kind of embarrassing
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| Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:38am |
do any other women out there have problems "talking dirty" during sex? my bf wants me to say raunchy things like the women in porn videos do, and i feel silly and embarrassed saying them. the problem is, he loves porn and porn stars because they are so 'uninhibited' (i can't be like them or do the things they do) but my bf wants me to be more like that. it kind of upsets me that he wants that, because first of all, though i do love sex, i do not look or act like those women and i can't do the things they do, nor do i really want to. but on top of that he wants me to say dirty things and not only do i never know what kind of things to say, but i try to say the things he wants me to say and i end up feeling stupid, silly and embarrassed. i feel like he wants me to act slutty and i'm just not comfortable acting that way. how do i get over this? does anyone else feel the same way?
also, he wants me to initiate sex more like he does. when he wants sex with me he usually grabs me or poses me how he wants me to look for him...or he grabs my breasts and butt and expects me to be all aroused...and during sex it usually plays out like a porn video. he never kisses me, barely touches me (unless he's slapping my butt or pulling my hair) and he is never tender in any way, it's all hardcore F***ing like he sees in his beloved porn videos. i have told him i need more romance in my sex life but he doesn't get it and sometimes i find myself not wanting sex because of it...and now he says he won't initiate sex with me anymore until i start doing it too. he says he isn't going to touch me until i start doing the same things to him as he does to me...but i just don't feel comfortable doing this and i have told him so. now i feel like i have to come crawling to him and ask him for sex because that's what he wants me to do. how do i just get over my discomfort and be more "uninhibited" like he wants me to be for him? does anyone else have this problem? any suggestions?

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A guys' viewpoint...There's nothing wrong with exploring different sexual arenas whether it's role playing, rough sex, "dirty talking" porn sex or whatever floats a person's boat. But when one is not used to doing it, then sometimes it takes a while to be comfortable with it.
Bottom line, whatever sexual play a couple engages in, it should be something that both are willing and able to do.
There's no need for you to be embarrassed because you aren't comfortable having sex the way he wants. He should be embarrassed because he's not giving you the romance and encouragement you need to expand your horizons.
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Has it occured to you that the problem is HIM?
He wants a porn star sexcapade, NOT a girlfriend that he can "make love to". You're not that person. He wants you to be what you are NOT......no, he more or less demands it, but at the same time, he has no inclination to be what you want HIM to be. Doesn't that make you wonder?
There's nothing wrong with Porn, per se.....however, when someone can't differentiate between porn and real life, then HE has a problem. Anyone with any sense realizes that they're ACTING, and that what they're doing, and even what they look like is COMPUTER enhanced. It's acting, it's pretend, it's FANTASY! It is not reality.
You have a couple of choices. Stay where you are, don't change, and be miserable......OR....change into what he wants you to be, and be miserable because you hate yourself......OR......realize that you two aren't sexually compatible, and he is a confused and selfish man.......and get out.
thank you so much for your reply. i understand that there is nothing wrong with exploring sexually...if one is comfortable with what's being asked of them i see no problem. my problem is that i have a tough time acting like a porn star because i'm just not that kind of girl. but that's what my bf wants, so i need to know how to just get over my inhibitions and do it. so i guess my question is more adressed to the women out there...
does anyone else have this problem? is there a way i can just get over my discomfort and do it? has anyone else ever been in this situation and learned to enjoy it and does it get easier the more you do it? it seems that if i force myself to act the way my bf wants me to, my libido wanes and i find myself not wanting sex at all. i do love sex and i'm not a prude, that isn't the problem, it's just that i was brought up to be more classy and i feel kind of like a whore doing these things. sometimes it also feels rather impersonal always doing these things, like i'm a hooker or something. is that silly for me to feel that way? how can i get over it and is there any way i can just learn to relax and get into it? i have the feeling i am overreacting and that it should be easy, but for some reason i just feel gross doing these things. is this normal and is it just me?
Bottom line is NO, don't do what you're not comfortable with. From the sounds of your 2 posts, it sounds like all he wants a porn-look-alike, sound-alike recepticle to make his deposit into. Don't let him treat you like that. Someone like this is only going to cause you grief.
My Dh asked me to talk dirty too and that's simply not me. Trying only caused unnecesary anxiety and actually hindered my arousal. Since he's so heavily into porn he may not, but see if he's willing to accept a compromise. You know, sexy and suggestive without being dirty and vulgar.
If you were with someone that truly loved you and cared about what YOU felt then you would probably be a lot more comfortable acting out a little during sex. That is something that it was hard for me to do to at first. And it never happened with someone that I didn't have a deep emotional connection with and could trust completely. With someone like that I am as open and erotic as any porn star if he wants me to be that way.
I think your biggest question to answer for yourself is "is your boyfriend concerned at all about YOUR pleasure and comfort (someone that loves you will be) AND do you trust this man completely both emotionally and physically?" It sounds to me like you really don't and until you do, don't feel pressured to perform as he demands. BTW .. any guy that DEMANDED or threatened me in any way to do something I told him I wasn't comfortable with would quickly be shown the door! That isn't love OR caring.
Good luck hun. Let us know how things go.
Does he do any dirty talking that you could copy? If he wants to hear it, he can very well speak up. How about he writes up a list of things to say & then you hang it over his head, you know, tape it to the headboard. I'd bet that porn stars keep cue-cards. ;-)
And as for slutty being "bad," that's just semantics. Just words. Just someone ELSE's words. You're grown now, it's time for you to see your own meanings in words.
Use the word Frisky, Playful, Open, whatever, just something else, until you can change your hang up over the word slut.
And besides, the way the slutty is "bad," is going out & hoping on anyone that looks your way. Being "slutty" within a commmited, singular relationship, is different!!
thank you everyone so much for your replies. i know my bf does care about me but sometimes it does seem like he is being a bit selfish, always wanting his needs fulfilled but never giving me what i need. i have talked to him so many times about it, telling him i need more romance. and i have told him that it's not that easy for me to act that way and i have told him it's something i need work on...but he tells me that it should be easy. i don't agree and i told him this, and he basically told me that i am wrong and that it's a no-brainer.
it's not the word slut that i have a hang up on, its actually acting the way porn stars do. i am just not that kind of girl and frankly, i am not ok with having some of those things done to me. does that make me a prude? i guess i am old fashioned - i want kisses, touches, caresses and i want to be talked to like i am a loved human being. i don't know or understand why i feel so embarrassed saying the things porn stars do...maybe it's because i don't want to be anything like them.
oh and yeah he does do dirty talking to me and i try to copy him but it's not enough for him, he wants me to come up with something else. some of the things he says to me i don't really like either and i find it hard to say it back. i feel silly doing any of this. i wish i were just more open to it and that way i could be more creative!
also, because my bf watches so much porn it kind of makes me feel bad about myself, like he is always masturbating to other women and it makes me not want to have sex...because i feel inadequate. he doesn't really even watch porn so much as look at other women and masturbate to them. i have talked about this to him and other people so many times and people tell me it's not me and everything but i am really getting to the point where i don't even want to be touched because of it. are there any other women who feel this way?
"also, because my bf watches so much porn it kind of makes me feel bad about myself, like he is always masturbating to other women and it makes me not want to have sex...because i feel inadequate. he doesn't really even watch porn so much as look at other women and masturbate to them. i have talked about this to him and other people so many times and people tell me it's not me and everything but i am really getting to the point where i don't even want to be touched because of it. are there any other women who feel this way?"
I know exactly how that makes you feel. The best thing for that is owning your own home ( without any financial support from anyone else ) and don't allow the filth in YOUR home. Fake, scripted women and I don't relate so I don't welcome them into my space. My partner had choices to make and now he's living quite successfully and happily without porn.
There's nothing wrong with being old fashioned. There's nothing wrong with having standards. Maybe this guy isn't your Mr Right.
Try the Porn message board - for people who don't like it (as well as those who do)
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhtporn
As for "Romance" ... I hope you are specific about it. Just saying romance to a guy is like asking the dog to wash your car. They don't know what you mean.
>>> not that easy for me to act that way and i have told him it's something i need work on...but he tells me that it should be easy. <<<
Tell him it should be "easy" for him to kiss your neck & stroke your thigh, & not pull your hair.
Good luck. After a point, talking won't do you any more good. Like the other person said, he might not be right for you. You know what you want, what you need. You just need someone willing to try those sweet things for you.
A "partner" should be a compliment to your life, not make you feel bad about yourself.
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