Initiationg sex but not all the way
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| Fri, 02-01-2008 - 4:18pm |
I've been flirting with a guy at work. He's in his 60s, I'm 40 something. He took the inititative at a party, touching me gently. I responded positively. He knew that I was interested. We do work together, and we are very cold towards each other at work, just not to make people notice it. There are no feelings, or hopes for a future relationship. In this case I know that it's pure pleasure and pleasure only.
We've been away on conferences twice. He really made clear to me that he wanted to see me late that night. He came to my room. We cuddled, he licked me, he really made me moan, but not going all the way. He was aroused, but then he lost his erection. My gentle touches, no, no, no effects. So we kissed and lay close a while. I asked if there was anything I could do for him, but he said no. You're so nice to me. That night, he suffered from lumbago, and he really had a hard time moving. I don't if this is connected with his loss of erection, not being able to be as active as he might want to. Anyway, he seemed to appreciate it, and I enjoyed it. Not being shy but showing him that I really was willing to more. The morning after, we had breakfast, quite neutrally. Had a quick morning walk, where he took my hand for a while. Caution: we didn't want anyone to see us.
Since then, we've met a couple of nights at work, him just dropping by. Some kissing and touching in a dark kitchen. Mmmm. Of course nothing more can be done at work. One night at work, he stayed in his office, I popped in just to ask him sth that had to do w our jobs, he replied being as strict as ever. Hmmm, doesn't he want me any more, I thought. But 2 min later, he reached out his arms towards me and said: come.
Last week, we went to a conference together. When going by bus, sitting next to him, I felt his hand on my thigh, caressing me gently, on the bus. Mmmm, I got all aroused. He as well. After dinner, when going to our separate hotel rooms, he said: I'll be with you in a few. Yes, and 10 min later he was knocking on my door. He lay down on my bed, me next to him. We caressed each other, he was hot, I was oh so hot. He made me turn over, on my tummy, he on top (underwear still on), his movements on top of me and the frictions towards the bed made me come. Then I was expecting him to mount me. We undressed. I made him. I wanted him to penetrate me, or I expected him to. But no. He started licking me. Ah, he wants to make it last longer, I thought, smiling. But then, when he finished eating me, and turned over, I reached out to touch him, he had gone all soft. My touches didn't help. My tongue did help him a bit, but it didn't get that hard. And he did not make any efforts to help himself nor did he show any willingness trying to penetrate me. We hugged and kissed a while, and then he left, so that people wouldn't see us int the morning.
The morning after, we had to work together. I went to his hotel room to do some report reading. Strictly professional. Not a touch, not a single glance. Then we went out to have lunch. We had some private conversations, such as making clear that our relationship is the kind of "if we feel like it, go for it. No ties. Keep it simple. Lust." Then he made a funny comment, imagining that there would be headlines in the local paper: "Teacher having a drink at noon, during office hours, with her lover. Students left on their own." (Yep, we were on a trip with teenager students. However, they were taken care of all day at another school.) He then considered himself my lover!
On the bus trip on our way home, he hesitated for a while, then he touched my thigh, and then all the way up, rubbing my ..... (under a jacket that served as a blanket). I said: You make me crazy or you are crazy...(being that daring on the bus etc) He touched me until I was moaning and only seconds from climax. Then he stopped!!! Pretending to be professional again.
So guys, why doesn't he really wants to have sex, penetration, i.e? I know that I am not that attractive, I am plump, but he knew that already, before seing me naked. I am pretty confident when it comes to sex, I do not hesitate to show that I'm willing and liking it. But was it really an anti turn on? If it's that way, he wouldn't go on teasing me the day after, would he? Does he have some "real" problems getting hard or staying hard? Why doesn't he want me to make it nice for him? Is it enough for him to make the woman enjoy sex? Is he uncertain if I really want to go all the way? Is he afraid that he hasn't brought a rubber? Don't worry, I have.
Facts added to this case: he seems to be sexually confident, when showing me that he wants sex, inviting himself to my room etc. And I also know that he's somewhat known for having affairs, and he is an experienced man, not being shy. Yet, he doesn't go all the way with me. Why?
Edited 2/1/2008 4:25 pm ET by blancheneige66

I would say that it's entire an issue of him having erection problems and not a lack of attraction. He's in his sixties so it could easily be physical or health problems. Then there are the emotional issues. He may not have had sex for a long time and be nervous and feeling some sort of performance anxiety. He may have some issues from past relationships and just feel a little "funny" about being with someone new. Perhaps he doesn't feel any need to rush intercourse and is just enjoying the sex without the pressure of intercourse at this time?
I don't think that anyone could say for sure what it is. He's the one that will have the best idea of why. Heck, even he may not really know or understand why.
I would carry on much as you are doing now. No need to pressure him. You could always just ask him one day (not actually during the sex though) if he knows that you would like intercourse. If he seems defensive you could just pass it off and say something like "I guess it sounds silly, but I hadn't actually said that I wanted intercourse and I thought that you might think that I don't want it yet".
But at the same time, it sounds like you are giving him clear permission to do so, so I doubt that he's being coy about it and waiting for clear verbal permission from you. Then again, maybe you could tell him that you want him "in you" once or twice?
And if it's erection problems, I guess he feels a bit awkward about it, and that I shouldn't make much fuzz about it? That it might be an embarrassing situation
Welcome to the board, blancheneige66.
It sounds to me like he's having problems with ED. The causes of that can vary from medical conditions to psychological concerns. Do the two of you ever discuss your relationship, or what your intentions are? He could be concerned about your marriage (or his own if he's married too), or he could have hangups about getting involved with a co-worker. While he might be feeling lust toward you, he may be hesitant to take it to the point of intercourse -- feeling as if he isn't causing problems that way. He may also have medical conditions that contribute to the ED.
Do you feel that you can have a conversation with him about all of this? Perhaps one of the times that the two of you are having lunch together or on a walk, you could ask him if he's seen a doctor or has any medication for ED, or why he hasn't tried to have intercourse with you.
Build Your Own Toy Story!
Yes, we've talked about our intentions. Plain and simple. Direct. Casual sex, if we have the opportunity. Nothing serious. We live our separate lives.
Mentioning ED would feel a little bit awkward, as if I'm accusing him of not being willing or potent enough. That might scare him away. I've thought of a more soft approach, compassionate and understanding, taking pleasure in other ways of having sex...But I really would like him to go all the way. Silly me, as if that would be some kind of proof that he can be turned on by me...
That very first evening, on the coach on the way to the hotel, when he
>>And if it's erection problems, I guess he feels a bit awkward about it, and that I shouldn't make much fuss about it?<<
If it is erection problems, then sure, he will feel awkward about it. Who wouldn't? We all know that your encounters are leading towards intercourse (and probably should have already arrived there) but he's avoiding it. He not stupid. He knows that he can only do that for so long before you start asking questions and wanting to know why he won't have intercourse with you. You can't ignore it either, and it is going to be an issue within the next couple of encounters if he avoids it again. Just don't make a fuss about it when you do ask him. Ask a couple of questions, and if it is ED offer to help if necessary, and do what you can to support him and help. Nothing wrong with that. The only thing that can go "wrong" is to make a performance out of it by getting upset and annoyed, or getting too warm and fuzzy and understanding and supportive and make an issue out of it in that way. Either it's a temporary thing or it isn't and making a performance one way or another isn't going to make him feel good when he tries to get it up next time. We all know that performance at anything is affected if you know someone is watching. If they've made a big deal out of it then perfoming can be even harder.
>>I don't want to pressure him, but I would so very much like to give him as much pleasure as he gives me...<<
Of course you would, but it's difficult to do that if he finishes up once you're done or avoids sex. Don't panic about that too much. You can't return a favour if a person won't let you.
Unable to return a favour, unable to please him the way I'd like to...Wanting him to desire me...to keep this flirt going. Add some spice...Him being almost a dual personality. Strict and flirtatious at the same time, or changing every 2 hours...
I wonder if he wants to "risk" trying a third time, or if he's afraid of ED again...