Love & Porn...???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Love & Porn...???
55
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:15pm

Ok everyone, I am asking first of all for all of you to put all of your personal opinions and beliefs aside for a moment and try to speak objectively for a moment.

I am madly in love with a man who is also in love with me. We plan on getting married eventually. Since we were first together we've had a lot of ups and downs but we are each other's best friend and we share everything including a love that for both of us runs very deep (we call it "movie love"). I have felt from the time I met him that I was the luckiest girl in the world but unfortunately one subject has taken away the sweetness of what our love was.

Both this man and I have been married before and we have discussed the problems of our marriages and how we dealt with those problems. One of the habits he developed (which I understood) was the use of porn because he was hardly satisfied sexually. However throughout the time we've been together we have talked about it on a few occasions.

My view - from the getgo I have told him how I did not like it and how it bothered me. I have conservative views on sex and how it is something very special shared between two people. Even while we have been together we have been experimental which I have been open to to show that I am willing to keep our intimate life exciting. I have only been with 2 other people besides him (though I have dated many people), 1 of which was my x. But he has always known (at least I believe) how sacred being intimate is to me and how I feel porn invades that intimacy.

His view - throughout our conversations since we've been together about this subject he told me why he used to use it so often in his marriage and which I have been able to sympathize with but at the same time we usually are intimate at least a couple times a week and sometimes it's just been for him...which I haven't minded doing. He had said a couple times a long time ago that he said he felt it was wrong, and another time he said that if you're really in love with someone and you have a very healthy sex life that there isn't any need for it. He also told he that if he looked at anything it was usually two people together (which kind of made me feel somewhat relieved in a weird way that he wasn't just looking at women). Recently on a few occasions I have found things on his computer (searches that pop up without really having to look) that he says his friend looked up when he was over or that he was downloading to put on a cd for a friend (which I know he was doing). However I recently used his laptop which I don't usually use and I know only he uses and I wasn't even really looking (well maybe a little) but I actually saw some sites that we had looked at like for things we wanted to do together (outdoor activities that is...!) and I thought it was sweet, but then I noticed too that he had a porn site just of women saved on it. I was so heartbroken, angry and sad that I was literally shaking.

Another factor is that even though I was shy about it he had taken pictures of me at one point and said that he wouldn't need to look at other things if he had pictures of me...

When I confronted him about it he said that he possibly even looked at something about a week ago when we had a huge discussion about it about a month ago but yet he told me he didn't realize I felt so strongly about it. I was extremely angry at the fact that throughout our relationship I know I have brought it up to know whether I was enough for him and that he didn't need that. Not only this but obviously every woman knows that her own body (esp mine after 2 children) cannot compete with these women's perfect bodies in sexual poses....I am also totally fuming because I asked him why he even took my pictures if he was going to look at that crap...his excuse was that I seemed to look nervous. He also said that it has been a bad habit and that it's one he hasn't broken completely. I said I couldn't understand when you're intimate with someone so frequently how it is you are so horny that you need to get off all the time?????!!!! Is there no such thing as self control?????

Right now I am a mixture of so many emotions - I'm SO angry because I feel like he knew how I felt about it, extremely sad and brokenhearted because I trusted what he had said about being in love, and because I felt like I put my trust in him when I have said how special it is for me to make love to him. I'm also devastated with my own self consciousness because I feel like I wasn't enough. I even feel very uncomfortable being intimate with him because I think of what these women look like compared to me... :o( All I can think of is him looking at them........The crazy thing is that on a few occasions he has been insecure about me looking or thinking of other guys but how is it that looking at naked women is ok????!!!!

The unspoken ultimatum - now because all of this blew up he has said that he didn't realize how important it was to me (which I don't get at all) but that he is willing to change it and to not do it anymore because he loves me (which I do know). Even when we've been intimate since then I feel very uncomfortable with him (which I hate because I felt so comfortable with him before) and he has admitted that he knows it will take time and that it's his fault I feel uncomfortable. (YES, it is HIS fault!) I also told him that sometimes it bothers me that some people consider cheating being only physical but how is it so different when you can be with any woman you want in your mind? I've personally never felt the way I do about him with anyone, I don't think about anyone else and am not even the slightest bit interested when people hit on me...he tells me that if he looked at women they were women that resembled me (yeah like I'm a frickin supermodel -I know I'm attractive but my body's nowhere near perfect).

Here's the situation, right now I am so confused because I know he loves me and will change it, I believe and trust that he would. However the problem lies in the fact that I thought a lot of this time I THOUGHT I could trust him and now I feel betrayed because I really believed he understood where I stood and when I would ask him I thought I could believe him that he wasn't looking elsewhere. I also don't know how to feel completely comfortable with him again though I want to very much. I'm also feeling as though my self esteem is crushed because I really feel like I wasn't good enough and don't know if I can feel as though I will be good enough (physically).

I love this man very much and am so sad that all of this has happened. I feel very lost because he's my lover and my best friend but I cannot help but feel so distanced from him even though I know how hard he wants to try. How can I erase this? I don't know if I can forget so easily....please tell me what your opinion is of how I feel and what I should do. Thanks

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 2:37pm

The only thing that disturbs me about the habit of using porn from a young and impressionable age is the possible effect it can have on expectations.

I just don't see how it can't affect a young boy's or man's ideas of sex and women, in general. And I know that I've heard this from young men I know personally. After all, one is training oneself to respond to certain physical characteristics and likely, very unrealistic ones at that.

Perhaps, this is why young women are beginning to expect or desire much larger penises since more women are watching porn these days!

I also just heard one result of a study today saying that men who used porn were more likely to encourage or suggest plastic surgery to their partners, primarily, breast implants, than those who don't. And that's some indication of male expectations being directly influenced by porn.

Not a good thing, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 2:44pm
Oh, I agree, and I don't think that it STOPS at the physical level either. There are also expectations with respect to sexual acts too(anal, facials, etc). I remember wondering why I couldn't orgasm from three minutes of intercourse with little or no stimulation prior. I thought I was a freak. Oh my, and all the sound effects when these women orgasmed. ;-)
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 3:19pm
Question for ya? Is it really THAT hard to NOT look?
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 6:06pm
Absolutely. It has the potential to cause all kinds of disappointment and unrealistic expectations which almost never get discussed openly in a relationship.


Edited 5/5/2005 6:19 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 6:39pm

But can anyone tell me why he would have himself said that if you're in love with someone it SHOULD NOT be necessary????? And that HE HIMSELF said he thought it was WRONG before??????
Do these images come up when he's having sex with me? Do they stay in his head and pop up all the time? I know I looked at the stupid site for like 10 seconds and I can still see the crap!!!!!!!!!
I believe it's self control and he knows I don't feel comfortable with him at all - shouldn't this make him feel bad and not want to do it (I forgot to mention I also had a bad sexual experience which makes me more uncomfortable with it which he also knew) - I mean this man has told me (which I know it sounds corny) that I'm his best friend, we feel like we're two halves of a whole - he knows I won't put up with it AT ALL and he said on more than one occasion that he will do it....it's either me or the porn and I think if you love someone then you'll make the decision, but will it still be true he will just fantasize all the time?
Remember I said that he felt insecure about me THINKING or LOOKING at other guys - not sexually fantasizing about them....
I believe we can control our imaginations and our wills to not LOOK at porn or live in IMAGINARY land - have I not mentioned that we have been experimental????

I just don't get all this crap. It bothers the hell out of me personally. I used to feel really confident about myself actually and not insecure, it wasn't until this stuff came up that he grew distant and I began to feel insecure. I can sense when he's distant from me because he's contradicted himself even.

Sorry but I do know who and what I am. I may not have the perfect body and it's no wonder that girls starve themselves and try to pump their bodies full of crap to look this way. Men lose some respect involuntarily for women when they look at this stuff. Just as I felt I could tell when it was happening with him because he even treated me differently. Women shouldn't have to feel threatened by this as it seems so many do. Isn't it true that looking at this stuff makes men think about sex A LOT - is that all it is is some activity to think about all the dam time? Is nothing sacred anymore? I had hoped that somewhere along the way someone would see the effects of it - sorry I don't mean to piss people off because of my opinions but it's not ok with me.

It's me or the porn and if a man chooses porn over someone he says he's really in love with I wouldn't think he'd be worth having anyway. I have expectations. I know my x did not look, I know because he worked at home, I would use his computer all the time and knew much more about it than he did. He treated me very well but I was not in love with him. Anyway, point in hand, men can go without.

I guess time will tell. Since he is my best friend, I'd like to believe I can believe him. I did believe that before I came on here and everyone says it's not possible. I don't know, I'm so screwed up over this....outta here....

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 7:00pm

I think you have to accept the fact that your guy is human with all the frailties that go along with that. IF you want to keep him in your life, that is. If it's not this problem with THIS guy, it will be another one with another guy.

You simply can't expect perfection in a partner though because it's only setting you both up for a fall. It's a given that he WILL let you down, in some way, at some time, and you can either accept that and love him anyway, or you can't.

It's up to you to decide if you can live with an imperfect human being, or doom yourself to living alone because there are no perfect people in the world.

But you're right, porn isn't a given for all men. My DH doesn't use porn and never has but that was HIS choice. However, it sounds like you've already made up your mind to let him go over this issue and that's YOUR choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 7:51pm
Hi,
No, it's not hard "not to look". I didn't mean it that way. I certainly don't ogle when I'm with my SO out of respect. However, on TV or out in public, when an especially attractive person comes into view, I don't feel that I or she should have to look away and pretend not to see. It is human nature to look at attractive things. Whether they are people or art work.
My real point was that if one can't handle their SO looking at someone else, then it is a real security problem. We all do it from time to time. But when you take a step back and look at it. It's rediculous to get jealous. If your SO really wanted to "be" with someone else, then you wouldn't want them anyways.
I have been in a relationship that was like being in junior high school with regard to jealousy and what one can and can't do. Look, talk to, or be seen with. it breads more jealousy. Once one decides to "not care" about those things, the relationship can mature.
I hope I'm making a little bit of sense. I think I lost myself with my rambling on, trying to explain myself. LOL Oh well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 8:58pm

There are two of you in this relationship, you not liking porn and he likes porn, neither one of you is right or wrong, you just both have your own opinions.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 9:05pm

I guess you have to be on the receiving end to understand. You know...being whistled at...gawked, oogled, tongues being wiggled at you(my fav), and sexual innuendo being thrown at you as you innocently go through life. Not to mention how many times it happened while they were with their wives and children. Some guys make it a job or something. ;-) I just could never figure out why it's a MUST DO. As if men are ENTITLED to such behavior.




Edited 5/5/2005 9:30 pm ET ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 10:01am

I don't think it's realistic to ask your partner to put blinders on and not notice other attractive people either, HOWEVER, there is considerable difference in that and spending inordinate amounts of time, and sometimes money, sitting in front of a tv or computer, masturbating to porn. That has absolutely nothing to do with admiring beauty. Big difference to most women.

And I'm pretty certain that quite a few men would have a problem with their wives doing that, as well.




Edited 5/6/2005 10:10 am ET ET by katmandoo2001