Just cant relax to enjoy it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Just cant relax to enjoy it...
6
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 10:44pm

This is truly embarrasing...

Often during, and before sex, i cant relax. My mind is alays going from one this to the next, like sexual ADD...
"Am I doing this right?"
"Do I look alright?"
"I hope he doesnt think im not enjoying this"
"Should I make more noise?"
"Did I shave today?"

Its just IMPOSSIBLE for me to relax... This causes me to not really get aroused enought (i.e. wet ..sorry :\). Then I worry because it will hurt a bit... and its just like I cant stop my brain form worrying aobut EVERYTHING during sex, to the point where i miss the sex, and Ill i remember was that it kind of hurt.

Im only 24, and we virutally have to rely on the KY to have smooth sex... I feel soo embarrased by it. Alsmost like I must be dysfuctional or something, but im sure its jsut that i cant let myeslf relax. Any Ideas on how to let myself go?? Withought getting drunk??

I love my BF so much and hes very understansing about my insecurity about this, but I really want to fix this before it becomes a problem...

any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:50pm
Why not try a vibrator or masturbate with your Significant other just caressing your body. I've always encouraged & enjoyed watching my wife do this. It puts us both at ease and takes the edge off. My wife and I have been married 30 years (only seems like 5 years-underwater).
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:52am

YOu control your mind as well as your body. Stop thinking these things. Think about what's happening, and how you're feeling.

"Am I doing this right?".....of course you are, or your b/f wouldn't be coming back for more.

"Do I look alright?" Guess what, at that point, he is NOT "looking" at you or judging what you look like.

"I hope he doesn't think I'm not enjoying this".....he won't think that if you start behaving like you ARE enjoying it.

"Should I make more noise?" Only if you are enjoying it so much that you WANT to make more noise. You're not there to put on a performance for him.....you're there for the same reason HE is....to enjoy what you are BOTH doing.

"Did I shave today"......well, if you didn't, there's nothing you can do about that!

Sexual activity isn't a "one person sport".....it's for BOTH people to enjoy it. If one person isn't enjoying it, that's a shame, and it DOES spoil it for the other person.

You are right about the lubrication.......and if you'd start "getting into it" more, you might not need it....but whether or not you need it has nothing to do with anything. If you need it you need it.....that's why they make it. It has nothing to do with being dysfunctional.

Your last sentence says it all. You are insecure, and you're allowing yourself to worry about anything and anything......rather than just allowing yourself to enjoy what you're doing. You need to work on loving and respecting yourself more....and allowing yourself to actually enjoy the sex.

When you're in the process, instead of thinking all these thoughts that have nothing to do with anything......just start thinking about how much pleasure you're having, and how much pleasure you're giving him. That's what you're there for.....pleasure, yours and his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 8:23am

Welcome to the board jerseystarfish.

You said "often" you can't relax. So, what is going on the times that you are able to relax?

Being so shy is a mood killer for both of you, and the only way to remedy that is to get comfortable enough to actually enjoy what's happening. Do you find that you have the same problems when the lights are off? Are you able to orgasm? Do you masturbate? Are you familiar enough with you own body to share with him what arouses you the most?

So, if you turn the lights off, you will not have to worry how you look or if you remembered to shave! Try playing some mood music -- it doesn't have to be romantic, it can be fun and upbeat, whatever both of you would enjoy. I find that the music can set the mood for the sex too, so you can either bring out the animal in you or the sensuous side of you. DON'T put on your favorite dance or sing-a-long tunes! You don't want the music to distract you, you're already having enough problems with that, lol.

I would suspect that masturbation and having orgasms are not something that happen for you regularly either. One of the best ways to feel comfortable with yourself, sexually, is through masturbation. There's no reason to be nervous, no one to perform for, and nothing to gain but pleasure. Once you start experiencing that, you WILL want to relax during sex with your partner, you WILL want to share those feelings with him, and you WILL enjoy what's happening in a whole different light.

Here are a couple of articles that you might find helpful:

Boost Your Body Image in the Bedroom
http://diet.ivillage.com/motivate/mimage/0,,Jessica%20Weiner_b77pvv7g,00.html

Know Thyself: The Female Form 101
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexsolo/0,,traceycox_b6vtmjv3,00.html

And, a great website to visit is, www.the-clitoris.com. You will learn a lot about your body there -- how it responds to stimulation and how to stimulate it. If both of you are new to sex, or he's not performing as you would like him to, then have him review the website too.

Keep visiting here too. You can review the post, ask questions or join in the conversations. You'll keep learning new things to try and see what's working for other people.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket




follow me to

my partner in the siggy exchange





iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 10:26pm

The times i CAN relax is usually after ive had a cocktail or two and that nervous edge is gone. PLEASE dont get me wrong.. Im NOT saying i need to be drunk to enjoy sex, I just have to not worry aoubtEVERYTHING, and that kind of helps me relax a bit...

We have sex all differnt ways.. Lights on, or off. In the shower. in the bed. on the sofa... so its not like im nerovuse about him acutally eeing me naked... I just lost some weight and hes constantly praising me on how great i look, but i still just feel nervous. I Cand reach orgasm, It takes a long time though... Usually, after one, sex just becomes uncomfortable tho, like almost painful, but not quite... I usally have t oask him to stop after one, OR,
I just let him finish and forgo an orgasm to let him. Its very rare for us to finish together, but it has happened once.

I really feel uncomfortable masturbating. Sometimes, Ill do it for him only because he enjoys it, but I feel silly or like im putting on a show while i am. When i try it alone, I rarely enjoy it, and Ive never made myself orgasm... not once, ever. Its like a huge effort for me to try, but i never can finish.

Even when I am masturbating , my mind still jsut goes.... about everything...

Is this right? Is this what im supposed to feel, how long should i do this for, should of go faster or slower?
its really werid.. its the same exaclt problem.. I just dont understand.

I dont think its a self esteem issue at all , b/c i feel the same way when im alone as i do when im naked for soemone else..

Maybe I just need a Xanax or some Ridalyn to calm my brain down lol...

I just feel ridiculous even discussing this.
I ENJOY sex, but i ENjOY knowing that i turn him on enough to make him orgasm... get it? I dont enjoy it for me.

Ive said enough. Im done... and thouroughly blushing now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 11:23pm
You may have already tried this but I have two suggestions:
1)you can start letting yourself go in small stages. By that I mean start with just kissing and touching. When you are doing that, just focus on how good everything feels. Pretend you are a kid again when making out and petting lasted for hours. Dont concern yourself about what lies ahead. If that works then you will feel more aroused and comfortable as intimacy progresses.
2)get a little selfish. Your concerns seem to center around your BF's opinion of you and how you are performing in bed. If you can, try to turn this around and focus on making sure that he is doing things that make you aroused. Instruct him on what you want. Like, if you know that certain acts of foreplay get you more aroused than others, do the ones that you know will get you aroused. And give yourself enough time to get aroused. Dont worry about going to intercourse quickly because if you get aroused doing what you are doing, your BF will be just as pleased.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 12:38am

Stop thinking about pleasing him.....because you ARE. Start remembering that sex is for TWO people, and they're both supposed to be enjoying it. You're so worried about his pleasure that you're foregoing your own! If he's a good lover, he WANTS you to enjoy what he's doing to you and for you.....if you're not......then you ARE disappointing him!

Next time, start out thinking about yourself, and what you're feeling. ALLOW yourself to enjoy it......that's what you're not doing. You're not allowing yourself to have the pleasure that you should......because you feel you're not worth it. Do some work on your self esteem.

And you don't need drugs to enjoy sex.....