is just flirting ok?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
is just flirting ok?
4
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 12:57am
Thanks for the advice "sexual attraction to another man". We've been together 12 years and he's been open to me about this fantasy for about 6 years now. I've never done anything. I was attracted to different men before that I didn't know personally and that we would talk about. The thing with me is that I can only be attracted to one other man at a time. I have only had 2 sexual relationships in my entire life including my husband. I never thought of doing anything with anyone else until he became open about it. We have a very good relationship and discuss everything very openly. We have a very good sex life. He used to wonder if I found him weird or if it was abnormal to have this kind of fantasy but he finds stuff to read on it and sees it on tv that assures him it's normal. He encourages me to flirt. When I first became attracted to this man I didn't tell my husband because it was his friend and I was worried he would feel jealous or hurt. I wanted to tell him so bad and when I did he was happy and felt that I could probably make better progress since I talked to the guy all the time. When I see him, I usually act just like a regular friend but these little comments or jokes start to come out, from him too. The more times we see eachother the more flirting goes on. It is not major flirting. It is very subtle. He once said he always found me to be so quiet and innocent but then he saw my wilder side (which is not very wild but fun) and that he liked it. I've never come out and told him "I want you" nor has he. Sometimes I wonder if just flirting all the time is enough to keep me satisfied. To be honest I don't know how to flirt. I'm not very good at it. What can I do to satisfy these urges I have? If anything were to happen I would prefer it just happened naturally and that I wouldn't be the one to initiate it. It may never happen but the flirting is fun. How can I make it good for me and just enough for him to catch on but not to seem desperate for his affection. Maybe he wouldn't want to do anything. It might be enough just knowing that he wants me and knowing that he knows I want him. How can I know for sure? Sometimes I feel like just saying it but I know there's a lot of risk there. My husband and a friend of mine insist that he does want me, by certain ways he hints around. We live in a small town and its never good to talk about other people. He and my husband are pretty open with eachother and ask eachother personal sex questions. Let me know what you think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 2:56am

As I recall from your other post, your husband was all 100% OK with all this, wasn't he?

I think that the biggest problem that you might have on your hands is that your guy friend may want more than just sex. He might see a relationship occuring. So in this situation I don't think that you can "just wait for it to happen". You have to be clear with him about what you want when it becomes obvious that the flirting is more than just words. Even so he may not be interested in being the "guy on the side". He may not want to get involved after he thinks about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2006
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 11:13pm

I think flirting is ok as long as you know that there is a very definite bounry that you should never cross. Flirting helps keep you feeling confident I think. Remember though, women can and often get emotionally attatched quickly sometimes, so be careful of that and just have fun with it.

Yummy
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:56am
Your husband says he is ok with you having sex with this young man.. Dont be so sure that he wont see you as damaged goods after you have sex with the other man. Fantacy and reality make strange bedfellows(no pun intended) Why do you feel the urge to have sex with this younger man?..For self esteem issues? Lust? Boredom with your husband?..What if the sex is so good you cant bare to have it with your husband anymore, or worse you fall in love with the other man... Probably 99 percent of affairs begin with innocent flirting...its a dangerous game of "courting" that gets played, and one that is hard to stop once it gets going, almost intoxicating. Once you go there, theres no turning back..What if your husband cant get the view in his minds eye of you having sex with another man out of his head. What if he grows to hate that every time you two have sex he thinks of the other guy filling you where only he has been in many years?... You are playing with fire. Just my 2 cents
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 2:04pm

Your husband SAYS that he would be okay with this scenario but how can he be so sure when it's just fantasy? And how can you be so sure that you would be okay with it afterwards?

It's risky business and there's no way of knowing how any of you might feel after the deed is done. Fantasy is not reality. It's from a very singular viewpoint and we simply cannot predict how we will feel or react until the act has occured.

IF you and your husband are willing to take that risk, then forewarned is forearmed. And IMO, flirting without intent is one thing, flirting WITH intent is quite another.