Looking for Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Looking for Advice
16
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:06am

I am not sure if I am posting this in the right place or not. But I need advice. Today or Yesterday (7/28) was my birthday and for the 3 year in a row my wife was not interested in making love with me. Actually since our wedding in 2004 I can count between my hands and feet (no extra needed) the total amount of times we have made love or had sex and I am so lost. I have looked everywhere, we have discussed it and she even acknowledges a low sex drive, but I am really depressed cause it is just after midnight my time and look what I am doing crying at my computer and looking for advice.

I am even having second thoughts, but I do not know who to talk to anymore or anything so now I figure maybe someone out in cyberspace has advice.

I love dearly and am happy with being with her, but I deel so incomplete.

Any help will be grateful.

thanks,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:12am

well, happy belated birthday.. i am so sorry that this occasion has turned into a not so great one. im not sure that i can be of much help other then to offer my sympathies.

have you talked to her about why she has such a low sex drive? was it always like this between you? have u tried to initiate it, and on these occasions she has turned it down?

again i am very sorry to hear that your at such a bad place right now, especially it being your birthday. i wish i could do more to help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:53am

I guess it wasn't a very happy birthday, and I'm sorry for you. If she's been like this since you've been with her....has she tried to do anything about it? Like see a doctor? Sometimes low sex drive is due to an hormone imbalance.....has she ever had that checked? More likely it's an emotional/mental thing.....like something she was taught when she was growing up......like sex is dirty, or nasty, or women shouldn't enjoy it, or maybe some religious teachings.

Have you tried counselling? Try to get her to a marriage counsellor, because if you don't fix this, there won't BE a marriage. Sex is certainly not the most important thing in a marriage.....but the LACK of it can ruin a marriage. Tell her if she wants to save the marriage, she has to go with you to get some help. Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 2:50am

I'm sorry that your birthday sucked. But as far as sex on your birthday goes, it wasn't ever going to be a "special" day was it? You knew that you weren't going to get laid even before it didn't happen.

You say that the two of you have talked about it but talking about it is just the start. Talking is useless if you don't RESOLVE anything. It doesn't sound like either of you RESOLVED anything with all that talking. Perhaps you felt a bit better realising that it wasn't you that was at fault for her lack of interest, or that it wasn't the relationship that was the problem. Other than that it resolved nothing. You're still horney and getting none, she's still not horney and happy giving you none.

You need to do a few things. Get her to a Doctor and check her health. If she's on birth control try a different type in case it's those that have reduced her libido. Then talk some more and try to come to a compromise.

If it's really been three years and you really have only had sex less than 20 times then your wife MUST understand that there is a problem. I can't see how she couldn't see the lack of sex creating an issue in the marriage. So if you tell her that it's a problem, she's not going to be surprised. Hopefully she will try to compromise. Perhaps she will be prepared to have sex more often even if she isn't in the mood at first. Hopefully, with a bit of foreplay, she will become aroused during the sex and enjoy it even though she wasn't in the mood initially. I think that actually scheduling sex for once a week and marking it on the calendar is a good idea. Yes, it seems artificial and forced but I don't think that the other option is doing either of you any good either.

And if none of this works, heck, even if it does, I think that the two of you should look at some counselling. Trust me, if you don't fix it now things will only end up worse one way or another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 5:19am
Hi there,

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 8:54am

westridge2001 wrote:
it wasn't ever going to be a "special" day was it? You knew that you weren't going to get laid even before it didn't happen.

Actually I did think, cause throughout the week she made comments about making love and having sex over the weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 8:57am

Xploziv1:

Thanks for the advice and the mentioning of the other board. I will check it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 10:27am
Is your wife in Birth Control? If she is that may very well be the reason she has no sex drive. When I was on BC I never wanted sex...there were times we only had sex like once a month...I've been off of it now for a while and we have a great sex life now....She needs to see the doctor no matter if she's on BC or not.
Hope it works out for you!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 2:30pm

That shines a different light on your problem. She "teased" you all week, making you think you'd finally get lucky.....then she turned you down? That's strange, like she's getting some kind of pleasure knowing that you're so unhappy about it.

You know, women can have sex anytime they want to.....unlike men. Women don't have to get an erection, they can just lie there and let it happen. Many women with low libidos still allow their husband to get his pleasure, or release, or whatever you want to call it. It's sad that they can't get pleasure out of it, but they care enough for their husband to at least "participate".

She, on the other hand, not only won't let you "just do it"......she's taunting you with the fact that you're not going to get any!

She definitely needs some kind of counselling......it's sounding more like some kind of abuse happened to her....and as a "victim", she's exerting her power over a man....getting "even"......If she was abused, she definitely needs counselling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 2:49pm
So did you try and initiate sex on your birthday and were shot down, or were you expecting her to initiate and are depressed because she didn't do so?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 3:23pm

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Is that what really happened though? I don't think that he said she "taunted" him. Yes, he said that she had promised and hinted all week but it fell through on the day. Is that because she's being evil about it, or is it because she genuinely wanted to, but got "side-tracked" on the day?

I'd like to think the latter rather than the former. If she is controlling/teasing him and exerting her power then that is just nasty. If she got "side-tracked" then at least she's kinda trying in her own way most of the time even if she doesn't follow through.

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