Love Isn't Always Enough!
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| Wed, 07-04-2007 - 1:20pm |
Until recently I never understood the saying "LOVE ISN'T ALWAYS ENOUGH", but the truth is it's not. As a young girl growing up I couldnt' wait to fall in love and get married, at that age you don't worry about sexual chemistry. I always hear guys bitch about how they don't get enough sex, well our rolls are reversed because it's me doing the bitching. I must face the facts that either my husband is not attracted to me or is a very greedy lover. Sex for us women is more than just pleasure, its also a way to receive and give love. If you do something that feels good, wouldn't you want to do it more often? A while back I talked my husband into taking a bubble bath together. We were both a little stressed and I wanted to make him feel better. I took my time and very gently washed his entire body. Once done I washed his hair, I know he enjoyed it because he was very relaxed had is eyes closed. Shortly after I was done he decided he didn't want to be in the bath anymore and got out. He sat by the tub as I washed my own body with the sponge I had used on him. ARGH I felt cold, humiliated, unloved so I started to cry. Was it to much for him to have returned the love without me having to ask? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Sex for us is the same way(when we have it). It feels cold to me, like something is missing, he is more worried about himself then trying to pleasure me. If I'm not ready (wet) he spits in his hand to lubricate me. He knows I hate this because I've told him. I want the forplay, I want him to touch me with love, I want him to feel like he can't get enough of me. I've tried to tell him what I want, I've shown him how I want to be touched. (I know you guys can't read our minds) Maybe I've read to many romance books, but I'm tired of asking for it then being rejected, tired of telling him over and over what I need and want. I'm sorry but I dont't have the time to write a instructions manual. I've bought toys, videos, told him my fantasy. I'm lost-confused-hurt-lonely-and worried I will try to find what I'm missing somewhere else. He knows this as well because I've told him. I don't doubt him when he says I love you, but "actions speak louder buddy" This would be easy if our relationship was bad, but it's great outside the bedroom. Should I be happy with what I have, should I just let this go. ARGH so confusing. Is someone out there having a similar problem??????

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Does anyone else have a similar problem? Oh yeah.... and it isn't just women who use sex as a way to give and receive love. People of either gender can be wired to have physical touch as our primary love language. My mismatch is by no means as severe as what yours sounds like (I'm the HL one in my marriage), but much of what you wrote resonated with me. If you hop over to the Mismatched Libidos board you'll find that there are many people in this predicament, and LL men seem to be just as common as LL women.
In your case it seems like your DH is interested in having sex, so it isn't that he has a low libido per se, it's just that (from what you write) he seems like a very selfish lover, who has never learned the importance of your pleasure in an intimate encounter. I'm not really sure what advice to offer you here, as it sounds like you've already tried many of the things I would normally advise someone in your situation to try. Hopefully someone else will stop by shortly, with some better advice to offer.
Hi kytten33,
Like the other two that responded to you, I'm also the one fighting for an intimate relationship. That said, when we are together, he does meet most of my needs, and if I want more, all I have to do is ask.
If I was in the situation you are in now, and my partner didn't give me foreplay, or didn't listen to me when I told him repeatedly what I wanted or needed, in the end I'd be refusing sex until he chose to make my needs a priority. There were a few times in a previous relationship where a BF of mine got lazy, and I had to say to him a few times, "Hey, I'm not ready yet, so get off me". If he felt I was playing a game, he soon found out just how strong my thighs were at closing up! Placing spit on you for lube, even though he knows you don't like it is rude, selfish, and borders on forcing you to have sex when you aren't physically ready.
As Steve said, you've tried everything that we would normally suggest, time and time again. About the only thing I can suggest trying is reading the following workshop:
How to Retrain Your Lover
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextechnique/0,,74pmcvxf,00.html
Welcome to the board kytten33.
I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. Despite conversations, often people do run into a similar road block. Have the two of you thought about trying counseling? Often, having a third party helps everyone hear what is being said. Learning ways to be sure you are effectively communicating can also make a difference. Sometimes, if we're upset when we try to talk, things don't come out with the right meaning, or they aren't heard as they are intended. Here are some articles that you might find helpful:
5 Secrets of Getting a Man to Open Up
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,saver_79jcxw99,00.html
30 Days of Great Sex
Step 4: Talk About Sex
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmgetcloser/0,,nr21,00.html
Solutions to Your Top Two Communication Problems
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,saver_7p3g,00.html
3 Communication Pitfalls to Avoid
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,7mcw,00.html
Since you say your relationship is great outside of the bedroom, and it seems he is interested in sex, it sounds much more like he either doesn't understand your needs, or he is selfish. In the instance of the bath, it sounds like he's selfish. Perhaps making sure that your needs are met first is in order.
Don't depend on him to solely be the one that thinks of what to do, or even actually does what you need. Bring toys to bed with you and use them yourself if need be. In general, guys love to see ladies please themselves. Chances are you will be getting him even more aroused (which should feed your arousal too), while you are also teaching him two important things: you aren't asking him to do "all" the work, and you are showing him what you need to be satisfied.
I think when sex isn't work as we would like in our lives, we often want it "all". We look at it as an all or nothing situation. While spit isn't the worst lube in the world, it isn't very sexy when you aren't aroused either. If you focus on "not liking him to use spit", then you are going to loose the benefit of anything good that might be happening, KWIM? Taking baby steps together is going to work better for both of you in the end. A lot of sexual satisfaction comes from your mind. If you start out thinking "he's going to get his and leave me high and dry", chances are that's exactly what will happen. If you take better control of things, he won't be able to do that.
I know that the things I'm recommending don't sound ideal, but they should help to reshape what's happening (or not happening) in your sex life. It sounds like the two of you have been ignoring the problem for a while. If you can't work it out between yourselves, counseling really should be considered, IMO. The longer you let things go, the more resentment you will typically build up about the situation.
You might want to read through some of the other threads here too. You'll find tips and techniques that you may not have thought of. Also, keep posting and visiting. You'll see different advice and questions daily, and you never know what you might find that works for your situation as well.
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To be honest, it helps just knowing someone else is having the same problem. We get so caught up in our own misery we feel like knowone else could understand the situation. Plus it's a little embarrassing as well... Almost like "whats wrong with me". Let me ask you something, do you ever get tired of trying? Almost like what's the point. I mean it really shouldn't be this complicated. Well everthing else in the marriage is great so maybe we should have an issue somewhere.... :-)
Thanks..
I don't have a problem telling him what I want sexually outside of the bedroom, but once we start getting intimate I can't make myself tell him what it is I want or need. I guess I exspect him to remember our conversations and take charge. This may be wrong, but I feel that if I have to ask for something during sex, it's because he didn't really want to do it in the first place. Again I know he can't read my mind, but I have told him what I want and need in conversations outside of the bedroom.
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