Love Isn't Always Enough!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Love Isn't Always Enough!
55
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 1:20pm

Until recently I never understood the saying "LOVE ISN'T ALWAYS ENOUGH", but the truth is it's not. As a young girl growing up I couldnt' wait to fall in love and get married, at that age you don't worry about sexual chemistry. I always hear guys bitch about how they don't get enough sex, well our rolls are reversed because it's me doing the bitching. I must face the facts that either my husband is not attracted to me or is a very greedy lover. Sex for us women is more than just pleasure, its also a way to receive and give love. If you do something that feels good, wouldn't you want to do it more often? A while back I talked my husband into taking a bubble bath together. We were both a little stressed and I wanted to make him feel better. I took my time and very gently washed his entire body. Once done I washed his hair, I know he enjoyed it because he was very relaxed had is eyes closed. Shortly after I was done he decided he didn't want to be in the bath anymore and got out. He sat by the tub as I washed my own body with the sponge I had used on him. ARGH I felt cold, humiliated, unloved so I started to cry. Was it to much for him to have returned the love without me having to ask? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Sex for us is the same way(when we have it). It feels cold to me, like something is missing, he is more worried about himself then trying to pleasure me. If I'm not ready (wet) he spits in his hand to lubricate me. He knows I hate this because I've told him. I want the forplay, I want him to touch me with love, I want him to feel like he can't get enough of me. I've tried to tell him what I want, I've shown him how I want to be touched. (I know you guys can't read our minds) Maybe I've read to many romance books, but I'm tired of asking for it then being rejected, tired of telling him over and over what I need and want. I'm sorry but I dont't have the time to write a instructions manual. I've bought toys, videos, told him my fantasy. I'm lost-confused-hurt-lonely-and worried I will try to find what I'm missing somewhere else. He knows this as well because I've told him. I don't doubt him when he says I love you, but "actions speak louder buddy" This would be easy if our relationship was bad, but it's great outside the bedroom. Should I be happy with what I have, should I just let this go. ARGH so confusing. Is someone out there having a similar problem??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 5:24am
My DW is willing to talk about it as well, and to make an effort, which makes me better off than many other people on here. I even get kinky sex from time to time, so I really shouldn't be complaining. I find that I'm still left wishing that she was a little more into it, though, and that I felt a little more wanted and desired as a result. It isn't good for my ego feeling like my wife doesn't exactly want to jump my bones, KWIM?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 7:20am

>>>This may be wrong, but I feel that if I have to ask for something during sex, it's because he didn't really want to do it in the first place. <<<

That's understandable, and I sometimes feel the same way. On the other hand, he may be so focused on the fact that he's about to get laid that all the things you told him just don't occur to him. The other thing is, if he has ever watched porn, then from that he has learned that women should instantly be able to be aroused, wet and ready, and he can't get past it.

Should a sex life be this difficult? No, certainly not. When my partner and I first met, our sex life was so hot, and we couldn't get enough of each other. Everything was always unbelievable. Then a number of problems all sort of came at once, and our sex life went out the window, and is making a very slow road to recovery. Sometimes I did feel like giving up, because I did get sick of all the rejection.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 8:48am
I know exactly what you mean... I consider myself a pretty confident person, but it's hard to hold onto that confidence while being rejected.. Ohhhh don't get me wrong he tells me all the time how attracted he is to me, he say's all the right things, but then again actions speak louder then words... When my husband doesn't take the time to show me, it makes me feel like I'm not worth the time, its to much of a hassle. I feel like I'm the man in this relationship and he's the woman... "No not tonight babe my head hurts" or "I'm to tired tonight" argh sound familiar? I'll go as far as to ask him-well what can I do to put you in the mood, the answer----big fat nothing! You know pleasing oneself can only be gratifing for so long. Pretty soon resentment sets in.. I find myself doing stupid things (games) to see if he's still attracted to me.. I will give you a example.... A while back we were at a function that required bathing suits. I don't have a perfect body, but I do work out and feel pretty good about myself... It helps that mother nature decided to make the "girls" a little on the large size.... Well anyways at this function some stranger was checking out the "girls". I will admit I was working it.... Standing tall-thrusting them out, pretending that I didn't notice this guy trying to burn a hole into my chest... My husband was standing behind me and all but was trying to stare this guy down... I pretended not to notice the little war game going on!!! A few minutes later my husband asked me, hey did you notice that guy checking you out, and me being me, said ohhhh "what guy"? The jealousy bug was eating at my husbands ass, and guess what it felt good.... I hate playing these little games but sometimes it's the little things that get you by. Well sorry so long, guess I was on a rant. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 9:03am
In the beginning our sex life didn't matter to me so much...I guess it wasn't a priority. I always made excuses for our lack of bedroom time, and excuses for his lack of showing me affection... Ohhhh work, stress, the house and blah blah blah... But I find myself out of excuses.
Just once I wish I could make him loose control and take advantage of me... :) I would love for him to touch me as if he couldn't get enough of my body.... I'm a very up front, in your face type of person,-honesty to a fault- so I've told him these things... How are they going to get fixed if he doesn't know how I'm feeling... But shoot he has to listen, take notes, whatever it takes to help me fix this... I've said this before, will say it again, pleasing oneself gets old after a while! Anger is nipping at my ass which doesn't solve anything.... :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 9:08am
Yes, something is missing... But there's nothing I can do about it alone..



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 9:15am
Well I'm pretty sure I still "have it" as well, if only the spouses would stand up and take notice.:)I'm not perfect but I do take care of my body, and yikes it needs to be worshiped! I'm not trying to brag but I notice how other guys look at me- to bad all I can think about is "I wish my husband would look at me like that". You know that look--- like I'm your favorite dessert that you want to eat up. LoL- I try to be funny about this entire situation but hey it works.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 9:16am
I understand, if he doesn't want to make it work you can't fix it alone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 9:31am

<<<>>>
<<<>>>

Hmmm wow got my attention this morning, I like cake for breakfast,lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:25am

"In the beginning our sex life didn't matter to me so much...I guess it wasn't a priority. I always made excuses for our lack of bedroom time, and excuses for his lack of showing me affection..."

Well you aren't the only person to do this. So many people seem to think this isn't that important. They focus on all the other person's good qualities and feel they can either live without the sex/effection/intimacy or that the person will change when they get married. Down the road just about all find that nothing changes and it most cases, it gets worse.

It seems like you married a person with little interest in sex and intimacy. You've found that no matter how much you try, want or hope he will change, he never will change. No all men have an interest in sex/intimacy. Some fear the intimacy greatly. Seems he is one of those men.

You can try seeing if he will read a book with you, like the Five Love Languages where they try to show that you have to learn to speak your partner's love language (not theirs) to help meet their partner's emotional needs and help keep maintaining love in the relationship. That might help him understand that he needs to do at least some of the things you are asking him to do to keep the love strong in the relationship. Otherwise as you see from your anger, it will slow eat away at the foundation of the relationship.

Or you could suggest going to counseling/therapy together or by himself for intimacy issues. See what he says for that. He'll might possibly come back at you and say you knew he was this way from the beginning so why the change?

Or you could fight fire with fire. Let him know that if he can't even try to meet your emotional needs, you will stop meeting his. This is risky of course and could really backfire but if all you have tried hasn't work, you have to attempt something new and this would be a last resort.

I think mostly like though, you going to find that he will not change (basically you are greatly mismatched) and you have to either try to learn to live like this if you find all his other qualities that you married him still endearing or maybe eventually move on if you find you can't sleep in the same bed with a man who has no type of intimate interest in you, even though he is a great person in general.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:37am
You must have a sweet tooth or something.....