Looking for Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Looking for Advice
16
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:06am

I am not sure if I am posting this in the right place or not. But I need advice. Today or Yesterday (7/28) was my birthday and for the 3 year in a row my wife was not interested in making love with me. Actually since our wedding in 2004 I can count between my hands and feet (no extra needed) the total amount of times we have made love or had sex and I am so lost. I have looked everywhere, we have discussed it and she even acknowledges a low sex drive, but I am really depressed cause it is just after midnight my time and look what I am doing crying at my computer and looking for advice.

I am even having second thoughts, but I do not know who to talk to anymore or anything so now I figure maybe someone out in cyberspace has advice.

I love dearly and am happy with being with her, but I deel so incomplete.

Any help will be grateful.

thanks,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 9:47pm

Welcome to the board depressed_husband.

I'm sorry to hear that your birthday didn't turn out the way you would have liked. I agree with the others that have said your DW needs to get a medical evaluation to rule out anything there that can be contributing to her lack of libido. Whether or not there is a medical problem, counseling can be great for both of you. Learning how to effectively communicate and understand he needs of each other will go a long way to making a happy marriage, even if the sex is lacking.

Good luck, and let us know how things go.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 11:10pm

bostonsteve:

actually I tried and got the I am too tired, when I noticed she was not making the first move.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2007
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 11:16pm

Westridge2001:

I think you are more accurate on the situation, I have never known my wife to be the tanting and evil-minded individual. More the regret.

This evening when I attempted to discuss it, I think I hurt her feelings and cause her comment was "Are you happy you are making me feel this tall" with her tumb and index finger the size of the worldests smallest voilin.

You all got to understand that I love her and do not want to hurt her in any way. I just do not know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 5:32am
Does she understand that she is making you feel that tall also, by not wanting to have sex with you -- that it leaves you feeling undesired, and unloved? You'd think she could have made an effort, on your birthday of all days.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 1:11am

What did you say when she made the "this tall" thumb and forefinger comment?

Naturally she is going to feel like you are making it sound like her "fault" and Yes, she probably will feel hurt. What she has to realise is that YOU too have felt hurt and at fault for wanting for sex, and that it isn't her "fault". But she does need to understand that what she wants and what you want are two very different things and that it is causing a rift in the relationship if it isn't addressed.

It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom either. You *can* discuss it openly and you *can* try to find solutions without the two of you feeling embarrassed and hurt by it all. If she was vegetarian and you loved a steak you wouldn't be embarrassed and hurt talking about a way to compromise at meal times. If she disliked your parents, the two of you could find a way to compromise on family visits during the holidays without feeling hurt and embarrassed about discussing it. In many ways neither of you should be any more embarrassed about this subject. Yeah, I know that it's easier said than done too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 7:21pm

So sorry to hear that you have this problem now. You never discussed some of the things that were mentioned here and I think you should really address them. I lived in a marriage for 14 years with a man I loved dearly but who had almost no desire for sex by the time we had been together 10 years. From the start his sex drive was low (I admit that I have a fairly high libido) but he was such a great guy otherwise I thought I could adjust. But he refused even to compromise. Yes it made me feel 'this big' when he even stopped touching me or kissing me or hugging me in our marriage because he was afraid it would make me want sex. It didn't just actually make me want sex because I wasn't getting any at all most times, so it was a neverending want. After 14 years I finally realized that if I stayed with him I was going to cheat on him. And my own intergrity wouldn't allow me to do that so I divorced him even though he continously said he still loved me. Did I love him by then? I think deep down I did but I was so hurt and angry that he wouldn't even TRY to do anything about satisfying me. He just avoided it.

About the things you really need to think about:

1. You didn't say if she was using birth control or medications (some anti-depressants are notorious for causing low libido).

2. You didn't state if she has always been this way.

3. Did she experience any sexual abuse growing up?

All those answers here may help you get more insight into the problem. Also you need to watch very carefully HOW you discuss this with her. Make sure you are using 'I' statements and NOT 'you' statements so she doesn't feel as if you are blaming her. Examples are 'I love you so much and I want to make love you so much that it hurts me when I can't.' instead of "You never want to make love to me, why are you like this?"

I sincerely hope you address this issue because I know from sorry experience, it can kill a marriage even if you love the LL person.

Good luck and happy belated birthday.

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