Initiating sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Initiating sex
11
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 9:35pm

This is really beginning to bother me and I need to vent about this. My friends are so into their own relationships, they're totally being of no help at all.

My bf have been together for a year and 8 months. Things have gone well for us sexually, we're both experiemental and our libido's have meshed well.

The problem I have with this stems beyond our sexual relationship. It's been a reoccuring problem since we began the relationship.

Basically, my bf is really selfish and I help support that selfishness by the things I do.(This is the main issue) In regards to sex, he never shows me that he wants me. He'll do things like peek at my thong or try to look down my shirt. But he never just initiates sex. He sits there and literally WAITS for me to initiate it. And one time I didn't and about an hour before his parents usually come home he finally tried to. But he's so used to things falling in his lap. He's so used to things going his way all the time; accomodating his wants and needs, that he never seeks or pursues anything. This is how he was before and he's still like this.

I'm so torn because there's my ex bf and these other guys that I don't even remotely care about as much I do him, who pursue me relentlessly (not sexually). They'll do anything to be with me! And then my boyfriend doesn't even show me that he wants to have sex with me?? I KNOW he does. But I HATE that I always give in. I ALWAYS initiate first and if I don't we won't do anything sexually at all! It drives me nuts.

I sit here and think about this and I can't make sense of why I've ALWAYS had to give in. For everything, for our prom, for our trip in montreal, for SO many other things. I've talked to him about this. I told him I'm not giving in anymore. If I wanna do something I'm doing it and I don't care if that's what he wants anymore because he's just pushed me too much. he admits that he's used to ppl doing what he wants. But I STILL give in when it comes to sex. I want a man to WANT me, I want a man to show me that he wants me and I don't want him to WAIT until I SAY I wanna have sex. I know it might sound stupid and I feel so bad for being so annoyed at him but I can't help it. If a man is comfortable with you and you've been together for a while, shouldn't you BOTH be able to say "Hun you look amazing, I totally want you right now." "Get upstairs."...stuff like that? I'm just so tired of being the initiator all the time.

Sorry, I'm probably rambling but I just needed to vent.

Ta ta.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: smashie19
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:06am

Why not stop doing it! If he was a drug addict, and you wanted him to quit, would you give him drugs? If he was an alcoholic, would you give him liquor?

Why should he change? You're doing it all for him. If you want to stop a behavior, you don't enable it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
In reply to: smashie19
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:17am
I totally AGREE with you but then that means no sex for me lol. Honestly..I know that sounds so selfish. But I don't initiate it for just him..I want to do it obviously. It's just that the way I am is I'll do whatever (ie. initiate sex) and then one day I'm gonna snap out of it and say no more and not have sex until he initiates it all the time. (I'm an all or nothing kinda gal) And I don't want that to happen because that's not fair to him or me. I'm just trying to decide whether this is a lost cause...is he always gonna be like this despite our conversations about it? Can this really change? I'm trying to be realistic but it's pretty difficult.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: smashie19
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 1:45am

What kind of conversations have you had about it? YOu talking, and him not listening, I would guess.

Again, if you don't like the way it is, then stop enabling him. If he finally figures out that he's not getting any sex, then that might wake him up. You WILL live without it until that happens! No one says it will be easy, but if you want it to change, then YOU have to change, too.

As long as he knows he doesn't have to do it, he won't do it.

This is like disciplining a child. It might not work the first time, or the second time, but eventually even a child begins to understand that if they misbehave, there are consequences. The same goes for a lazy or selfish man. When he realizes that it's not working for him, he'll change his ways. If he doesn't, then you can decide whether or not it'll be his way, or the highway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: smashie19
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 7:51am

I agree with Dakine, you are enabling him by doing everything for him.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
In reply to: smashie19
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 11:20am

Well, a couple weeks ago we ran into a big problem. I really didn't like the way he was treating me and I told him I wanted to be alone and I didn't want any contact with him for a couple days. I was FUMED. Anyways a couple days later we began talking again and he was very apologetic and everything was good but we decided to bring up our concerns regarding the relationship. He brought up some of his, I brought up some of mine. And one of mine was (in a shorter version) this.

I said: You always expect me to change things for you, do things for you and then when I want you to do something for me you never ever do. I'm not gonna give in anymore. I think the reason why you're like this is because your whole life people have done what you wanted. I don't mind doing things for you or even changing my plans for you but when you refuse to do it for me, I mind. You have to try to change that because it's going to be a bigger problem. Also-- you gotta be more aggressive when it comes to sex. I need to you initiate more because I'm just gettin tired of initiating all the time.

His respone: I know, it's because everyone does what I want and everything falls into place. I'm not like you, who goes out and gets what she's after, I let things come to me because that's how it's always been. And with sex, I always figured it'll just happen. No need to push it. And another part of it too, not as big of one, what if you say no, or push me away? I don't want to make you mad or anything or feel like I'm pressuring you.**I know it's gonna stop one day and I know I shouldn't expect you to do things for me, I don't but it just happens that you do**

Tish...I actually made a post regarding how "he's such a kid" on another board. I do realize he really does act like a child who expects the world to revolve around him. The thing is, I'm the type of person that if I love you, I'm really loyal to you and I enjoy seeing you happy and keepings things sound. So I think my temprament has enabled him, like you said, to continue this. He's not doing it on purpose. I know he's not sitting there thinking, "Oh I don't have to do anything, she'll do it all." But indirectly, he acts that way.

The thing is, I don't know exactly how to handle this. I really haven't given into the things I'd normally give into with him since we had that talk. If I wanna do something, I go do it. If I have plans, I keep them. I'm making an effort to change (for myself, more than anything). When it comes to sex though, I don't want to avoid initiating ever again. But how do you suggest I go about changing his behaviour? I don't want to play games, that's why I'm kind of unsure. This might sound stupid but..should I just not initiate until he does, for the time being?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: smashie19
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 1:06pm

<<>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: smashie19
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 3:56pm
It sounds like a power-play....and just plain arrogance. I'd beware if I were you. You only know him for a year and a half. Control-freaks use subtle tactics, sometimes spanning years, to gain power over their unsuspecting victims. Unless he's that clueless about how important this is for you, he's enjoying whatever his payoff is(Dr. Phil) in continuing with this behavior--regardless of how you feel. Ask yourself, what is his payoff? To watch you squirm? Take heed.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: smashie19
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 4:13pm

I didn't read this response before I responded to your first post. I personally wouldn't go as far as withholding sex or initiating to "teach" him a lesson or "motivate" him. I would just keep communicating what it is that I want.

The bottom line is, if he cares enough, he'll listen and he'll change(because he wants to). Unless he's mentally challenged or you're simply not communicating in a manner that he comprehends just how important this is, then there's no excuse for his behavior...and you have to face the fact that he may just be playing with you. That's the reality. People do what they do because that's what they want to do. If he wants to please you, and make you happy, he will. Right now, he's not doing that.....and that's what you should be analyzing--the "why" he does what he does. Ask yourself, "Why is he choosing to continue to choose behavior that makes me unhappy instead of making such a small change to make me happy? Chances are, this won't be the only time you'll be asking yourself this. In other words, this "type" of behavior is pervasive, and will most likely rear it's ugly head in the future with respect to other important matters. If he's choosing NOT to make you happy with respect to such an important issue like sex, after only a year and half, then how do you think he'll act in five years? Ten?

I would just keep my eyes open and VOICE my feelings. Forcing him to act in the way you want, may just get you results that you want for now, but I doubt that they'll truly be effective in the long run. YOU should only have to "tell" him what you NEED, you shouldn't have to "force" him to obey.




Edited 11/22/2005 4:16 pm ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
In reply to: smashie19
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 10:52pm

Rain dancer...
No I haven't only known him for a year and a half, we've been together as a couple that long. I've known him for about 6 years. We went to high school together.

Tish..
He's not acting like this on purpose. He's not trying to hurt me. I know this. He's being selfish because that's how he is. I really think it stems from the way his family treats him to be honest. To know a bit more about him, he's 19 years old, about to turn 20 in a couple months, he's in business school and the same university I go to and he has a part time job. But maybe this will help explain the way he is. His parents do everything for him: they do his laundry, make all his meals, buy him things he needs. Another thing is. he's REALLY smart. And it all comes really easy to him. He recieved amazing grades in school and never really had to study or work really hard for them and also, just at gradtuation he received a $30,000 scholarship to University. His life has just been really easy for him.

He's a good person. Honestly, I've known him for so long and he's always been a very kind person, wouldn't hurt a fly. (Literally, he picks them out and takes them outside lol)He's responsible. He tries to be a good boyfriend too. I know my boyfriend enough to trust that he's not NOT intiating sex out of spite or for some stupid reason. He genuinely thinks it'll just happen.

Thanks for the advice though, I'm gonna talk to him again. I know he's gonna listen, I just hope he takes me seriously enough that it doesn't start bugging me again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: smashie19
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 1:55am

>> His parents do everything for him: <<
Yep. That's how it happens. He never needed to think about where anything was coming from or how to get it or indeed what life would be like without it. However, he is coming to a point in his life in the next few years where Mummy and Daddy won't be there to do things for him. He better hope that he finds a g/f that will and makes enough money to not have to worry about the other things.

I think that you should start teaching him how to look after himself. Like you would a child because this boy never got the training when he was younger. Cause and effect. Action or inaction and consequences. You say that you are loyal and look after him. Well, stop doing some of those things. I mean little things like, for example, ironing a shirt that he needs for an interview or work. You might know that he needs it, but just ignore it. If he asks for help, SHOW him how to do it rather than just doing it. Do you want to be chained to a lifetime of ironing his shirts no matter how inconvenient it is for you at the time? Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for life.
How about knowing where his shoes can be found? Let him find them. Rmembering that appointment? Let him do it.
Romantically? Tell him that it's his turn to book somewhere for dinner and a night out? If he doesn't do it, it doesn't happen, and you don't feel like sex tonight. Sit on the couch with him day after day until he makes a move. Sure, go ahead and tell him that you're feeling frisky tonight - but then go back to watching the TV and let him come to you.

The problem of course is that he may find another woman that will do all this stuff for him. But then that might be the best thing unless you want to suffer like this the rest of your life. Heck, you're sick of it now. Unless he changes I'd give him away to anyone I could find so that I wouldn't be stuck with him myself.

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