lac of respect for sex...!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
lac of respect for sex...!
21
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 9:20pm
Why do people find it so easy to have sex??

Sex should be between two people who LOVE each other shouldn't it?????

I can't comprehend the idea of having 10, 20, 30 sexual partners..I'm really not trrying to criticise but I really don't understand how people put the emotional component to sex on the back burner..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 1:37pm
As tish says, I was never on a mission to have a lot of sex with a lot of different people. Don't forget that I'm 35 and been sexually active for over 20 years.

I'm sure that you can be with only one person, love them, and develop a great sexual relationship. The people I was with were never people that I cared little for or ever carried little significance in my life. To the contrary, each and everyone of those people have contributed in some way to make me who I am today. I don't consider that insignificant. None of those relationships or partners were insignificant at the time.

I don't know which comes first - my sexual attitude as it is now after having been with these people, or have I been with these people because of my attitudes towards sex? Maybe it's a bit of both?

I don't feel that I ever set out to have a lot of sex. My values are obviously different from yours. I don't feel that anything has been diminished by having several partners. I feel that my subsequent sex life and relationships have been enhanced by exploring all the options in the relationships. Don't forget that sex (excepting the one night stands) was not the primary motivation for these relationships. I haven't got too many hangups and can understand different points of view, am more tolerant, and understand that different people need and have different responses and desires in the bedroom. I'm sure that I could learn that with just one partner - but I think that I've probably gotten a better and clearer big picture by having multiple partners.

You seem to have a hard time understanding what I am saying and understanding how I could respect sex and the people that I have been with. Perhaps if you had experienced what I have you would know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:21pm
Agreeing yet again with Westie.

I can relate to all he says, but will also add a bit of my own experiences.

Unlike Westie, I have had a few meaningless encounters. FWB, and one night stands. And those miserable encounters have helped me form a whole new respect for sex in a meaningful relationship. When you know what bad sex is (ie; sex without emotion) you can gauge a much better idea of how great it can be with the right person. Because of my experiences, should I ever find myself single again - I would never repeat those experiences.

Also, I spent a bit of time confusing sex with affection. He wants to have sex with me, therefore he must care for me. Nope. Wrong. This is why I can so confidently post to others in that situation now - I've been there and learned from my mistakes.

Importantly, when I was 13, I had an adult friend of the family (on whom I had a crush)take advantage of me. The end result being that I learned at a young age that if I give sexual favours I will get attention. Behaviours learned at such a young age are very hard to unlearn.

As for the others....you are wrong about age not mattering. I've had time to love more than one man in my 37 years. And, as Westie said, each of those men have made me the woman I am today. I would love to have had only one or two lovers from the age of 15, but it took me years to find Mr Right.

Yes, you can hone your sexual skills with one person that you truly love. But hopefully that one person has an open mind. My first lover (who I spent 2 years with as a teenager) had dreadful hangups and being my first, I didn't think to question his attitude. Thou shall not make noise. Thou shall not experiment with different positions. Thou shall not want him to give oral.

However, different people have different 'tricks' and can teach you stuff that you've never even thought of. I credit my now DH for teaching me to have a clitoral orgasm.....I'd tried and tried, alone and with previous partners to no avail, but he simply used a technique that no one had thought of before and whammo.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:34pm
I see what you both mean.

Maybe it's because of my experience where I was almost raped...I'm grateful for my sexuality and my relationship, enough so that in my eyes sex isn't a greeting card and it means the most when you love someone and when you do it without love...it's just that...sex.

Never heard people explain their reasons for things like that before, so thanks guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 6:05pm
Ahhh...actually, emotions were at the center (or close to it) of sex in the times you described. A woman had to make sure a man was 'emotionally' attached to her, to take care of her at the times she wasn't able to go out food gathering and hunting - during pregnancy, childbirth and nursing offspring. A woman with a nursing infant couldn't take off all day to go track...whatever they tracked...with a baby, so she better make d*mn sure she had someone who would. And men needed those ties, to make sure that the offspring she produced were *his*, even if they didn't recognize this emotion and it was just a very base feeling. It was the beginning of a family unit and the emotional ties thereof. Humans found they needed to have those ties to survive and reproduce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 9:35pm
I'm speaking of Primal times..stoneage.."Ooga Booga" times where the communication between humanoids was throwing a rock at someone's head when they were enecmies. Uncivilized means of living....cave homes...chasing buffalos off cliffs for food --kind of times...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 7:28am
Sex is a form or communication. So is language. With language, you can say "hi" to a total stranger, or small talk, or have a deeply personal talk with a friend, or write the most beautiful poem ever written. With sex, you can have a one night stand, or a FWB, or sex with someone you really like but aren't in love with, or have the most glorious sex of your life with someone you love passionately. In my opinion, "hi" to a stranger or chit-chat in no way diminishes the value of the beautiful poem. Sex and language both communicate, in different ways for different situations.

BTW, if a person masturbates, is that the equivalent of walking down the street talking to yourself?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 7:46am
I'm speaking of Primal times..stoneage.."Ooga Booga" times where the communication between humanoids was throwing a rock at someone's head when they were enecmies. Uncivilized means of living....cave homes...chasing buffalos off cliffs for food --kind of times...

Shoegal, Those guys still exist, Ive seen them in smokey bars with loud music playing looking for a woman to drag home by the hair..lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:06am
Isn't that insanity?

I agree with your analogy, BTW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 2:47pm
I had the same thought - many humans really haven't progressed that far.

>>humanoids was throwing a rock at someone's head when they were enecmies<< Isn't that known as a 'drive-by shooting?" these days?

To Shoegal and back too the ooga booga times: there would have been teamwork between the men and women. The man was the hunter/gatherer and the woman raised the children. The woman would have needed emotional links to her "husband" to ensure that she was fed/protected.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 3:17pm

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