Ladies, Why one night stands?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Ladies, Why one night stands?
17
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 9:09am
What is in it for women when they have a one night stand? Do you do it for the fun and the thrill of new sex? Are you trying to bury emotions of a past bad break up? Does it ever leave you feeling empowered, or does it sometimes leave you a little blue? In college , do you remember the "walk of shame?"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 10:32am
It depends on which woman you ask, and when you ask her. I've probably done it for the reasons you mentioned, as well as other reasons. Sometimes we do it because we CAN! And sometimes it left me feeling empowered, but more often than not....with no feeling at all.

Men have been doing it for years.....and it was "ok" for them. When I was growing up, men were supposed to "sow their wild oats" before looking for a virgin to marry. I often wondered who they "sowed those oats" with. Every neighborhood and school had their well known "bad girl", and I guessed that's who it was with. I realize now that it was with "nice" girls, too, and those were the ones who got pregnant, and had "shotgun weddings" and very premature 9 pound babies.

I feel sorry for the young girls of today, who do it because of peer pressure, or because they think that if they do it, the guy will fall madly in love with them, and it won't BE a one night stand. That rarely happens.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 10:57am
greenteabag, I think we grew up in the same era. So if you felt nothing afterwards, was it almost like masturbating, only using someone elses assistance?..lol. Im a guy and didnt have a lot of one night stands...I put more stock into what sex actually ment.I was a college athlete,and had many many opportunities. I was no angel but I was no whore either. I just dont get,(never did) the mentallity that goes along with people who feel they can go to bed with whom ever they want, when ever they want. I think it is deeper than that. I think it is a search for self esteem, or trying to heal emotionally from a disasterous relationship break up, etc. Thats what Im looking for. Not just "I sleep around because I`m single and I love sex...I dont buy it.

Back in the day for men, it was a self esteem thing, another notch , so to speak.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 11:01am

I never had a one night stand, never had just "casual" sex, but I guess it would be for all the reasons you mentioned.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 11:20am
I never formally had any one night stands, but I've definitely had my share of flings (stretched out one night stands).

The reasons I have done it are: 1) to reward myself (i.e. had a particularly difficult set of exams and the pressure was off and i just wanted to go out and have a good time), 2) I'm lonely and the physical contact is nice, 3) cheap thrills, 4) I'm horny. I'm sure there are other reasons but i can't think of them right now. Empowered isn't exactly the right word, but sometimes there's a definite high the morning after and just a general elated and alive feeling. Sometimes I've felt blue particularly if the sex wasn't that satisfying and deep down I knew sex wasn't exactly what I needed/wanted at the time. I've gotten better at judging my motivation beforehand, so I don't do it if my main motivation is emotional (or if I do, it's with a single male friend I've known for a while).

Oh there's one other reason, which is kind of a weird one and may be particular to me, sometimes sex is tied to nurturance for me and if a guy cries or is feeling really sad about something I might give him a bj to make him feel better (it's weird, but maybe it's some cross-wired instinct).

And I've never heard of "the walk of shame." You might be dating yourself there ;)

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 11:56am
Never had one myself but I would imagine many women indulge in them for the same reasons men do....they're horny, the guy's attractive and they say "why not?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:04pm
If we're from the same era, then you understand the concept of "nice" girls" and guys wanting to marry "virgins". I had "one night stands" after being married for 20 years to a "controller" and a "cheater". He too wanted (and got) a virgin. Unfortunately, he knew little or nothing about a woman's body, and had no intention of learning. Sometimes when I knew he was cheating, I'd actually laugh, wondering what those other women saw in him, it sure wasn't the exciting sex! When I got divorced when I was 39, I'd been with ONE man, had never had an orgasm, and really didn't understand what all the whoopla was about sex. I had a "clue" that he was lacking in knowledge about women, and was a very selfish lover, but I really didn't know what "others" were talking about.

That was the mid-seventies, and not only was there a sexual revolution going on, but women's lib was in full swing. At that point, things had changed, and it was just as acceptable for women to have casual sex as is it was for men. So, there I was, a "free woman", entitled to have sex whenever I wanted it, with whomever I wanted to. And I took advantage of that. Why? I'm sure there was some "validation of myself" going on, but it was mostly curiosity. What had I been missing? Unfortunately, the men my age hadn't yet heard about giving women pleasure, they were mostly exactly like my ex...it was all about them....as we used to say..."wham bam, thank you ma'am". And, of course, with my background, I didn't know how to ASK for anything more than I was getting. I went thru a couple of years of that craziness, then I just got sick of it. Fortunately, that was long before incurable STD's came along. We didn't have to worry about anything more serious than things that antibiotics could cure in a week. I was lucky, I never got any of those things, either. (I did SEVERAL times when I was married, from my husband! It got very embarassing to go to the doctor for the cure!)

So, why did I do it? Mostly curiosity, to see what I had been missing, and some self-validation......that I needed at that time. (Even though, intellectually, I KNEW that allowing a guy to "pick me up" didn't mean I was anything special, just that I was "available & willing" and if I wasn't, the next woman would be!) When I stopped that nonsense, I met a man who was actually a good lover, and I finally found out what I'd been missing all those years. All I can say is better late than never!

PS: It had NOTHING to do with "sexual urges", or with "masturbation with assistance". Maybe because of the times, maybe just something in me, I don't masturbate, never did. I've tried it, I can bring myself to orgasm, but it really leaves me unfulfilled. I enjoy sex with a partner that I have feelings for, and if I'm not with him, masturbation seems to me to be a poor substitute, and it leaves me feeling MORE lonely for my partner. It's probably just some subconscious thought left over from the 50's, but I don't really feel the need or desire to do it. My sexual urges come out when I'm with my partner, and then I don't NEED to masturbate, lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:47pm
I don't remember having a one night stand ever, but some casual sex with a few guys over a period of time, yes. I don't know, I always really liked the guy to tell you the truth - even though I knew they seemed mostly just into the sex, I was always hoping it would lead to something more serious. So for me, it just left me kinda hopeful and longing. I'm so glad not to be single any more. I'm not a very good person for casual sex - I can't have sex (when I was single) just on a whim or just for fun - there was always a romantic attachment there for me.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:54pm
GTB..wow thanks for your honesty..While you were having your one night stands, was any of the sex really good?. As good as your man you have now that you confess is a good lover? I find it interesting that you describe your new found sexual liberation and your participation in one night stands as a couple of years of craziness, then you just got sick of it. I wish more women and men for that matter would listen to the voice of experience. It would save a lot of heart ache, and health issues also. I know some people play around a lot and never regret one minute of it, but there are many who do regret it.(especially if their "one" isnt very accepting of that type of behavior.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 6:55pm
My wife and I have been separated for almost 10 months. I have not had sex in that time, not even a kiss. Truth be told, until recently I wasn't very interested in sex. I don't want the divorce and was emotionally devastated. Now I'm getting back on my feet emotionally. A one night stand would be welcome right now. I want a woman to want me sexually. It would be an affirmation of my masculinity. Normally I'm a relationship type of guy, but I just want to be accepted as a man right now. I feel a need for

skin-to-skin contact, what a poster a long time ago called "skin hunger".

I think one reason guys in general go for one night stands is because women aren't as likely to search out sex for its own sake. Therefore, if a woman goes to bed with you right away, you must be really desirable to overcome the female reluctance to do that...or so we like to think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 8:31pm
Hmmm. Your post is very thought provoking. It makes sense to me though. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.

Leticia

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