Is it me or is it him?
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Is it me or is it him?
| Tue, 10-16-2007 - 10:57am |
So i have been dating my b/f for over a year now. at the very beginning of our relationship we would have sex all the time. I mean ALL the time. But after we hit the 6 month mark it all changed. Now we hardly ever have sex. I'd say 3-4 times a month. It's so confusing and it's hurting my confidence. He says it's because he's gained a lot of weight, and he has. But so have I so I wonder if it is because he's lost interest in me. I am a victim of rape (it was my first time by my b/f at the time) so i am not the most confident person. And i can't cum from sex, only with a vibrator, and i think this might all have something to do with it, but i don't know how to fix it. he hardly ever approaches me and when i approach him it's a failed mission. It's a failed mission. What can i do. Even though i don't cum i enjoy sex and the part when we get turned on and i am up for doing new things and experimenting. What should i do. I don't even know how to bring it up anymore. Every other aspect of the relationship is fine and i am not planning on breaking up or having this ruin all the wonderful things that we have but i don't want the passion to die out after just one year!

Hi IV and welcome.
The situation that you describe is a mismatch of libido.
If he's lost interest in you, he'd probably not be with you......so stop beating yourself up.
Welcome to the board iv-leidy101.
It's not uncommon for a couple to fall into a slump once the newness of their relationship wears off. A lot of different things can affect that, and it sounds like you have tried to analyze what might have caused the change in interest. It's true that weight gain can affect libido, and it's more likely that personal weight gain has a larger affect than the changes in your partner. Just like exercise and a healthy diet give you more energy in other aspects of your life, being physically fit can be healthy for your libido.
You mention a lot of other things that might be involved too, and trying to analyze why the change has occurred seems to be what is affecting your confidence. Instead of concentrating on that, it might be more productive to concentrate on ways to improve your sex life. Being intimate begins way outside of the bedroom. If you do want to talk to him, talk about finding ways that both of you can work to improve the situation. When you do talk, make sure you talk in "I" language and not "you" language. In other words, don't let your words place blame on him. Saying "I'm concerned that we don't have sex" is going to be more productive than saying "You never seem to want to have sex".
Things like starting a weight loss mission, exercising, reassuring each other about all of the positive things you each bring to the relationship, setting aside time for the two of you to focus on each other, making a commitment to have sex on a schedule, etc. It's not always easy to pinpoint what brings about a change, but once you turn the situation around, you can focus on keeping it there, and even further improving it. Make realistic goals and promises that both of you can keep, and you should start to see things turning back around. If the two of you aren't able to do that alone, you might want to consider seeing a counselor, preferably one that specializes in sexual issues.
Feel free to stick around -- keep posting and reading the other threads here. You never know where you'll pick up a new idea, and you'll find that we have a supportive community here. We also love updates, so let us know how it's going.
my partner in the siggy exchange