I've been faking it...shd I tell?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
I've been faking it...shd I tell?
9
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 5:40am

Ok, I feel a little embarrassed posting this.

It has been 6 years since I've been having sex with my husband (tho we have sex VERY irregularly like once every few months). I faked it at the start because we were so inexperienced and he was so stressed in making me climax. It became a vicious cycle and I've been faking it ever since.

Recently I've stopped faking it, and he has been wondering what has changed so I told him probably it was lack of foreplay (which is true to some extent in that we used to have lustier and longer foreplays. But I didn't dare to tell him I had been faking it as he had put on a lot of weight since we got married, and is already having some insecurities and performance issues.

BTW, I dont have any issues with orgasms...in fact, if i masturbate I can come within a minute....I just cannot understand why i can't come when I'm masturbating with him inside!! He has been trying oral but I can't seem to come that way too with him. So I've been finishing on my own each time. I think this makes him fel even more inadequate.

Now I feel like I'm kinda stuck. I so want to break out of our unhealthy sex life, but I just don't really feel like it with him anymore. Shd I tell him that I've been faking it all these years and to start exploring all over again? Or will it make things worse? =(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 6:24am

I think you have yourself in a tough situation there. Personally, I think telling him that you have been faking all along would just be too hurtful to him. It could make him feel insecure about many aspects of your relationship and your honesty.

Since you haven't been faking it lately, and he notices this, why not use this change to enhance your sex life with him? Having satisfying sex with your partner, in a large part, comes from your mind -- as does your orgasm. Perhaps you were never comfortable enough with him to share with him what you needed to be sexually satisfied.

Perhaps this would be a good time to talk with him and discuss ways to step up your love making, experiment with new things and see if that improves both your desire for him and your ability to have an orgasm with him. You'll find tons of advice here, but some of the easier things you could try are:

- incorporating a vibrator into your partnered sex
- using Altoids during oral sex
- have sex in a risky or unusual place (outdoors, in the car, etc.)
- schedule a sexy date, go commando and let him know about it during the appetizer
- experiment with different positions and change them frequently during sex

Most importantly, don't fake orgasms! Try to get your satisfaction prior to penetration, but if it doesn't happen, enjoy the activities for the good things that you do feel. Take the pressure off of both of you by not focusing on the orgasm, that can really work against you. As they say, a watched pot never boils.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 11:37am

Oh no sweetie :-(


That is a long time to have been faking.

Paige-Editcopybrynn.png picture by marce_jewels

      

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 6:37pm

Tks Marce (and Misty too for the advice)

We HAVE been masturbating, simply because he cannot finish too sometimes (can't seem to sustain his erection for long nowadays). Both of us will go at it like for 5-10 mins then end up finishing off by outselves next to each other. For him I suspect there is some performance anxiety.

I tried to get him a vibrator ring which we both enjoyed but even with that he couldn't stay up very long. At first I thought it was just the horrible work demands but even when we were in beautiful Maldives and extended foreplay, we couldn't finish. Bascially he can't stay up and I can't get turned on enough for him (the latter probably adds to the former). I seriously doubt it is a medical condition tho as we never had thsi issue when we just got married 4 years ago....

I don't have a high libido but it does seem a little too early for us to reach this stage (I'm only 30!!). I recently got involved in a very short affair (just ended it tho) and I learnt a new (more sexually aggressive) part of me I never knew before. Tried to apply that back to my marriage but it just isn't working. He's a sweet husband and I believe I still love him. He definitely loves me with his heart. But I'm not sure how to get past this mental block....

=(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:08pm
I'm not a big fan of the vibrating penis rings. They don't do anything for me, and DW reports that the sensation is very minimal compared to just using one of her regular vibes in conjunction with having me (or a G-spot vibe) inside her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 8:34pm

You say that you seriously doubt it is a medical condition as you never had this issue when you got married 4 years ago.... Times change. Has he had a physical?

The other thing you say at the end is you had a brief affair. Does dh know about it? Could that possibly have something to do with it? Maybe he feels he's not adequate enough for you. Maybe wondering... Especially if you're sexually different that you were before.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 10:35pm
well first things first as for telling him about faking dont do it its bad thing it brings up trust issue between you 2 not good but theres a way to get arround faking and feeling like ya have to finish your self you both need to figure out what each other likes touching feeling messaging ect i mean main thing in having sex is enjoying the person your with ask him what he would like you to do what feels good you do the same take it slow dont even think about the climax if you both spend time wanting to please and teas the other you will do fine sounds like you both are killing the mood working to hard to get the other off and as for him not last as long you both should start working out to gether trust me improves labido and stamina not saying you need work out but i think hubs see it as nice gesture if you did tells him you care about his health and as for the affiar did he bring you to climax and was there forplay just somthing ya might want to look at hope post helps some good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 7:44am

Unfortunately it has nothing to do with the affair. My husband never suspected anything. I was also openly reading up about sexual techniques etc. and tried some of the new techniques on him which he really liked....just that the erection doesn't hold.

As for me, I'm also not keen to keep the intercourse too long as I can't stay aroused and it gets uncomfortable after a while.

He's in a midst of a job transition so perhaps if things don't improve after a while I may suggest we go for a physical check-up....afraid that may bruise his ego even further tho.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 7:48am

Actually, I haven't managed to climax during my affair either. But the sensations are definitely different and I believe if I combine with it manual stimulation I'll get there (was quite close once)....just never had enough time with him to experiment I suppose....

Just wondering - has anyone managed to overcome lack of sexual attraction or lust during intercourse, short of fantasizing about another person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:31am

I'm sure you might not like this answer, but sexual attraction based on pure lust is a fantasy that usually doesn't last a lifetime, even if it is there in the beginning. Most of your libido starts in your mind. The desire to be with your "mate", which is what your DH should be, is not just about physical attraction. It involves the care, respect and love you feel for that person as well. Building memorable times with him will increase your desire for him. Trying to compare him to other lovers can kill your desire for him.

While I do feel fantasies are normal and healthy, I wonder if you have any fantasies that involved your DH that you can refer too. Since you are having difficulty with being attracted to him, it may take some conditioning on your part to repair some of the damage in your relationship. What caused you to have an affair in the first place? That's where I would start. Try to figure that out and fix it, then move on from there.

If you want to step up your sex life with your DH, then try experimenting sexually with him. Bring toys, porn, fantasy role play, etc. into your relationship. Also, having an orgasm is really on your shoulders more than your lovers. If you can't get your head into the event, no matter who you are with, it's going to halt your ability to have an orgasm. Thinking about anything other than the pleasure you feel at the moment (ie., your appearance, his appearance, the dishes, work, the song on the radio, etc.) will also cause you problems. Here are some articles about orgasms that you might find helpful:

"Why are my orgasms more intense during masturbation?"
http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/experts/carnal/qas/0,,638353_634298,00.html

The Dire Truth about Conventional Orgasms
An excerpt from "Unleashing her G-Spot Orgasm"
http://health.ivillage.com/sexualhealth/sxarousal/0,,9w9z10xq,00.html

Why can’t I have an Orgasm?
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexorgasm/0,,drruth_qr4q,00.html

Help! I’ve never had an orgasm
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexorgasm/0,,drpatti_216,00.html

You also need to heal from your affair. Whether he knew about it or not, it is till going to play on you. Have you considered counseling? Even couples counseling may help with several of your issues, and bring the two of you back together in a healthy manner.



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