Intimidated by bf...advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Intimidated by bf...advice please
23
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 12:28pm

Hi

Some things my bf has said lately have really got me worried, as well as something I found on his computer that makes me think he may be bi sexual. I was on his computer yesterday on google and I was typing in something on google that started with a "b" and the drop down menu came up with all the other searches he's done that have started with a "b" - on the list was "bi sex" and "bi curiousity". Also, he told me before that he has had 3 threesomes in the past and 2 of those were with another guy and a girl.
It doesn't bother me if he is bi, I was just curious....

But the things he has said, well he is very adventurous, at least he says he is. We've been together for almost 3 months and the most adventurous sex experience we had was sneaking down to the storage locker room in our condo building and having sex there. He is away this week and called me last night and wanted to have phone sex which I am totally not into, but I did it anyway for him. (Faking most of it, but he didn't know!). He was very graphic in telling me everything he wanted me to do, making me wonder how many times he's actually had phone sex with someone. And then he went on to tell me how he wants to fulfill all my fantasies and he wants me to be his naughty girl. He went on to tell me he wants to take me out on our balcony and have sex with me so people can see and how he wants to dress me up sexy and take me out to show me off and have me flirt with other guys and brush up against them to drive them crazy, etc. He wants me to talk dirty to him while we have sex, but once we are out of the sex mode, he is a normal guy. This side of him only comes out during sex. I'm just confused- does he really want all this stuff or is just part of "the talk" while he is in the mood? Is there anything I should be worried about?

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 1:21pm

I don't see anything for you to be worried about unless he pressures you into doing things that you don't want to do.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:23pm

Dear Jikaf,

Everything you described is pretty normal...in fact it's common. A lot guys want their women to dress sexy and have other guys notice them.

As far as the "bi-curious" thing...who knows. It doesn't sound like a big deal to me.

Peace.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 2:43pm
He's gay. Go with it (after an HIV test). If that B started the word "baseball" you'd assume he was a sports fan. Use common sense here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:21pm

Should you be worried? That's hard to say, because you don't know whether he's talking about "fantasies" that will never happen...they're just exciting to talk about....OR does he really intend to do some of the things he's talking about. Give his past history, I'd guess that maybe it's more than just fantasies.

The ball is in your park now, and if you don't get it straightened out, then shame on you. If you're not interested in doing these things, then you need to start talking, and let him know that you're NOT interested in some of this stuff, and you have no intention of ever doing it. There's nothing to be intimidated about. He's allowed to want these things, and you're allowed to NOT want these things. But if you say nothing, and then he tries to make this stuff a reality, you can't blame him, because your silence indicates that you're okay with it.

Start talking, because communication is the key to avoiding misunderstandings.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 3:53pm

Okay, I'm confused. You say this is your BF but your profile says that you are married. Are they one and the same or is this a BF you have on the side?

But just because a guy has a threesome with another guy and girl, doesn't mean that anything sexual occurs between the two guys though! Many times, guys just want to see their partner with another guy so it's more about voyeurism than actual homosexual desire.

And that would make sense based on the other things your guy has proposed....sex in public places, dressing you up to get attention from other guys while he watches, etc.

IF you are concerned about anything he's mentioned, particularly the balcony sex-which could land you both in jail, and the phone sex, then discuss it with him. But don't allow yourself to be pressured or guilted into doing anything that you find immoral, uncomfortable or against the law.

And just because our partner may have fantasies about certain acts or activities, there is no implied obligation to fulfill them.




Edited 4/18/2005 5:15 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 4:00pm

Oh, you know he's gay just because he might have looked up bi-sexual or bi-curious on the computer?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 4:30pm

Sorry to puncture the politically-correct atmosphere, but facts are stubborn things. HIV rates among homosexual men are higher than for any other populous (in this country), and if I suspected my partner of engaging in that activity I would demand an HIV test.

Not doing so would be dangerously naive.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 5:06pm

Hmmmm, seems to me the 1st step would be to find out IF he's bisexual before demanding a test. Curiousity and fantasies are NOT acts though.

And the OP didn't seem to be too disturbed by the possibility that her guy may be bisexual, which hopefully means that she is already protecting herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 6:03pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 6:20pm

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Yeah, it does matter. Of course it is wise for anyone to get tested, no matter what the orientation of their partner. But especially if dealing with bisexual or homosexual men.

http://washingtontimes.com/national/20041202-122552-2151r.htm

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