ladies: first time sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
ladies: first time sex
10
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 12:18am
would you have sex the first time with your best friend who has no feelings of love (the kind which will lead to a relationship) for you even though you have strong feelings for him? ladies, does it matter to you if you lose your virginity to a person who doesn't have any feelings for you? do you still look for those feelings and a special person when you are going to lose your virginity?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 2:04am

You would be making a big mistake. If he says he has no feelings for you....then believe him. Giving him your virginity isn't going to make him have feelings for you. You already have feelings for him, but it's not reciprocal. Once sex enters the picture, you'll develop MORE feelings for him, and in the end, you'll be hurt.

There's no hurry to have sex.......and if you wait for someone who feels the same way you do, it'll be 100 times better. That's not a guarantee that it will be a lifetime relationship, but at least your feelings will be returned. I've never heard a woman regretting that she waited to long to lose it......but many women regret they did it too young, with the wrong person, and they wish they'd waited.

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Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:48am

No I wouldn't.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 10:17am

I wouldn't choose to have sex the 1st time with a man who didn't value me or what I was giving up. And I didn't. Sounds like a recipe for heartbreak and regret to me.

But it depends on your general feelings about sex and virginity, too. If you just see your virginity as an obstacle to overcome, then I'm sure those considerations for your first partner probably won't be there.

But if you have strong feelings for this guy now, then sex will only make them stronger. Do you REALLY want that to happen for someone who can't return those feelings? And no, you can't make a guy love you with sex.

Remember, you're only a virgin once, you can't give it again. And you will always remember your first time.




Edited 2/6/2006 10:34 am ET by katmandoo2001
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Registered: 01-30-2006
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 8:15pm

As someone previously stated, it really depends on what the significance of virginity is to you. But first of all - I would strongly discourage doing anything so intimate (especially for your first time) with someone who does not feel the same way about you that you do about them. Your feelings will probably grow after you have sex and his might stay the same and then you might get hurt. It wouldn't be wise at all. That doesn't mean you necessarily have to have sex for the first time with someone you have very strong feelings for. I suppose it depends on how you view sex. I know some people who were best friends, very close in that regard - nothing more - and lost it to each other and it was great. They cared for each other (but in the same way, the feelings were reciprocated) and it was a good experience. Some people would not like that though and would want to be "in love" or in some sort of relationship.

My first time was perfect I think. We both had equal feelings for each other, even though I definitely didn't love him. I still liked him very much and over time our feelings for each other only grew. Even though I didn't love him, I still cared for him and he cared for me. He saw it as something very, very special and it was nice that he took such care. If I really liked him and he didn't seem very interested in me, I'm sure the experience would not have been so wonderful.

I would advise you to wait until you find someone who feels the same way about you that you do about them. Even if it isn't love, as long as you are in the same boat the experience can be very wonderful. Maybe down the road, casual sex won't be a big deal for you but especially for your first time, you don't know how it is going to make you feel and so I would say to look out for yourself and make sure you're not putting yourself in a situation where you can get hurt. Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 8:47pm

This last post is 100% true. You can add to it that once he has sex he will probably then feel distant while you start feeling closer. That's how it works for most men, but not all. If he's considering having buddy sex then count on it happening. You may likely end up losing the friendship, as well as not having a great memory of your first time.

It is only my view, and yes I am a man, that sex is something sacred to be shared between two people who have love. Even in a budding relationship it is best to wait until the emotions are right for both of you. For me, sex intensifies the attraction. It puts rose colored lenses on me. I don't want that to happen unless I have spent enough time objectively looking at the other person and the relationship first. The relationship should make the sex, not the other way around.

Wait until you are in love with someone and you will never regret it.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 2:15am
Well, from one "older woman" to another, I hear ya. Don't understand it myself.
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Registered: 02-04-2006
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 7:16am

I am 21 and still a virgin, but I am ready to be sexual with a man. I want the person to whom I give my virginity to be someone special. I was raised to think that I should give it to my husband on my wedding night, but I don't actually believe that any longer. I think that when I give it to a man it should be an act of love, though, not just lust.

Alison

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 5:11pm

I hear what you're saying...I wouldn't support 6th graders of any gender just having recreational sex when they possibly can't even begin to grasp the significance of this very intimate activity etc. The problem I did have with what you said is this:

But saying this I am seeing such looseness in the handling of the young woman's body and her giving it out to any man around. When I was young it was so precious.

As a feminist this mantra of years past bothers me. Why if a woman wants to have sex with some guy it becomes "her giving it out to any man around" - what about the man? Why does the woman have to wait and hold out and be so precious - what about the guy? Since when did it beocme handling of the young woman's body like it is some piece of property? I entertain the notion that I completely misunderstood you and I do not mean to be rude, please know that. Also, I told the OP that she should wait until she finds someone who has recipricol feelings for her. For a first time I do think that is certainly important to ensure that it is an enjoyable and comfortable experience. But overall, what if a woman enjoys sex and wants to have sex with many men - do you think that is wrong? Or are you just saying the amount of young girls who give blow jobs and have meaningless sex is astounding to you? And if so then I suppose we should say the same about the young boys - we wouldn't want to perpetuate the already disgusting double standards that hinder women every day in present society. And also as far as oral sex goes - I have never just gone down on some random guy and don't intend to - I do understand the idea of "giving head to get head" - if a woman gives to receive or a man gives to receieve (this obviously occurring in a strictly sexual relationship) - if this happens I don't see anything wrong with that. It is sexual equality - but young woman just performing oral sex on boys for nothing in return is something I would not support at all. Although I suppose the argument could be made "what if she enjoys it?" - and thus the convoluted nature of this topic becomes present yet again!

I agree that the young generation does have some things mixed up but I just think that women enjoy sex as much as men and do not wish to see a society when women are pressured into being virgins and are told they have to wait and not enjoy sex and when she does she is "giving it away" as if she is making some great sacrifice instead of enjoying herself.

Much of what I responded to wasn't necessarily things that you said - just things your post made me think about. Although not all of these views might be yours I know plenty of people who have them. Please let me know your real opinion - again, I hope I did not offend you. Really really that was not my intention at all! Thanks!




Edited 2/7/2006 5:14 pm ET by drstrangelove2006
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-07-2006 - 6:13pm

Well, I agreed with caroline because it's not the enjoyment of sex that puzzles me personally but the randomness with which these acts seem to be occuring with many young people. Not just young women but young men as well.

There doesn't seem to be any meaning attached to the acts at all. It's often just a means to an end...either peer acceptance, attention from a specific boy, etc. So, likely many aren't getting physical pleasure out of an act at all but simply doing it for other reasons.

And sex can have risks and consequences. It's not always a harmless physical exercise to receive sexual pleasure. Unfortunately, it seems that those consequences too often fall on the shoulders of the young woman to deal with, not the young man. And let's not forget that society still views a sexual woman much differently than a sexual man. It's not a fair playing field by any stretch.

I certainly don't think anyone should tell another adult when and how they should be sexual but teaching a young woman to respect herself, her body and her sexuality enough to wait for the right time, circumstances & person for HER to express herself with, is always good advice considering the potential for those negative consequences.

Certainly, no one has ever died from waiting to have sex, unfortunately, many have died because they didn't wait until they were more mature, more prepared, more discerning, etc. And that's JMHO.




Edited 2/7/2006 6:25 pm ET by katmandoo2001