The L-O-V-E word

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
The L-O-V-E word
15
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:18pm
I was currently reading a post by one person about love and how she has been dating this guy for 1.5 months. She asked if it could be possible to be in love with him. Another poster replied that "it takes a good 4-6 months of dating to begin to know the person well enough to love them." I TOTALLY DISAGREE.

When I looked up the definition of LOVE it said "1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

NO WHERE in that definition does it state that there is a time limit to how long it takes to realize that you LOVE someone. For those of us in here who believe in God and Jesus...you love Jesus don't you?! You don't know him personally and you have never met him but you love him! Same goes for God, you never met him and you don't know him personally, but you love him.

I believe that you can love someone after 1.5 months. NO ONE can tell another individual that they do not love someone else...because you do not know.

Lets say a woman has a miscarriage- I'm sure that she loved that baby but she never got to meet it! WHY IS IT THAT YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE ENDS AND OUTS OF SOMEONE TO BE "IN LOVE" WITH THEM?

That makes absolutely no sense to me! Love is love. So if your SO dies and you have been dating for 2 months, are you telling me that you're not going to go to the funeral and cry to yourself saying that you love him or her? Give me a break.

Love is love and there is NO SET TIME telling when you LOVE someone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:44pm

I'm not sure what post you are talking about.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:49pm

A subject such as this must be looked at in completely individual ways.

CL-Yasmin1967

May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 10:55am
of course there is no set time for falling in love...and i very much believe that the seeds for love will be there very quickly for many who will eventually fall in love...i also believe after 6 weeks of dating it might be more likely infatuation with the budding of love....i was engaged to my husband within 6 weeks of meeting, we had a fairly good marriage for a couple of decades until his sudden death...but in hindsight i realize it was more infatuation we felt that fast.

for *me* i would be very hesitant if a man vowed "love" to me that quickly...maybe its just that as i age and mature i find i feel thrilled for me and a man to take our time and give lots of thought to love before making such a vow...i know far too many couples who talk of love after dating a short time, only to soon after hear they are broken up and one or the other is hurt to feel they were led on or deceived...its *my* opinion we should be very careful about expressing love...as i said, sure, in most of our hearts we will know rather quickly that love is in the air...we can feel a kinship and a connection to a new person....but its my opinion we should not rush...why rush such a wonderful thing as falling in love.

but if anyone wants to say they're in love after a month of dating, go for it!

honey

    

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:26am
Well, speaking for myself...my relationship with God and Jesus began at a very young age, so this has been a LONG TERM relationship for me and what was an "infatuation," in the beginning, grew into love over time.

And I think the terms used to describe feelings of affection and attraction are called a "crush" and "puppy love" for a reason. Meaning that the feeling can go away just as quickly as it appeared and that they may not be based on more than just physical attraction or lust.

Love isn't a noun, though, it's a verb which implies ACTIONS, not feelings. What happens when the initial spark of lust is gone? Have you lost interest? A mature love never leaves, it simply evolves and grows. And I think in the case of a younger person, with no concept yet of that kind of love, it's easy to say they "love" someone when they are merely physically attracted for the moment.

However, I do agree that you cannot tell another person what they feel in their heart.


Edited 4/15/2004 4:08 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:21pm
I think it depends on the individual. Some take longer to realize it and others instantly know. I know that it took me a while with my fiancee. I dated him some, then dated another guy and then both of them and later realized I deserved this one. Once I figured it out, it took me very little time to fall for him. But that was one reason I ran from him in the first place...because I KNEW he was the one and I was scared.

Love is a strange thing. Once you feel it, it causes joy and pain all at once. I think so many of us are afraid to have romantic love in our lives and that might be why some take longer to feel it or to recognize it.

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 2:22pm
when I started dating my b/f, I didn't love him, because I didn't know him. Slowly over the months, without me realizing it, I fell in love with him. I didn't want to admit it to myself. I had just come from a bad relationship/divorce and didn't want to fall in love with anyone. There is just something about him that caused me to fall and fall hard. I didn't want to admit it. My best friend laughed at me cause I couldn't even say it.


It's been months since I finally admitted it to myself, but I've still yet to tell him. It's all so deep and heartfelt and I love him so, so much, but for some reason, I get shy when I start to tell him.

I don't think there is a time limit on love. Or on telling someone. But what I do know is that there is a difference between TRUE love and everything else. Before you say it, be sure that it is true.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 3:44pm
Exactly! How can you love someone before you know them? You can't. You can be attracted, infatuated and intrigued, but that's not love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:12pm

I think that the "love is love" statement is actually quite flawed.

CL-Yasmin1967

May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:32am
I believe in love at first sight(well-almost). I lived it. I had sexual attraction with other men, and it was different when I met my husband. I knew something was different from the beginning and it took me about a month of dilligent dating to figure out that I loved this man, and falling deeper by the hour. Being of sound mind, we waited it out for years before we were married, and made sure of our feelings to make a lifetime commitment.

I don't see what the big hoopla is about love. If you feel such a strong connection with someone, you do. Of course, give it time to make sure because your first impressions may not be correct. However, they may very well be, and time will validate those feelings and make them deeper.

There is evidence that it's biological. We actually get physically high while falling in love. The real truth is how we feel when the dust clears(according to science, it may take a few years until the drug is leveled off.)

So, for me, love can be felt to some degree almost immediately -- some unforseen connection that one has not had with any other person before; although logically it's not the true deep love that evolves with sharing of time.

If anyone's interested in reading about the chemicals involved(they even mention chocolate);-)

http://health.discovery.com/convergence/scienceoflove/scienceoflove.html



Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 12:52pm
But "love at first sight" is still just physical attraction. And it's an attraction to YOUR concept of who that person is, not who he REALLY is, because you don't know that yet. I've been VERY physically attracted to many men in my life, only to find that I wasn't attracted to their mind and personality.

My DH claims that he fell in love with me on sight but the truth was that he fell in lust. Now, after all these years, I'm confident that he's in love.

Research has shown that we automatically select potential mates based on physical features, unconsciously, within the first 20 seconds of entering a room. Those triggers are built-in based on our own personal history.

And the chemicals you mentioned are the reason why many therapists, etc. caution against immediate attractions because oxytocin, etc. are released in the brain, with sexual contact, which can lead to feelings of attachment to the wrong person. I personally think that's why so many women (in particular, although men will often want more,too), try to justify and romanticize these FWB arrangements.


Edited 4/16/2004 12:55 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

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