Insecurities, Please help
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| Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:30am |
I have one of those crazy personal questions that I really need help with and I have no idea where to start.
Background history. My exhusband and I were married for a year and a half. During that time, he was verbally and physically abusive. Since that time, I have moved out and on my own, for about a year and a half. But during that time that we were married, he only went down on me once.]
When he did, he only did it for a second, saying that I was "funny and nasty looking there and that he couldn't take the smell." Now, I am healthy and clean and normal, so there isn't anything medically going on that I could think of, just that natural thing that I assume all women have when they get excited.
Now obviously, I have met someone else who I am EXTREMELY close to. He and I have talked about everything, he knows my previous situation and how some things are very hard for me to deal with. But he really enjoys going down on me, and seems to really want to. I have let him do it only a handful of times, and no longer than for about two minutes until I start pulling him away because I feel so miserable. I never enjoy it when he does because I am wondering if he is thinking about what my ex said.
I asked him point blank if he minded anything about me and he said no, that I was beautiful and perfect to him and nothing about a natural female reaction could turn him off. He said that he does it and WANTS to do it because he geniuenely enjoys doing it because knowing that what he does gets him excited. He said that in all honesty, he enjoys it because he said that it's erotic and sexy. And like I said, I am clean and take all neccessary precautions, so it's nothing except when we have sex.
I just want to know why, after all that he told me and I believe him, am I still uncomfortable? I want to experience oral, GOOD oral, and believe me, the emotional feelings are there. I want to know, is that a natural reaction, the whole women's scent thing? And if there are any men here, what is your true opinion of a women's scent? I am really embarrased, although like I said, I did talk to him about this so he would know that it's not him. Are there any tips someone could offer me and does this have anything to do with my ex? I have pretty much dealt with everything else.
Mandee

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I just wanted to thank you all for your posts. They were all so helpful and honest.
I spent the afternoon today with my SO today. We came back to my place and basically just watched the news and enjoyed being with each other. As he was sleeping, I noticed my laptop laying beside my bed and thought about what everyone said about to just accept my SO for his word because he has no reason to lie about it.
I'm not saying that it waws easy or that it changed my mind completely and now I realize how great it is. But I relaxed and let go. And I let him do his thing. I realized that I have one of the greatest SO's ever. Throughout the whole time, he'd give me little indications that he was into it, and that I was ok, and that I still had the control to stop it if I wanted to. He talked to me, basically reassuring me that he was enjoying himself.
And although I didn't get anything accomplished THAT way, it made for such a wonderful sexual experience. I don't think that the act of doing it was what made it incredible, it was the fact that he had so much love and respect for me that he let me know he was ok. I realized that my SO and I got that much closer, and that if I open up to him that I will be able to relax and enjoy myself. I think that it will take some time, but at least the intial step was made.
Mandee
(Once again, thanks, Mr. E, for everything you said. It was amazing, so honest and everything. And thanks, everyone else, for the advice that you wrote. It all helped in some way, honestly.)
Thanks Julie, that means a lot to me!
Best,
E :)
Wow, thanks for sharing that, Mandee. That's great to hear, and I am SO happy for both of you! It's like watching a birth take place--just wonderful!
Keep up the good work and keep in touch if you need to!
Best,
E :)
Edited 2/10/2006 12:37 am ET by mr_e_steubing
Uno--
In the post I deleted, I was mistakenly asking you to explain what part of my previous post you thought was 'totally off the point,' and why.
In fact, what you were referring to as 'totally off the point,' was your own comment. Lol!
Just one of those little communication mishaps that we all see every day! Of course, it took Rain to get me to see this one. :-P
Best,
E :)
Edited 2/10/2006 1:03 pm ET by mr_e_steubing
Mandee, you're not alone in feeling insecure.
My ex had a lot of issues, but he liked performing oral and was always very nice and complimentary. Still, I was always worried if I smelled, if he really liked it, etc. And that carried over to my current relationship.
So what I do now is, I make sure I take a shower beforehand. It just makes me feel a million times better. And when I'm seeing him long after a shower, I make sure to freshen up with some baby wipes or a washcloth. Even without negative messages like you had, it's hard to feel secure sometimes.
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