Love & Porn...???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Love & Porn...???
55
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:15pm

Ok everyone, I am asking first of all for all of you to put all of your personal opinions and beliefs aside for a moment and try to speak objectively for a moment.

I am madly in love with a man who is also in love with me. We plan on getting married eventually. Since we were first together we've had a lot of ups and downs but we are each other's best friend and we share everything including a love that for both of us runs very deep (we call it "movie love"). I have felt from the time I met him that I was the luckiest girl in the world but unfortunately one subject has taken away the sweetness of what our love was.

Both this man and I have been married before and we have discussed the problems of our marriages and how we dealt with those problems. One of the habits he developed (which I understood) was the use of porn because he was hardly satisfied sexually. However throughout the time we've been together we have talked about it on a few occasions.

My view - from the getgo I have told him how I did not like it and how it bothered me. I have conservative views on sex and how it is something very special shared between two people. Even while we have been together we have been experimental which I have been open to to show that I am willing to keep our intimate life exciting. I have only been with 2 other people besides him (though I have dated many people), 1 of which was my x. But he has always known (at least I believe) how sacred being intimate is to me and how I feel porn invades that intimacy.

His view - throughout our conversations since we've been together about this subject he told me why he used to use it so often in his marriage and which I have been able to sympathize with but at the same time we usually are intimate at least a couple times a week and sometimes it's just been for him...which I haven't minded doing. He had said a couple times a long time ago that he said he felt it was wrong, and another time he said that if you're really in love with someone and you have a very healthy sex life that there isn't any need for it. He also told he that if he looked at anything it was usually two people together (which kind of made me feel somewhat relieved in a weird way that he wasn't just looking at women). Recently on a few occasions I have found things on his computer (searches that pop up without really having to look) that he says his friend looked up when he was over or that he was downloading to put on a cd for a friend (which I know he was doing). However I recently used his laptop which I don't usually use and I know only he uses and I wasn't even really looking (well maybe a little) but I actually saw some sites that we had looked at like for things we wanted to do together (outdoor activities that is...!) and I thought it was sweet, but then I noticed too that he had a porn site just of women saved on it. I was so heartbroken, angry and sad that I was literally shaking.

Another factor is that even though I was shy about it he had taken pictures of me at one point and said that he wouldn't need to look at other things if he had pictures of me...

When I confronted him about it he said that he possibly even looked at something about a week ago when we had a huge discussion about it about a month ago but yet he told me he didn't realize I felt so strongly about it. I was extremely angry at the fact that throughout our relationship I know I have brought it up to know whether I was enough for him and that he didn't need that. Not only this but obviously every woman knows that her own body (esp mine after 2 children) cannot compete with these women's perfect bodies in sexual poses....I am also totally fuming because I asked him why he even took my pictures if he was going to look at that crap...his excuse was that I seemed to look nervous. He also said that it has been a bad habit and that it's one he hasn't broken completely. I said I couldn't understand when you're intimate with someone so frequently how it is you are so horny that you need to get off all the time?????!!!! Is there no such thing as self control?????

Right now I am a mixture of so many emotions - I'm SO angry because I feel like he knew how I felt about it, extremely sad and brokenhearted because I trusted what he had said about being in love, and because I felt like I put my trust in him when I have said how special it is for me to make love to him. I'm also devastated with my own self consciousness because I feel like I wasn't enough. I even feel very uncomfortable being intimate with him because I think of what these women look like compared to me... :o( All I can think of is him looking at them........The crazy thing is that on a few occasions he has been insecure about me looking or thinking of other guys but how is it that looking at naked women is ok????!!!!

The unspoken ultimatum - now because all of this blew up he has said that he didn't realize how important it was to me (which I don't get at all) but that he is willing to change it and to not do it anymore because he loves me (which I do know). Even when we've been intimate since then I feel very uncomfortable with him (which I hate because I felt so comfortable with him before) and he has admitted that he knows it will take time and that it's his fault I feel uncomfortable. (YES, it is HIS fault!) I also told him that sometimes it bothers me that some people consider cheating being only physical but how is it so different when you can be with any woman you want in your mind? I've personally never felt the way I do about him with anyone, I don't think about anyone else and am not even the slightest bit interested when people hit on me...he tells me that if he looked at women they were women that resembled me (yeah like I'm a frickin supermodel -I know I'm attractive but my body's nowhere near perfect).

Here's the situation, right now I am so confused because I know he loves me and will change it, I believe and trust that he would. However the problem lies in the fact that I thought a lot of this time I THOUGHT I could trust him and now I feel betrayed because I really believed he understood where I stood and when I would ask him I thought I could believe him that he wasn't looking elsewhere. I also don't know how to feel completely comfortable with him again though I want to very much. I'm also feeling as though my self esteem is crushed because I really feel like I wasn't good enough and don't know if I can feel as though I will be good enough (physically).

I love this man very much and am so sad that all of this has happened. I feel very lost because he's my lover and my best friend but I cannot help but feel so distanced from him even though I know how hard he wants to try. How can I erase this? I don't know if I can forget so easily....please tell me what your opinion is of how I feel and what I should do. Thanks

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 11:49am

Of course they do. But an ultimatum is not a threat, it's a last resort. Ultimatums are used to express the severity of a problem or conflict, especially when reason and communication has completely ceased between people.

What is an intervention, after all, but an ultimatum?

When every reasonable compromise or attempt at resolution has been refused or exhausted, an ultimatum is a last desperate attempt to salvage a relationship and they can and DO work when justifiably and judiciously utilized.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 4:44pm

This ultimatum is not meant to be "enforced". It does come down to him choosing between me and the porn because either I'm more important because it hurts me and it violates the sacredness of our intimacy or it's more important to him to get off to other women - let's flip a coin boys...want your screen for the rest of your life? Then take it.

Unfortunately it seems people don't realize how us women feel and that we retract when something like this comes between a couple and so it seems then men are "justified" in looking at porn? Sorry I was reading another post earlier...

I just don't understand how so many people think it's ok or just deal with it. Maybe it's my inability to compromise but expecting more of someone, just as I expect more of myself to be someone my significant other can trust and depend on and knowing that there's nothing that I want to let get between us and if I knew he felt less than what he is which is a wonderful amazing person then I would want to deal with that to let him know how much I love him. Isn't love and respect reciprocated in a relationship? I'm kind of tired of everyone saying to just "deal with it".

I don't want to feel like I'm not enough and my guy has even said that HE KNOWS how it has made me feel and that even now we are uncomfortable getting back the level of intimacy we had before and he feels bad for that - I feel RESPECTED in this way. Maybe we women should just oogle at every hot guy there is from now on cuz we're saying it's ok they do..."oh honey that guy is SO HOT" or "I could do him"...geez, wouldn't they feel as though they fall short since noone put their undiscovered self in playgirl lately....

***shaking head**** - I just don't get it, I really don't.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 6:17pm

You can't give an ultimatum like that though, unless you intend to enforce it or it's just an empty threat. And threats don't hold any weight after the 1st time they're ignored. Ultimatums must be backed up with action or they're pointless.

IF the porn use is a true deal breaker in the relationship for you, and for many women, it can be, then you need to get out.

IF this isn't something you're prepared to leave over, but you can't accept a compromise on the behavior, then you're both going to be very miserable.

Is it really worth it? When there may be a man out there who feels the same way you do? And they DO exist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 1:41pm

Actually I believe he wants to change it among other things because this past week we had a little dilemma involving drinking and he actually ignored me and went out with a friend but the next morning he was so mad at himself because he realizes there are certain things he's been letting into his life that he doesn't think are good. He brought up this subject and how he feels too like it's not right and that he wants to change a lot of his bad habits or things he has let himself fall into. He is reliable and has been there for me a lot...he even shed tears for me the other day because he feels like I don't know how much he loves me so I trust his sincerity and believe he really wants to be a better person for me. I know we all screw up, so do I but what matters is that the intention is there to change and that when you do something you've made up your mind not to, I think you learn from it if it's something you don't want (which I believe that he knows how even he feels about it and that it's not a good thing).
If something comes between us, I will know as I have sensed in the past.

Anyway, I don't even want to think about it or be reminded about it because things have been going very well for us lately and I want it to stay that way. I know where his heart lies and that's what matters - if it's a subject one person cares about and the other doesn't then it's useless but if both can agree then that's a start. People have to be able to grow together which is what relationships are about and that's what we're doing.

But thanks again everyone, really.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 4:08pm

You haven't REALLY given him an ultimatum, then, since you're still giving him an opportunity to change his ways and forgiving him when he falls short. And he definitely can adjust his behavior but it has to be because he wants to and believes what he's doing is wrong, in his heart. Not just because YOU believe it's wrong.

But, if he truly doesn't feel that porn is wrong, he may never totally give it up, even for you....do you think you can live with that? That's something you have to consider for the long term.

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