Let's talk about NO sex...
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Let's talk about NO sex...
| Fri, 11-26-2004 - 12:53pm |
Ok, here's my situation. My BF and I have been dating for a while, and in October, we had a very unplanned pregnancy (I was on the pill) that ended in miscarriage at the beginning of this month. My BF and I just got the clearance to have sex a week ago, and we had sex for the first time since the 1st of November. We used a condom, which we had previously not been using because we are in a committed, monogamous relationship, and I know that he did not get any enjoyment from the experience. He already has a hard time getting off on a regular basis, and this just made it impossible. Also, we were only able to have sex for a few minutes before it started hurting me A LOT--about 100xs worse than my first time ever. So, I am now on the birth control patch, but we want to use a back up method also, and we were talking about methods, and I know he will not be able to thoroughly enjoy sex with a condom. After talking about it last night, I know he probably will not be able to enjoy sex for a long time anyway due to 1)fear of pregnancy and 2)guilt over premarital sex that he still can't get over from his religious upbringing. Also, as he pointed out, he went six years before we were together without having sex (he's 32)--he puts a lot of importance on sex, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't mean everything to him. So, we came to the decision that we will abstain from having sex for the time being. Has anyone ever done this before? If so, what was the outcome? When you did this, what did you do/have done that made you/your SO still feel wanted physically in the relationship? I am currently not feeling that great about myself because I gained about 10 lbs after we started dating and another 5 while I was pregnant. I feel very cared for by my BF and am secure in every other part of our relationship. Unlike many of my past BF, I don't worry that he will cheat on me in any way. He took me to the family reunion/Thanksgiving dinner with 100 of his family members and introduced me as his girlfriend and I'm going to the family Christmas gift exchange--he has never done this with any woman before (I got this from family members).


I haven't abstained from sex in a situation like yours so I can't give you a direct answer. I think what you are doing is absolutely fine for the time being as long as both of you are happy with it. I just wonder what happens when you decide that you have abstained for long enough? Have you decided that you are not having sex until you are married or is this just an indefinite thing? Do you think that you will have the same feelings later? Will he still feel guilty later? And when IS later?
You b/f might have some issues with condoms and Yes, there is a loss of sensitivity using condoms, but most men would choose to have sex with a condom rather than no sex. So his attitude is slightly unusual. I wonder if his decision is more a result of the other problems, the pain and the fear of pregnancy and the religous upbringing, than any real issue about lack of sensitivity with a condom?
Something to consider: Not having sex may not resolve any of these problems that you are having. It may just be putting them off until an, as yet, undetermined later date.
I have to agree with Westridge.
And just wanted to add a couple of my own thoughts. You didn't say how old you are, how long you've been together or what your long term plans are. So, I will write this with the assumption that you are of a similar age and looking to a permanent relationship.
My main question that echoes Westie is "when IS later?" Is "later" when you get married? If so, I believe that he should make his intentions regarding marriage clear. Not only - does he want to marry you, but when he wants to do it. The reason I say this is so that you don't find yourself having no sex - and with no view to having a 'normal' relationship. You need a light at the end of the tunnel. If he's asking you to abstain with him, but cannot pledge love or marriage - I'd be very wary.
I guess I do need to clarify a few things. First off, we have only been dating for around 5 months. We both want marriage, children, etc, and we can both see having that with one another, however it is not something we are ready for immediately. I just moved to his city a couple months ago for a new job, and I am still getting settled and getting everything in order. Likely, it will be 6 months to a year before an actual "engagement" and another year or so before marriage. I have made it understood to him that I am fine with abstaining until either A)marriage or B)engagement and we move in together (which is the most likely situation) ONLY under the condition that we are both in agreement that this relationship is moving towards marriage--I have always enjoyed sex, and I need to know that there is good reason for me to abstain.
And, on his side, he didn't complain about the use of condoms; I asked him honestly if he enjoyed it, and he responded honestly that he did not get much from it. I agree with west that it probably wasn't the condom, but more the other feelings of guilt and worry. The idea of abstaining has been brought up before, by me, because I know of his religious beliefs and how he was raised. I know that he still has a strong foundation of morals, and we have both even discussed getting back into the church (we are of the same faith).
There's certainly nothing wrong with abstaining, as long as you both agree to it. Like the others, I'd be wondering how long this abstinence is supposed to last.
Also, I'm wondering why you had such horrible pain. Many years ago I had two miscarriages, as well as three children, and there was NO pain when sex was resumed. After the three children, I'd had episiotomies, and the site where I was stitched was a little tender, but nothing I couldn't stand. Have you been back for your check up yet? You need to tell your doctor about the pain, that doesn't sound right.
Also, one other thought. I would wonder about his libido. Very few guys can just give up sex willingly for a long period of time, yet you say he abstained for 6 years before he met you. Is it possible that his religious bent is more of a "hang up" than guilt? I'm thinking about posts I've seen here.....where the couple waited for marriage to have sex, and then when they were married, it turned out that the guy really didn't care about sex at all. (It wasn't for religious reasons, but the women were thinking that once they were married, they'd go at it like rabbits, but the guys weren't interested at ALL!) Is it possible when you WERE having sex that it was only to please you, and NOT because he wanted to? Now, he's got the perfect excuse/reason to stop completely! It would be a shame to give it up.....thinking it'll resume sometime in the future, when there is a possibility that he's not interested in resuming it at all. Even though sex isn't all there is in a good relationship, if you want it and he doesn't, you know it'll cause problems. Better to find out sooner than later!
Good luck with all of it.....
It sounds fine to me. I think that what you are doing is fine if you both agree.
What do you consider abstinance to be? Is oral sex and everything but intercourse abstinance? Or are you going for the complete absence of sexual contact?
I still think that you should work towards resolving the issues that he has with the religous background. I'd hate to see it becoming a hang-up that can't be resolved by a marriage ceremony or engagement. I wonder about the pain too - you should probably get that checked out and try to solve that problem too.
Other than that, if it's cool with you then all is good.
Abstaining from sex if it is okay with the both of you is fine, but I have to wonder if that will help with his feelings of guilt in the long run.