Just not getting enough

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Just not getting enough
13
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 8:31am
Just thought I'd throw this out there and see what kind of feedback I get.
I'm 28 years old and have been married to a wonderful lady for 5 years. We have two great kids, ages 3 and 1. We're a loving family and I'm in love with my wife. She's kind, funny, and a great mother to our children. For the most part we get along great. The only problem is, I can't seem to find a way to spice up our sex life. It's especially rough because I've taken a job overseas and I've been away from home for the past 3 months. I've written her sexy emails and sent her pictures and asked her to do the same. She refuses. This doesn't surprise me because when I was home, getting her to have sex was like pulling teeth. And I've tried everything from reading advice books to romantic dinners and weekend get a ways. About once a month, she'd want to have sex. Even then it was disappointing because she always preferred the same position. I give her oral until she comes, then missionary until I come. BJs? Haven't had one in over a year. Doggy or anal? Forget about it. This is so odd to me because our first year of marriage, the sex was adventurous and great. I don't want to cheat on her, but I feel like I really need some sexual release. Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 9:16am

You've tried doing different things, dinner, advise books, get aways, but have you tried sitting down with her outside of the bedroom


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 2:58pm
I agree with Tish's advice. Many of my friends have lost interest after they have children. From talking with girlfriends, it's not so much that they don't want it, but more that it just feels different, or they are too physically or mentally exhausted to put themselves in the mood. Unfortunalety, most of my girlfriends work, have a household to run, bills to pay and children to care for and husbands that come home to lounge on the recliner while their wives get everything done. Sex, for them, just seems to be one of those things that falls to the back burner wether it's intentional or not. It's very possible she may feel overwhelmed and doesn't know how to express what she is feeling (especially if she feels you are not around to help with the workload, which may be possible with you gone). I would definately sit down and let her know your concerns and maybe see what YOU can do to help her.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 5:48pm

Can you spell hormones? Your poor wife has two children under the age of 5, just had the last one a year ago and you're wondering why she isn't in the mood?

I realize that men don't get what being pregnant for 9 mos. does to a woman's body, but that's the answer to your question. She's tired and her hormones haven't recovered from her last pregnancy.

Talk with her, give her some more time...it can take up to 18 mos. for a woman's hormone levels to return to normal, and show more understanding. Take the kids for an afternoon, let her nap or take a long hot bath, and she may be more receptive in the evening. Give her some practical help, and she might give you the affection and sex you desire.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 6:24pm

A question for you....what did you do before you were married and in between sexual partners? You took care of yourself, right? Well, you have all the sexual release you could ask for, right at your fingertips.

I realize that masturbation isn't the same, but there is no reason to feel physically deprived while your wife takes care of your two babies.

Give her some more time and help her with your children as much as you are able when at home and she will feel as if you are a partner in parenting, not another person who wants something from her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 9:17pm

Having been in shoes similar to your wife's ....


Talk to her. Find out what you can do to make her feel sexy. The drive and desire has to come from within her, but it is highly affected by external sources. i'm a firm believer that usually problems in the bedroom are really related to problems outside teh bedroom.


The romantic dinners and weekend getaways are great ideas ... but if that doesn't help your wife, then it isn't the right thing. Ask *her* what is the right thing. It might be household related .. it might be kid related .. it might be as simple as her needing to feel respected and loved. I can't tell you what the issue is, but I doubt it is really sex.


I'd suggest counseling.

Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 11:35pm

Yep. There is no doubt about it, the kids and recent pregnancy will be playing it's part, but you're going to have to talk to her about it. Trouble is that she may not be able put her finger on it even if she wants to talk about what's wrong or not right.

No easy solutions, but talking will go a long way towards the two of you understanding exactly what's going on and why, and helping the two of you to get through it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 4:11am
I appreciate all your input, but I feel like I should've elaborated. I HAVE talked to her. On several occasions. She says she feels bad about it, but just doesn't have the physical desire. I found out the kids stressed her. I do work a lot of hours and am sometimes away from home alot. I know this puts pressure on her, so I hired a house keeper to come 3 hours a day 5 days a week, to help with cleaning, groceries, etc. I take care of ALL the bills. I take the kids to the park on weekends so she can have alone time. One night, I called 3 of her friends and a co-worker of mine for reccomendations to a day spa. I then sent her a gift certificate for her and two of her closest friends to go. I've racked my brain trying to make her feel special and try very hard not to make her feel pressured about having sex. I understand that her hormones may be out of wack with the recent pregnancy...i really do understand that. I understand that she may not physically feel like having sex I would settle for an occasional blow job or hand job. Masturbating 7 times a week isn't doing it for me. I just wish she would understand that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 5:51am

I haven't heard this mentioned yet, and it sounds like you have been working really hard to figure this out. I noticed you said you have a one year old. Is your wife breastfeeding? Nursing will surpress sexual desire. It must be natures way of making sure that we don't reproduce to soon. I'm not suggesting you ask her to quit if she is, but it could explain her lack of interest. When I nursed my children (for two years each) I had absolutely no interest in sex. Now that they are weaned it is a very different story. If this is the case I recommend patience and a good male sex toy. Don't ask her to wean if she is because any woman who is dedicated to nursing her children will get royally ticked at the suggestion, however if she knows a cause it might help her to get back into things.

Otherwise she might want to see her Dr. and discuss her low sex drive. There are things they can do to help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 7:04am

I agree with Kat up above. It still takes time for a woman's body to get back to normal, physically, emotionally, mentally, from childbirth and pregnancy. Most mothers of babies and toddlers ARE tired. It takes 9 months to grow another human being, then childbirth itself takes it's toll, then you have the interrupted sleep for weeks or months.

I applaud your efforts to help her out and that's a huge step int the right direction. But it's more than physical too. If she hasn't lost the pregnancy weight, she may just not feel good about herself. And when you have young kids, they need you so much, it's a huge emotional drain. All day long, everybody needs and wants something from you. It's give, give, give all day. Then DH comes home at night and wants and needs something else and you feel like you don't have anything left to give. There were nights that I was so exhausted physically and mentally, from caring for two children (and it's them, not the housework that's so tiring) than DH's lightest touch on me felt like it hurt my skin.

And if you're gone a lot, working long hours as you say, you walk in and want sex, that's one more thing she feels she HAS to do for someone else. Or he wants a blowjob or handjob. Still something YOU have to do for someone else. How about trying to connect with her as an adult? Spend more time with her. I know you can't always cut back on work, but if there's anyway possible to come home earlier, do it. Or take her out, without kids, for a grownup meal at a grownup restaurant. No unwrapping your food. Spend an evening together as husband and wife, not mom and dad. It's hard to switch gears suddenly from mommy to lover when you've been wiping noses and changing diapers and doing ABCs all day. And show her some physical affection withOUT the expectation of sex. Offer to rub her back and then just let her fall asleep if she wants. Nothing is worse than being ignored until someone wants to have sex and knowing the affection is only a leadup to sex.

And give it time. Things DO get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 7:43am

Maybe I'm being either unrealistic or ignorant. I'll try to be more patient, but it's hard (no pun...yes, pun intended) Great suggestion Tally.

I should also mention that I'm not the insensitive type that thinks just cause I "bring home the bacon" that my wife should be at my every sexual beck and call. I learned that lesson LONG ago!

Part of the problem is, my wife is sexy as hell. She lost her weight after about 4 months. (I thought she looked incredible pregnant too!) After 6 months, I arranged a weekend getaway for the two of us. My parents were very willing to spend the weekend with thier grandkids while we went to the beach. Had a great time, danced, laughed together, went scuba diving...the whole nine yards. But when night fell, no nookie. A few days later, I saw her masturbating in the shower, which leads me to believe she's not totally sexless. I've had sex with my wife 9 times in the past year and am frustrated about it. Am I being unreasonable?

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