Love Isn't Always Enough!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Love Isn't Always Enough!
55
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 1:20pm

Until recently I never understood the saying "LOVE ISN'T ALWAYS ENOUGH", but the truth is it's not. As a young girl growing up I couldnt' wait to fall in love and get married, at that age you don't worry about sexual chemistry. I always hear guys bitch about how they don't get enough sex, well our rolls are reversed because it's me doing the bitching. I must face the facts that either my husband is not attracted to me or is a very greedy lover. Sex for us women is more than just pleasure, its also a way to receive and give love. If you do something that feels good, wouldn't you want to do it more often? A while back I talked my husband into taking a bubble bath together. We were both a little stressed and I wanted to make him feel better. I took my time and very gently washed his entire body. Once done I washed his hair, I know he enjoyed it because he was very relaxed had is eyes closed. Shortly after I was done he decided he didn't want to be in the bath anymore and got out. He sat by the tub as I washed my own body with the sponge I had used on him. ARGH I felt cold, humiliated, unloved so I started to cry. Was it to much for him to have returned the love without me having to ask? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Sex for us is the same way(when we have it). It feels cold to me, like something is missing, he is more worried about himself then trying to pleasure me. If I'm not ready (wet) he spits in his hand to lubricate me. He knows I hate this because I've told him. I want the forplay, I want him to touch me with love, I want him to feel like he can't get enough of me. I've tried to tell him what I want, I've shown him how I want to be touched. (I know you guys can't read our minds) Maybe I've read to many romance books, but I'm tired of asking for it then being rejected, tired of telling him over and over what I need and want. I'm sorry but I dont't have the time to write a instructions manual. I've bought toys, videos, told him my fantasy. I'm lost-confused-hurt-lonely-and worried I will try to find what I'm missing somewhere else. He knows this as well because I've told him. I don't doubt him when he says I love you, but "actions speak louder buddy" This would be easy if our relationship was bad, but it's great outside the bedroom. Should I be happy with what I have, should I just let this go. ARGH so confusing. Is someone out there having a similar problem??????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 2:56pm
Hmmmm, yes, I had to refrain from your pillow comments already
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 4:34pm
you stated,"If you do something that feels good, wouldn't you want to do it more often?" I have often thought about that my self.. I have come to the conclusion that only high libido people think that way..
It is a concept low libido people do not understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 4:52pm
Well I think it's like eating chips, never can stop at one. That's just my way of thinking. I'm gonna start slipping something into his drink to up that libido!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 7:20pm

Wow ... this could have been my last marriage. Everything was great except for the fact that he was so uptight and most of the time a 'rapid firer' that our sex life was almost nonexistent after a couple of years and REALLY boring when we did have it. I did finally give up and would just go to the bathroom and get myself off (it made him uncomfortable if I did that around him) when we were done. Did that for another 10 years. Asked him for a divorce and he said he would try to change but even though he claimed he loved me (he showed me by giving me THINGS) he wasn't willing to compromise 'his principles' to bring me to orgasm. It was hard-wired into him. I think his mother had convinced him that sex was dirty and he just couldn't get that out of his head. I never could get him to 'dine at the Y' even though I begged. You may have to come to the realization that some men you just cannot train. I hope for your sake that you can though. I really loved and liked that man (my XH) but I just couldn't live without sex and I couldn't bring myself to step outside my marriage for that. So I gave up and left him.

You may try what I did for a while (until he said it made him so uncomfortable and to take it somewhere else). If he doesn't get you off get out your vibrator. If you don't have one get one. Maybe you can at least get him to start using it on you. If my XH had at least been willing to do that (after our 2 minute sex romps) I would probably still be married to him. I can guarantee one thing. If you want to make your marriage last you need to take drastic measures with a man that treats your sexuality that way.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 8:33pm
Sexual pleasure in a relationship should be a MUTUAL experience. You should NEVER be uncomfortable expressing your needs. Try it, don’t feel bad about it!!......Perhaps he needs your guidance for the short term. Maybe he is unaware that you need more from him, i.e., different touches, sensuality, different ways of showing you affection. Persist in teaching him, and then hopefully he will take the reigns.
A lot of men have been conditioned to see sex as a want act rather than a need based act where one needs to connect emotionally as well as physically. Many men are just satisfied just getting sex not making love!! Women tend to want more the fore and after affects of sex, which encompasses all the "lovely dovey" intimates of making love. You need to make him aware that a deeper emotional connection sexually will lead to greater and more prolonged satisfaction for both. That’s the reward of making love as opposed to just a lust based sex act.
Perhaps set aside a night (regularly) where you are in charge, role play if you must, this sometimes lessens the pressure and embarrassment you fee in being dominant or too descriptive because you are acting out an alter ego. I would imagine many men like that assertion in their partner….Don’t assume that he doesn’t want to do the sort of acts that you desire – he probably just doesn’t realize that great sex demands more than just the physical act of penetration and instant self gratification.
Set the bait for passion….Don’t be ashamed to cast your line….if you loves you and wants the best for you, he will bite when he realizes the reward!
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