Love Isn't Always Enough!
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| Wed, 07-04-2007 - 1:20pm |
Until recently I never understood the saying "LOVE ISN'T ALWAYS ENOUGH", but the truth is it's not. As a young girl growing up I couldnt' wait to fall in love and get married, at that age you don't worry about sexual chemistry. I always hear guys bitch about how they don't get enough sex, well our rolls are reversed because it's me doing the bitching. I must face the facts that either my husband is not attracted to me or is a very greedy lover. Sex for us women is more than just pleasure, its also a way to receive and give love. If you do something that feels good, wouldn't you want to do it more often? A while back I talked my husband into taking a bubble bath together. We were both a little stressed and I wanted to make him feel better. I took my time and very gently washed his entire body. Once done I washed his hair, I know he enjoyed it because he was very relaxed had is eyes closed. Shortly after I was done he decided he didn't want to be in the bath anymore and got out. He sat by the tub as I washed my own body with the sponge I had used on him. ARGH I felt cold, humiliated, unloved so I started to cry. Was it to much for him to have returned the love without me having to ask? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Sex for us is the same way(when we have it). It feels cold to me, like something is missing, he is more worried about himself then trying to pleasure me. If I'm not ready (wet) he spits in his hand to lubricate me. He knows I hate this because I've told him. I want the forplay, I want him to touch me with love, I want him to feel like he can't get enough of me. I've tried to tell him what I want, I've shown him how I want to be touched. (I know you guys can't read our minds) Maybe I've read to many romance books, but I'm tired of asking for it then being rejected, tired of telling him over and over what I need and want. I'm sorry but I dont't have the time to write a instructions manual. I've bought toys, videos, told him my fantasy. I'm lost-confused-hurt-lonely-and worried I will try to find what I'm missing somewhere else. He knows this as well because I've told him. I don't doubt him when he says I love you, but "actions speak louder buddy" This would be easy if our relationship was bad, but it's great outside the bedroom. Should I be happy with what I have, should I just let this go. ARGH so confusing. Is someone out there having a similar problem??????

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>>>This may be wrong, but I feel that if I have to ask for something during sex, it's because he didn't really want to do it in the first place. <<<
That's understandable, and I sometimes feel the same way. On the other hand, he may be so focused on the fact that he's about to get laid that all the things you told him just don't occur to him. The other thing is, if he has ever watched porn, then from that he has learned that women should instantly be able to be aroused, wet and ready, and he can't get past it.
Should a sex life be this difficult? No, certainly not. When my partner and I first met, our sex life was so hot, and we couldn't get enough of each other. Everything was always unbelievable. Then a number of problems all sort of came at once, and our sex life went out the window, and is making a very slow road to recovery. Sometimes I did feel like giving up, because I did get sick of all the rejection.
Just once I wish I could make him loose control and take advantage of me... :) I would love for him to touch me as if he couldn't get enough of my body.... I'm a very up front, in your face type of person,-honesty to a fault- so I've told him these things... How are they going to get fixed if he doesn't know how I'm feeling... But shoot he has to listen, take notes, whatever it takes to help me fix this... I've said this before, will say it again, pleasing oneself gets old after a while! Anger is nipping at my ass which doesn't solve anything.... :(
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Hmmm wow got my attention this morning, I like cake for breakfast,lol
"In the beginning our sex life didn't matter to me so much...I guess it wasn't a priority. I always made excuses for our lack of bedroom time, and excuses for his lack of showing me affection..."
Well you aren't the only person to do this. So many people seem to think this isn't that important. They focus on all the other person's good qualities and feel they can either live without the sex/effection/intimacy or that the person will change when they get married. Down the road just about all find that nothing changes and it most cases, it gets worse.
It seems like you married a person with little interest in sex and intimacy. You've found that no matter how much you try, want or hope he will change, he never will change. No all men have an interest in sex/intimacy. Some fear the intimacy greatly. Seems he is one of those men.
You can try seeing if he will read a book with you, like the Five Love Languages where they try to show that you have to learn to speak your partner's love language (not theirs) to help meet their partner's emotional needs and help keep maintaining love in the relationship. That might help him understand that he needs to do at least some of the things you are asking him to do to keep the love strong in the relationship. Otherwise as you see from your anger, it will slow eat away at the foundation of the relationship.
Or you could suggest going to counseling/therapy together or by himself for intimacy issues. See what he says for that. He'll might possibly come back at you and say you knew he was this way from the beginning so why the change?
Or you could fight fire with fire. Let him know that if he can't even try to meet your emotional needs, you will stop meeting his. This is risky of course and could really backfire but if all you have tried hasn't work, you have to attempt something new and this would be a last resort.
I think mostly like though, you going to find that he will not change (basically you are greatly mismatched) and you have to either try to learn to live like this if you find all his other qualities that you married him still endearing or maybe eventually move on if you find you can't sleep in the same bed with a man who has no type of intimate interest in you, even though he is a great person in general.
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