kind of embarrassing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2007
kind of embarrassing
19
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 11:38am

do any other women out there have problems "talking dirty" during sex? my bf wants me to say raunchy things like the women in porn videos do, and i feel silly and embarrassed saying them. the problem is, he loves porn and porn stars because they are so 'uninhibited' (i can't be like them or do the things they do) but my bf wants me to be more like that. it kind of upsets me that he wants that, because first of all, though i do love sex, i do not look or act like those women and i can't do the things they do, nor do i really want to. but on top of that he wants me to say dirty things and not only do i never know what kind of things to say, but i try to say the things he wants me to say and i end up feeling stupid, silly and embarrassed. i feel like he wants me to act slutty and i'm just not comfortable acting that way. how do i get over this? does anyone else feel the same way?

also, he wants me to initiate sex more like he does. when he wants sex with me he usually grabs me or poses me how he wants me to look for him...or he grabs my breasts and butt and expects me to be all aroused...and during sex it usually plays out like a porn video. he never kisses me, barely touches me (unless he's slapping my butt or pulling my hair) and he is never tender in any way, it's all hardcore F***ing like he sees in his beloved porn videos. i have told him i need more romance in my sex life but he doesn't get it and sometimes i find myself not wanting sex because of it...and now he says he won't initiate sex with me anymore until i start doing it too. he says he isn't going to touch me until i start doing the same things to him as he does to me...but i just don't feel comfortable doing this and i have told him so. now i feel like i have to come crawling to him and ask him for sex because that's what he wants me to do. how do i just get over my discomfort and be more "uninhibited" like he wants me to be for him? does anyone else have this problem? any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 6:41pm

thank you.

yes, i am specific about the whole romance thing. i have told him that i need to be kissed once in awhile and that i want to slow it down a bit sometimes. i have told him i like to be touched softly and looked at as well. all this we have talked about plus i have asked him during sex if he could slow down a bit, or touch me softly instead of pulling my hair or squeezing my breasts. i am as specific as i can be. it's like he has as much trouble with intimacy as i do with acting like a porn star or something. but i know that's not the problem...he has done these things before and he is capable of intimacy...he just wants hardcore sex all the time. it kind of sucks too because sometimes when he does things a bit too rough for me i will tell him it hurts or is uncomfortable and he makes fun of me like i'm being a baby or something. that kind of makes me mad because it's supposed to be a pleasant experience for both of us. it kind of makes me want to grab his hair and pull it really hard or grab his nipple and pinch it to see what he does! nah, it probably wouldn't hurt him like it does me - he would like it >:p

i understand that guys need that hardcore sex, that's the reason i want to try and lighten up about it. i guess i should take back all that romance stuff - if i just did what he wanted once in awhile maybe he would be more willing to give me what i need. if not THEN i can say it's a problem. if i want him to do that for me i guess i should be willing to try and be more 'pornstarish' for him right? then i can say i did this for you now you can give me what i need! what i really want is both of us giving each other what we need, you know, the way it should be. i will definately try to give him what he wants though.

i think i need lessons or something...lol...no, it's not really hard to figure out how to act like a porn star...my problem is when i try it i just feel so silly, like i'm actually one of those bad actresses or something. i just feel so ridiculous doing it! i wish i could just get over that and get into it. i think it's the dirty talking that's the hardest part...i am SO not creative when it comes to saying raunchy things because to me it all sounds way too contrived and so ludicrous! honestly, does anyone else feel this way? and if anyone has but has gotten over the whole feeling ridiculous thing...what helped?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 7:29pm
I agree with Sakura. Your BF sounds selfish if he wants you to do what he wants (act like a porn star) all the time, but isn't willing to give you what you want (romance, making love instead of having porn sex).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 7:38pm

OK, seriously, if any man hurts you during sex and makes fun of you for complaining about it, that's abusive, IMO.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 7:57pm

"Contrary to your belief, not all men want porn star behaviour in the bedroom, and a real man will respect your boundaries and won't hurt you during sexual activity unless it is something that you enjoy."

On behalf of all real men everywhere...thank you thank you thank you. :-)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:15pm
*Contrary to your belief, not all men want porn star behaviour in the bedroom, and a real man will respect your boundaries and won't hurt you during sexual activity unless it is something that you enjoy.*

Hallelujah, sister!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:20pm

Phew!

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 8:27am

Welcome to the board foreverthismisery. I haven't read all of the replies to your questions here, but will go ahead and throw in my 2 cents worth.

I believe that you continue to develop sexually throughout your relationship, and I consider this a good thing. If you don't, then it would become boring, kwim? While you might have been raised to be classy, a lady, or whatever you want to call it, what you take into the bedroom with your partner is between the two of you only. I know that my DH and I have romantic sex sometimes, but we often have raw, hot sex. We both love it! It keeps our sex life alive and interesting.

I don't think your BF should force you into anything. I suspect that he wants you to initiate sex because he feels that he is pressuring you, perhaps that you don't enjoy it, etc. In any sexual relationship, both partners should want to make the other happy, and if the two of you don't agree on everything you would like to do, you should try to come to a compromise. Perhaps you're not comfortable receiving a facial, but you would be comfortable with him coming on your breasts (as an example).

It's not necessarily that he wants a porn star for a GF, but it may be that he doesn't want to have to put all of the work and creativity into your sex life -- and still not know for sure how much you are enjoying it. Having sex is also a lot of work for the guy if the female is so inhibited. Doing little things along the way to fuel their fantasy, to let them know how much you are enjoying yourself, or how much you like sex, can go a long way to making their experience more pleasurable.

While you are saying that he is being selfish, that you never get what you want (more romance), what exactly are you doing to ensure that you do get what you want? He has let you know that he wants you to initiate sex more. You could plan a perfectly romantic sexual encounter with him. You would both be getting your desires met that way. You would be initiating, and the encounter would be romantic. Teaching him what you like, while also satisfying his needs, will go a long way to making a better relationship for both of you. It's not about being a porn star -- it's about actually enjoying what you are doing! While porn may be staged, the couples may be acting, etc., the thing that excites a lot of people is that they appear to be enjoying what they are doing.

Try reading back through several of the messages on the board here. There are a lot of discussions where women are looking for ways to get through to their SOs, and also where men are looking for advice to satisfy their SOs. I don't think either you or your BF are thinking so far off from what many couples experience.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 8:45am

Having read through all of the posts now, I want to differentiate that there is a difference between rough sex and abuse. If he's hurting you and you are telling him that you are not comfortable with that -- he needs to respect your boundaries.

Perhaps he is watching too much porn. Have you considered asking him to give it up for a period of time to see if that makes a difference in your relationship? While I'm not against porn, I know that it can be abused or overused. As another member mentioned, there is a porn board here:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhtporn



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:28pm

Thank you all for your replies...you have all made very good points.

I like what someone said about not all men wanting porn style behaviour in the bedroom - I am fully aware of this and I will be the first to say it....I have never been one to say "all men are alike". I have dated men who were not into that at all. My problem is that my bf IS. But I hope I never made any generalizing remarks about all men being into that - if I did I'm sorry.

I have talked to him about the porn thing several times, because I have noticed that the more he watches it, the more he seems to expect porn star behaviour of me and the less actual intimacy I recieve. I am not opposed to hard, quick sex sometimes, I just don't want that and nothing else. BTW I have posted on the porn message board as well, so I guess this isn't really a topic for this board, although it does kind of tie into the topic at hand.

Also, I don't really know what else to do to get him to understand what I want other than telling him, asking him during sex to do certain things to me, telling him I like it when he does those things and being as romantic as I can with him. I have tried all this stuff and it still always seems to go his way - rough, hard and fast. I have even done things like dressing in lingerie and lighting candles...so I don't really know how I could make it more clear that I need romance and intimacy. I was hoping it would get better with time and me talking to him about it. I am seriously considering that some of you are right and perhaps in this department he is not the one for me. I think we may just need some work however, and I am considering counseling before I make any drastic decisions...but the fact remains that I am a sensitive person that values consideration and respect very highly and I need someone in my life that has the same values.

Yes, I agree with everyone who said that his rough treatment with me is abuse in a way, especially since he makes fun of me when I object to it. Nobody wants to hear "awww poor baby" when they are experiencing pain during an act that is supposed to be pleasant. It does make me rather angry. I have not really talked to him about this yet because it doesn't happen often and I was hoping it wouldn't, but if it does again I will be pretty choked and will certainly be telling him that I don't appreciate it. I'm expecting a cold reception but that's his problem...I draw the line at pain, that's beyond just being uncomfortable with something, it just should not be happening.

Thank you again everyone for your input. I will be working on this problem and if anything changes I will definately post again.

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