Marriage is both people giving. Now whatever it is that he wants you to do but it turns you off then in a way you are doing something you don't want to but you do it for him, I think he should do the same for you! Personally I don't think I would do something that turns me off, unless I knew my partner really enjoyed it but he dam well better do some stuff I want to do also. It is a two way street.If you really don't like it then maybe you should tell him again, you won't do it because you don't like it. If he cares for you he shouldn't ask you to do something you are againts.
Now as far as you telling him what turns you on and him not doing them, are you sure he understands what you like? If he does understand and chooses not to do them, well then you have a problem. Especially in married sex both partners should be satisfied, that is the whole point. Now many times the other partner may not get it right but they should at least try. There is no place for selfishness in a sexual relationship!
Now after 9 years it is hard to change things but it can be done! Sit down and tell him you want to talk and he needs to listen because this is a huge problem. Explain to him what he ask you to do turns you off but you do it because you know it turns him on. That if you are willing to do this for him then he HAS to do things for you! That you want your sex life to be
I wonder if you're trying to compare the two lovers you have had? That can often create a lot of problems for you. It takes two people to make a relationship good.
Are the things that your DH asks you to do a turn off because you feel you're being cheated (as in -- he's not doing anything to get you turned on), or because you actually dislike them? I know that there are a lot of things that I might not find to be a turn on if I sit and think about them outside of a sexual encounter -- however, when in the middle of the act, they are a huge turn on. Sometimes the turn on is how they feel, or make me feel .... other times, it's just a turn on to see how much he is enjoying what's taking place. The whole thing feeds upon itself.
While you say you've talked to your husband, how you have talked to him can make a huge difference too. To be effective, you really should talk to him outside of the bedroom and not be accusatory in your conversation. Using "I" language is a good idea for this. To say "I need you to stimulate me during foreplay" should be much more effective than saying "you never stimulate me during foreplay". Usually, if one person feels he/she is being attacked, then he/she will shut down. The conversation then becomes ineffective.
"I think it's because when I do what he likes I don't enjoy it and he feels that I should get into it more, but it just turns me off. I think it's because when I do what he likes I don't enjoy it and he feels that I should get into it more, but it just turns me off."
You're not sharing what it is that he's asking you to do, so it's a bit difficult to really reply to this. I don't know if he's asking you to do something that's really "out there" or something that you just don't find to be a turn on (which could be french kissing for all I know). Maybe if you were already turned on before doing these "things" you would get into it. I'm going to add some article links here that you might find helpful:
As others have said, it could be that your DH is a selfish lover. If that's the case, then use the information here to your advantage when you have a chat with him. Try to get him to come up with some solutions to what you're feeling .... and then make him live up to your agreement. If you see areas where you need improvement, then make some commitments of your own, and also live up to them.
Good luck, and keep us posted on how things are going.
Pages
Marriage is both people giving. Now whatever it is that he wants you to do but it turns you off then in a way you are doing something you don't want to but you do it for him, I think he should do the same for you! Personally I don't think I would do something that turns me off, unless I knew my partner really enjoyed it but he dam well better do some stuff I want to do also. It is a two way street.If you really don't like it then maybe you should tell him again, you won't do it because you don't like it. If he cares for you he shouldn't ask you to do something you are againts.
Now as far as you telling him what turns you on and him not doing them, are you sure he understands what you like? If he does understand and chooses not to do them, well then you have a problem. Especially in married sex both partners should be satisfied, that is the whole point. Now many times the other partner may not get it right but they should at least try. There is no place for selfishness in a sexual relationship!
Now after 9 years it is hard to change things but it can be done! Sit down and tell him you want to talk and he needs to listen because this is a huge problem. Explain to him what he ask you to do turns you off but you do it because you know it turns him on. That if you are willing to do this for him then he HAS to do things for you! That you want your sex life to be
Welcome to the board, chelona0313.
I wonder if you're trying to compare the two lovers you have had? That can often create a lot of problems for you. It takes two people to make a relationship good.
Are the things that your DH asks you to do a turn off because you feel you're being cheated (as in -- he's not doing anything to get you turned on), or because you actually dislike them? I know that there are a lot of things that I might not find to be a turn on if I sit and think about them outside of a sexual encounter -- however, when in the middle of the act, they are a huge turn on. Sometimes the turn on is how they feel, or make me feel .... other times, it's just a turn on to see how much he is enjoying what's taking place. The whole thing feeds upon itself.
While you say you've talked to your husband, how you have talked to him can make a huge difference too. To be effective, you really should talk to him outside of the bedroom and not be accusatory in your conversation. Using "I" language is a good idea for this. To say "I need you to stimulate me during foreplay" should be much more effective than saying "you never stimulate me during foreplay". Usually, if one person feels he/she is being attacked, then he/she will shut down. The conversation then becomes ineffective.
"I think it's because when I do what he likes I don't enjoy it and he feels that I should get into it more, but it just turns me off. I think it's because when I do what he likes I don't enjoy it and he feels that I should get into it more, but it just turns me off."
You're not sharing what it is that he's asking you to do, so it's a bit difficult to really reply to this. I don't know if he's asking you to do something that's really "out there" or something that you just don't find to be a turn on (which could be french kissing for all I know). Maybe if you were already turned on before doing these "things" you would get into it. I'm going to add some article links here that you might find helpful:
3 Surefire Ways to Please a Man in Bed
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextechnique/0,,drpatti_mg4w,00.html
10 All-Time Best Bedroom Tricks
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextechnique/0,,traceycox_b1g0g04t,00
10 Things Good Girls Can Learn from Porn Stars
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextechnique/0,,9x7nhpjx,00.html
Solutions to Your Top Two Communication Problems
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,saver_7p3g,00.html
3 Communication Pitfalls to Avoid
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,7mcw,00.html
As others have said, it could be that your DH is a selfish lover. If that's the case, then use the information here to your advantage when you have a chat with him. Try to get him to come up with some solutions to what you're feeling .... and then make him live up to your agreement. If you see areas where you need improvement, then make some commitments of your own, and also live up to them.
Good luck, and keep us posted on how things are going.
Pages