Ladies, help ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Ladies, help ??
13
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 5:02pm


My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. Our sexlife was great when we were younger. We used to have sex almost everyday and some days more than once. Since then a slow downward shift in the last 2 years, we have gone to maybe on the weekends. It's lights out after 9:30 no chance for love-making. It drives me crazy because I am still in the emotional mindset that we should have sex everyday. I try to talk to her about it and it doesn't help. She says she thinks this new birth control she is taking might be affecting her, "YASMIN" it is one of the newest. I guess my question is has anyone had the same effect with YASMIN or is it a relationship problem. And if so what are your thoughts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
In reply to: wobbles66
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 6:39pm
I have never used Yasmin, but I am on a generic of Ortho-Cyclen and it hasn't affected my libido at all. It is possible that it could be the BC pills, as everyone reacts to them differently. However, I can't help but think that it's mainly because of how long you two have been together.

The infatuation stage of a relationship -- the part where you're giddy and excited all the time, feeling madly in love and horny as heck whenever you're together -- typically lasts about three years. It could be just that you're getting into the attachment stage in your relationship. It doesn't mean you're any less in love, but that crazy urge to pounce on you may be subsiding for her. This is a completely normal thing, NOT a relationship problem.

Just my two cents. Hopefully someone else can provide some advice for getting out of this rut. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: wobbles66
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 7:24pm

It could be the birth control, some BC meds do affect the libido, but libidos do change also.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: wobbles66
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 2:08am
I have a question for almost every line you've written.....

My fiancee and I have been together for 4 years.~~~Fiancee? That means marriage. When? She's been waiting 4 years!

Our sexlife was great when we were younger.~~~Younger? How OLD could you have gotten in 4 years? Age has nothing to do with libido. You can have a high sex drive when you're in your 60's and 70's!

We used to have sex almost everyday and some days more than once. Since then a slow downward shift in the last 2 years, we have gone to maybe on the weekends.~~~So, this has been going on for 2 years!

It's lights out after 9:30 no chance for love-making. It drives me crazy because I am still in the emotional mindset that we should have sex everyday.~~~That's not an "emotional mindset", that's a libido, and it sounds pretty normal to me. Lights out at 9:30 doesn't sound "normal" to me, unless she's got to get up at 4 or 5AM to go to work, OR unless she's trying to avoid sex with you.

I try to talk to her about it and it doesn't help.~~~When did you talk to her about it? When it started to go downhill? How did you talk to her about it? Did you ask her accusingly what was wrong with her, or did you tell her how it makes YOU feel?

She says she thinks this new birth control she is taking might be affecting her, "YASMIN" it is one of the newest. I guess my question is has anyone had the same effect with YASMIN or is it a relationship problem.~~~Well, if your trouble started over two years ago, and this is a "new" birth control pill, then she can hardly blame that for her lack of interest two years ago. I'd guess it's a relationship problem.

And if so what are your thoughts.~~~What is going on outside the bedroom? Often lack of interest in sex is only a symptom of other problems. Lets go back to the first question. "Fiancee" implies...."getting married". Is she waiting for you to decide about that? Are there other problems? Do you help her around the house, or do you expect her to wait on you, clean up after you, etc.? Are there financial problems? Family problems?

Last but not least, there are physical problems. Has she discussed her lack of libido with her doctor? Is she on some other kind of medication besides birth control? Is she depressed, or on antidepressants? Has she had hormone level tests? A complete physical in addition to her gyno physicals?

You two need to start communicating! I don't mean you telling her you want sex more, I mean you BOTH discussing why this is happening. Not complaining about the situation, but truly discussing it. You have to tell her how it makes you feel. Unloved, unwanted, etc. Maybe you need to brush up on your lovemaking skills. Some women just don't want to bother if they're not getting the pleasure they want, or it's leaving them unfulfilled. TALK to her, tell her what you'd like to see happen, and ask her what she'd like and what would make her happy. At the very least, if you two have a good relationship otherwise, you two should be able to reach a compromise, where BOTH of you would be satisfied.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
In reply to: wobbles66
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 11:18am
I agree with greenteabag -- sounds like your relationship is screwed. Most likely, she's giving it to somebody else and that's why she's avoiding you. The tip-off is that you've said you tried to talk to her about it and "it goes downhill." If it were nothing personal, that conversation wouldn't go downhill.

And the fact that you've dragged her around for 4 years is preposterous. She wears your ring because it gives her "legitimacy" in a screwed up materialistic world, but she's giving it up to somebody else. You can count on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: wobbles66
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 11:28am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: wobbles66
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:13pm
Accusing someone of infidelity when you have no idea of the *whole* story is ridiculous and cruel. Just because a sex life decreases does NOT mean someone is 'screwing around'.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: wobbles66
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:30pm
Where did I even IMPLY that she was cheating on him? That's probably the LAST thing that could be going on. And, he's been "dragging her around" for four years? Maybe she feels that she's been dragging HIM around for 4 years!

Jack, it sounds like you've had some bad experience(s) in your past, you're assuming a lot here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
In reply to: wobbles66
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 2:09pm

Wooaaa!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: wobbles66
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 9:21pm


Well, I appreciate everyones input. Truth is I guess she answered the question for me today. She is moving out, she isn't staying here tonight. THIS SUCKS. Four years of a relationship gone to crap. We are both first loves and we are both twenty years old. Anyone have any tips on how to get through a break-up after that long? To answer a few of everyones questions we haven't really been getting along that well. I seem to drive her nuts, and I am probably a big part of the break. We moved in together right out of our parents houses. There are too many details to write down, but I guess from here I have to pick up the pieces and try to figure some way to keep my life going. Has anyone been in a position like this???????????????????? I have never lived alone, not that I am complaining, but it's so quiet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: wobbles66
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:19am

I haven't been in your position but I'm sure there are some folks here who have and can give you some tips.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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