Insecurities, Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Insecurities, Please help
17
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:30am

I have one of those crazy personal questions that I really need help with and I have no idea where to start.

Background history. My exhusband and I were married for a year and a half. During that time, he was verbally and physically abusive. Since that time, I have moved out and on my own, for about a year and a half. But during that time that we were married, he only went down on me once.]

When he did, he only did it for a second, saying that I was "funny and nasty looking there and that he couldn't take the smell." Now, I am healthy and clean and normal, so there isn't anything medically going on that I could think of, just that natural thing that I assume all women have when they get excited.

Now obviously, I have met someone else who I am EXTREMELY close to. He and I have talked about everything, he knows my previous situation and how some things are very hard for me to deal with. But he really enjoys going down on me, and seems to really want to. I have let him do it only a handful of times, and no longer than for about two minutes until I start pulling him away because I feel so miserable. I never enjoy it when he does because I am wondering if he is thinking about what my ex said.

I asked him point blank if he minded anything about me and he said no, that I was beautiful and perfect to him and nothing about a natural female reaction could turn him off. He said that he does it and WANTS to do it because he geniuenely enjoys doing it because knowing that what he does gets him excited. He said that in all honesty, he enjoys it because he said that it's erotic and sexy. And like I said, I am clean and take all neccessary precautions, so it's nothing except when we have sex.

I just want to know why, after all that he told me and I believe him, am I still uncomfortable? I want to experience oral, GOOD oral, and believe me, the emotional feelings are there. I want to know, is that a natural reaction, the whole women's scent thing? And if there are any men here, what is your true opinion of a women's scent? I am really embarrased, although like I said, I did talk to him about this so he would know that it's not him. Are there any tips someone could offer me and does this have anything to do with my ex? I have pretty much dealt with everything else.

Mandee

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 2:04am

Darn your ex for traumatizing you like that! It's lousy enough when we feel a lack of confidence about ourselves, but when a significant other--someone we trust to have our best interests at heart--reacts to our vulnerabilities by further trying to break us down, it can be truly traumatizing, and those traumas can remain with us for life. Having had a physically and verbally abusive upbringing, I know whereof I speak.

I'm so glad that you've found someone who seems like a really supportive and caring guy. You deserve it after what you've been through. And it sounds like you're doing just great so far!

Since your current situation bothers you to the point of not being able to enjoy it as much as you'd like, you might want to consult with a therapist in order to get to the bottom of what sound like self-esteem-related issues. I think it could be a great help to you in healing past traumas that are still obviously having a significant impact in this area, and in doing so will ultimately free you so that you can get all the pleasure out of this act that you so deserve.

As far as the more specific question that you asked, I think you might be bombarded with a bunch of responses later in the day (I happen to keep very unorthodox hours) from men who will tell you how much the natural scent of a woman excites them, and women who will speak of husbands and boyfriends who are very excited by their scent.

No, not every single man feels this way. But many, many do. And the ones that do, often feel very strongly about it. Currently I'm not in a relationship. But when I am, I can tell you that cunnilingus is right up there at the top of my preference list with intercourse. Even when I'm not in a relationship, as now, my fantasies will inevitably be as focused upon going down, as much as they are on intercourse.

And it's not just the scent, by the way--as exciting as that is--but the total experience of providing oral pleasure. In bringing pleasure this way, I also bring much pleasure to myself. I'm not ashamed to say that I've climaxed many times while doing this (don't tell this to anyone, but I personally get such a thrill out of it that I actually climaxed on the way there a couple of times, while my mouth had only gotten as far as my partner's belly!).

There is something about having my mouth upon the very location of her ultimate pleasure, that is almost indescribable. The softness of her skin, her sweet, musky scent as she becomes more and more excited, the warmth emanating from her, her wetness, exploring her wonderful hills and valleys, her body trembling, the pelvic gyrations, thrusts, and vocal moans she expresses as she approaches orgasm. My being there to drink her 'love juices' as she climaxes, all-the-while knowing how much pleasure I'm bringing to and receiving from her...

I certainly hope that you'll do whatever it takes to work on the difficulties you're having that prevent you from enjoying this wonderful experience to your heart's content.

Good luck!

E :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 2:46am

Mandee......I can completely understand how you feel, because almost the same thing happened to me. My ex wanted me to do it for him, but when I said I wanted oral from him, he told me THAT was disgusting. (He was my first, and I'd never experienced oral, but I'd heard about it and was curious!) Well, after a while, I decided that if he couldn't reciprocate, then I wouldn't do it for him either. THAT got his attention. So he begrudgingly consented to try it. After about two seconds, he ran gagging to the bathroom where I heard him brush his teeth and gargle! He never SAID anything, but needless to say, I never asked him to do it again.

Many years later, after I divorced him, I was in a relationship with a man who headed right for it, and I stopped him. It took a long time for me to allow him to do it, and just like you, I'd stop him quickly. It wasn't only the hang up I had from what my ex had done, but I felt "guilty" that I was just laying there, and he was doing all the "work". I honestly didn't understand, just like you, that despite my ex's disgust, there are some men who LOVE doing it, not only for your pleasure, but their own. One night, he said "OK......you are not going to stop me this time! If it takes an hour, I'll keep doing it till you have an orgasm (I was 43 and had NEVER had an orgasm of any kind at that point!)" It didn't work that night......but it did a few times later, and I've never had a problem with it since.

Despite your ex's ignorance, you have to understand that all men aren't like him, and that many men love doing it. This guy loves it, and he wants you to love it too. Allow him to do it as long as he wants to, and just relax and enjoy it. He obviously doesn't think like your ex and mine. Think of it as giving HIM pleasure if that will help you.

It's very difficult to put everything else out of your mind, but I did it and you can too. Don't think about how long it takes, don't think about how hard he's working, just think about HOW GOOD it feels.....and nothing else. You can do it if you put your mind to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:11pm

Totally off the point - but I thoroughly enjoyed reading your words of <<>>.

As a female, I find it amazing that I have orgasmed while giving head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:22pm
***DELETED BY POSTER***


Edited 2/9/2006 1:12 pm ET by mr_e_steubing
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:26pm
I can only offer two suggestions: 1) Keep up the communication and openly discuss your fears and hurt. 2) It's gonna sound silly and it's quite hard to explain: Try to get him to play with you down there (start with fingers first) without it being a "sex event". As you lay there, or sit there, free up your brain and just "feel". Do this as often as you two want but the goal is for you to become comforatble enough (without the pressure "of sex") feeling his body down there. Also, watch him and maybe even talk to him while he's doing it so that you can see how much pleasure/enjoyment he's having. Once you're comfortable with his hands then have him do oral, again not as a "sex event". IMO, you need to remove "the pressure" from yourself to enjoy at the same time you need to learn how to enjoy it. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:29pm
tee hee. I think she added the disclaimer because her "compliment" to you was totally off point, not that YOU were off point. At least that's the way I read it. It was a very nice post, BTW.
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 1:11pm

Thanks for the clarification, Rain. Went back and read her post, and omg--you're right! I apologize for the misinterpretation, Uno. I have scheduled the detonation of my post for a few moments from now.

OK, I better get some food. MY insecurity issues never seem to present themselves while my sugar levels are stable!

E :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 2:11pm

Loved your post too. Anyone would be lucky to have you as their SO Mr E Steubing. Based on this post and others you have written, you seem like a really amazing person.

I also think your response to the poster was heartfelt and really insightful. Thank God for places like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 8:13pm

Mandee

I think it may be you due to your comments and experiences from your Ex.
I would have to agree with you new partner (yes I am a male)He is doing it because it is erotic and sexy, he enjoys it and so should you. trust me if he did not like it he would not continue.
There is 1 thing everyone is created slightly differant shape, size
The labia on a women may very from thickness and size, just like a male penis some are curved some are shaped differant and the commen thing your hear alot SIZE

Obviously your Ex never got around much, you show me a man that does not like oral on their lover and I will eat my words.
There is always going to be a slight odor if any, I am sure you have experienced it on your partner.

I really think you should try to put the comments your husband told you completly out of your mind and relax, If your new partner has expressed his liking for oral on you then....Enjoy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 8:24pm
Hi there, you don't know me as I'm new here but...as you will quickly learn, I have to put my 2 cents in, take it with a grain of salt. I am a woman who loves to give and recieve oral. I have had some amazing lovers that as I like to say, "dig in like a man at a buffet who haven't eaten for a week". I'm new so somebody PLEASE tell me if I get too graphic, my regular board has to pull me in some times. LOL. Just like many women don't like to give oral, or will do it as a "gift" but won't swallow there are men out there who don't like to give it. This is their issue, not yours. It is so sad that you got this guy as your first, society likes to teach women that sex is bad and make us insecure so you weren't batting that great to begin with. There are people, who love to give oral, that in and of itself is a sexual turn on for them, like moi! I, too, can orgasm just from giving. My suggestion to you is, let the man have his cake, you'd be depriving him, and you wouldn't want that, now would you? No, I know. So here's my idea, if you are having a difficult time with this, have a bath or shower together first. You're killing 2 birds with one stone, great soapy forplay while he gets you squeaky clean and putting your mind at rest. And another fun idea is using flavoured lube. I know food always sounds like a fun idea but it's a no-no usually. Chocolate syrup and whip cream are full of sugar and don't react well to your areas. Gawd, it is so hard not to slip in some fun words!!! Do you guys always stick to the actual name of things? I'll need to research. I'm losing my train of thought, again, so I will end here. Hope some of that helped.

 

Pages