other) and there is nothing more lonely than sleeping next to person, who claims he loves you but won't touch you. It truly physically and emotionally hurts! Specially when you don't know the reason why he won't touch you. Maybe if he talked about it and gave me reasons why the change, I could have learned to adapt, but he refused to discuss it. To this day I have no clue why, yet I'm positive there was no one else (he was always home). Needless to say, after 5 years of maybe 3 times of sex, I couldn't take the rejection any more (of course there were other issues too, but physical touch was one of the top two!), and I walked away from the man I loved because I couldn't continue to deny myself for the rest of my life (I was 37).
Now, your words of <<>> is a lot different than someone who won't touch you. Being able to satisfy someone could be become a learned lesson, not a personal choice.
But then again, your words of <<>> could mean that maybe you'll never be satisfied in the manner that you want, but are you willing to compromise and loving accept what they ARE willing to give?
Talk, talk and then talk again (maybe even with a sex therapist). For us females a little hugging, kissing and cuddling can go a long way (sometimes that's all I want - solely to be wrapped up in his arms), but for men that connection may only be the start of things. You gotta look deep inside of you and determine how much you're willing to compromise.
See it took me over 5 years to realize that his lack of need ALWAYS over-rid my needs and that's no compromise (specially when the hugs & kissing stopped). But be assured the man said he loved me and didn't want to lose me, but still wouldn't touch me! Go figure!
If a couple are both low libido, then sex may not be a big deal..If both people are high libido, then its probably a moot point because they are probably are at each other most of the time. (as long as the rest of the relationship is doing well)... I think were the biggest problem arises(no pun) is when one person is a high libido and their mate is a low libido... One could care less and the other feels they are being denied. Communication is important here, but the willingness to compromise is ultimately what determinds the outcome of the problem. They can communicate all they want, but if the low libido person truly could care less, then its going to eat at the high libido person until resentment sets in.
After my divorce, and later on when the courtship began with the woman who is now my wife, everything was discussed, childern(bite your tongue)sex, careers, money, vacations, everything.
I had an advantage of knowing her first as a good friend and confidant, so I knew she was high libido from the start.