Lacking Lust

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Lacking Lust
4
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 8:07pm
Hi. Okay, here's my problem. I love my boyfriend very much. He was my first and we've been having sex for about two years now. Our sex life is...nice. I've never orgasmed, though. Not only that, but I want passionate sex. The no-holds kind where he just puts me on the dresser and we go at it kind. But, he's always so reserved. He's gotten better, but not where I want him to be. I've tried making him wait until he breaks, teasing him, jumping him the way I want him to do to me...I've even gotten so desperate that I spelled it out for him. He's still holding back, though, and I can tell! Does anyone have any suggestions to this or the orgasm problem. It's driving me nuts! Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 9:15pm

Some people are naturally reserved in bed. It's just the way they are, and it's *wrong* to try and change them. Turn the situation around and imagine how you'd feel if he was trying to make you more reserved.....I bet you'd feel quite offended (I've had that happen to me, and still resent the man who tried to temper my spirit)

You say that you want passionate on-the-table sex. While it probably does exist for some long term couples, I'd lay money that it's probably not a common thing. Honestly, I've found that the "I can't get you fast enough" type of sex to be quite rare after the initial lust fades. I wonder if you've been reading too much Jacki Collins et al? LOL (I've made that mistake...thinking that overwhelming could last forever)

Hon, you've tried all you can to let him know that you'd like him to be more adventurous it's not working. He obviously isn't about to change. So the only changes left are for you. You must either accept him how he is or move on. But do be realistic in your expectations. Find out what other couples in long term relationships do. Don't spend your life chasing an impossible dream.

Your lack of orgasms? You've not given us enough info. Can you masturabte to orgasm? Can he bring you to orgasm using manual/oral techniques?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 9:53pm

I agree with aisha.

Everyone has their own 'style' in bed and his is very reserved. If you've spelt it out and he hasn't done anything about it then he's not going to. While you can't change a person's style you can usually get them to break out of the mould and pretend once or twice if it's not too much against their natural manner. So some guys would probably do it every so often for you but this guy has clearly demonstrated that he's not one of them.

If you want 'passionate' sex like that, then you are going to have to find another guy - and I think that long-term passionate sex like that is a rare thing to find. As aisha says, have a think about what you want. You might be chasing a dream in some ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:38am

I agree with the others....you can't make him into something he's not. This is his nature.....and you can't change it. Maybe in time.......with maturity, he'll get a little more daring, but I wouldn't count on it.

As for the orgasms, or lack of them.......having sex on the dresser won't give them to you either. Nothing HE does can "give" you orgasms. That's something you have to learn for yourself, and allow to happen. He can help you, but it's up to you, not him.

Check out www.the-clitoris.com for more information on how your body works, and how to learn to have orgasms.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 1:01am

You said he's gotten better. Well then, there's light at the end of the tunnel. When I first met my husband, I thought he was a straight shooter too, and for the most part he was. He was not so much conservative, but not what I was used to. Much quieter, concentrated more. Very structured. tee hee I let him be who he was and I was who I was. Eventually through our love and devotion, was borne a new evolved "style". From there we kept on growing and are still evolving. Who knows...maybe as we age, our bodies will force us to slow down. Growing is about change. It happened so gradually that if someone had asked me twenty years ago if I married him for the sex, I would have had to have said no.

I don't know. I don't see sex the way others do. I see it as sharing yourself(whatever that is) physically with the one you love. It's to get as close as two people could possibly get through initimacy. The ability of his presence alone to arouse me the fact that he wants me were always the most important elements to me. Turned out for us, I was right.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )