Love & Porn...???
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| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:15pm |
Ok everyone, I am asking first of all for all of you to put all of your personal opinions and beliefs aside for a moment and try to speak objectively for a moment.
I am madly in love with a man who is also in love with me. We plan on getting married eventually. Since we were first together we've had a lot of ups and downs but we are each other's best friend and we share everything including a love that for both of us runs very deep (we call it "movie love"). I have felt from the time I met him that I was the luckiest girl in the world but unfortunately one subject has taken away the sweetness of what our love was.
Both this man and I have been married before and we have discussed the problems of our marriages and how we dealt with those problems. One of the habits he developed (which I understood) was the use of porn because he was hardly satisfied sexually. However throughout the time we've been together we have talked about it on a few occasions.
My view - from the getgo I have told him how I did not like it and how it bothered me. I have conservative views on sex and how it is something very special shared between two people. Even while we have been together we have been experimental which I have been open to to show that I am willing to keep our intimate life exciting. I have only been with 2 other people besides him (though I have dated many people), 1 of which was my x. But he has always known (at least I believe) how sacred being intimate is to me and how I feel porn invades that intimacy.
His view - throughout our conversations since we've been together about this subject he told me why he used to use it so often in his marriage and which I have been able to sympathize with but at the same time we usually are intimate at least a couple times a week and sometimes it's just been for him...which I haven't minded doing. He had said a couple times a long time ago that he said he felt it was wrong, and another time he said that if you're really in love with someone and you have a very healthy sex life that there isn't any need for it. He also told he that if he looked at anything it was usually two people together (which kind of made me feel somewhat relieved in a weird way that he wasn't just looking at women). Recently on a few occasions I have found things on his computer (searches that pop up without really having to look) that he says his friend looked up when he was over or that he was downloading to put on a cd for a friend (which I know he was doing). However I recently used his laptop which I don't usually use and I know only he uses and I wasn't even really looking (well maybe a little) but I actually saw some sites that we had looked at like for things we wanted to do together (outdoor activities that is...!) and I thought it was sweet, but then I noticed too that he had a porn site just of women saved on it. I was so heartbroken, angry and sad that I was literally shaking.
Another factor is that even though I was shy about it he had taken pictures of me at one point and said that he wouldn't need to look at other things if he had pictures of me...
When I confronted him about it he said that he possibly even looked at something about a week ago when we had a huge discussion about it about a month ago but yet he told me he didn't realize I felt so strongly about it. I was extremely angry at the fact that throughout our relationship I know I have brought it up to know whether I was enough for him and that he didn't need that. Not only this but obviously every woman knows that her own body (esp mine after 2 children) cannot compete with these women's perfect bodies in sexual poses....I am also totally fuming because I asked him why he even took my pictures if he was going to look at that crap...his excuse was that I seemed to look nervous. He also said that it has been a bad habit and that it's one he hasn't broken completely. I said I couldn't understand when you're intimate with someone so frequently how it is you are so horny that you need to get off all the time?????!!!! Is there no such thing as self control?????
Right now I am a mixture of so many emotions - I'm SO angry because I feel like he knew how I felt about it, extremely sad and brokenhearted because I trusted what he had said about being in love, and because I felt like I put my trust in him when I have said how special it is for me to make love to him. I'm also devastated with my own self consciousness because I feel like I wasn't enough. I even feel very uncomfortable being intimate with him because I think of what these women look like compared to me... :o( All I can think of is him looking at them........The crazy thing is that on a few occasions he has been insecure about me looking or thinking of other guys but how is it that looking at naked women is ok????!!!!
The unspoken ultimatum - now because all of this blew up he has said that he didn't realize how important it was to me (which I don't get at all) but that he is willing to change it and to not do it anymore because he loves me (which I do know). Even when we've been intimate since then I feel very uncomfortable with him (which I hate because I felt so comfortable with him before) and he has admitted that he knows it will take time and that it's his fault I feel uncomfortable. (YES, it is HIS fault!) I also told him that sometimes it bothers me that some people consider cheating being only physical but how is it so different when you can be with any woman you want in your mind? I've personally never felt the way I do about him with anyone, I don't think about anyone else and am not even the slightest bit interested when people hit on me...he tells me that if he looked at women they were women that resembled me (yeah like I'm a frickin supermodel -I know I'm attractive but my body's nowhere near perfect).
Here's the situation, right now I am so confused because I know he loves me and will change it, I believe and trust that he would. However the problem lies in the fact that I thought a lot of this time I THOUGHT I could trust him and now I feel betrayed because I really believed he understood where I stood and when I would ask him I thought I could believe him that he wasn't looking elsewhere. I also don't know how to feel completely comfortable with him again though I want to very much. I'm also feeling as though my self esteem is crushed because I really feel like I wasn't good enough and don't know if I can feel as though I will be good enough (physically).
I love this man very much and am so sad that all of this has happened. I feel very lost because he's my lover and my best friend but I cannot help but feel so distanced from him even though I know how hard he wants to try. How can I erase this? I don't know if I can forget so easily....please tell me what your opinion is of how I feel and what I should do. Thanks

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I agree with you ...I NEVER whistle or make gestures..EVER.
I just quietly and discreatly take in the beauty.
I really just "notice" and appreciate. I know I'm not like "most" men stereotypically.
Edited 5/6/2005 11:10 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
My take on the issue:
1) First and foremost, porn has nothing to do with your relationship, his attraction to you or his commitment to you. It is perfectly normal and healthy for men (and women) to enjoy sexually exciting imagery.
2) That said, its perfectly reasonable and understandable for you to be uncomfortable with porn, not want to see porn, and to not be confronted with porn.
So how can one person who doesn't like porn happily co-exist with someone who does?
The answer is that they co-exist they co exist in the same way as people who have differing political views, don't like their in-laws, or who don't share the same hobbies do. If their relationship is more important than their differences, they compromise and make allowances.
You have every right not to be confronted with pornography. On the other hand, your partner has every right to enjoy
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martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!
I really want to help. If I come off sounding harsh, I don't mean it.
First, most men, and your boyfriend, look at porn. By porn, I mean pictures at a minimum. It is just the way it is. No matter how much he says he won't continue to do it, or will stop for you, he will continue to do it.
If that is something you really can't live with, end it now.
Otherwise, let it go. It will not harm him or you. If it doesn't interfere with his availability to you and performance with you, no harm done. In essence, it is his private issue, and not your right to tell him what to do with his body. What he is doing is not disrespectful to you. His lying about the subject is disrespectful. I would say he is lying to you because he knows what your reaction would be.
I hope you work it out. I might suggest you write your question to an expert on this site or a similar one (sex expert) and see what they say.
My number one concern at this point is that it still hurts me if I know he has urges and cannot wait a few hours for our benefit. Does that make sense?
Sometimes we don't want to share. Selfish, maybe. But we like our "alone-time" too.
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Awww........Luv, here ya go, an eye winking at you.
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