Love Worth Waiting For?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Love Worth Waiting For?
6
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 4:08am

I need some advice and I'm pretty afriad it might not be what I want to hear but here it goes anyway. Where do I begin? Ummm.. Well, not too many years ago, I lost my virginity to somebody with a girlfriend. Afterwards, he had moved away for awhile but we still kept in contact. I hadn't seen much of him in the first place but we were always keeping in touch online or by phone. Some time later, during his time away, I found out he got married. I was willing to drop everything at that point. He declined, said everything was okay. Things had gotten deeper; I fell in love with him, as I had been since losing my virginity and we had gotten together a few times and he'd cheated on his wife with me. After so long his guilt had built up and he was ready to call it quits between us, the hard way, but just ignoring it and hoping it'd all go away, cutting off all ties and considering us strictly as "friends". (This is such a long story made short - tons of details worth telling not thrown in) That didn't last too long, we are back to talking again, flirting, talking about hooking up again..(on his good days) Now I found out, he's in the middle of a divorce.

Now, first of all... Is this guy worth waiting for? I am deeply in love with this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know the phrase, "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I believe I am his only one (he's told me things which lead me to believe that). I feel like if he isn't the one for me, I won't have anyone else in my future, I want him in my future. I've been with other guys, they dont treat me with the love/respect I've received from him. I look at it maybe all this sneaking behind his wife's back, knowing the consquences, he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't meant anything to him?

Second, What do I do next? I really, really don't want to have to try to get him off my mind, because i've tried soo many times to quit him. I feel like I am too in love with him that I would regret it too much, but at the same time, it's hard on me to sit here and wait for this guy, who I'm not quite sure myself if he has any intentions of ever being with me. I ask him about a future, never on straight-forward answer and I understand, he's going through a rough time.

It's just all confusing!!
Please Help Me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 9:53am

If he'd had any feelings for you, he would have married you, not someone else. He cheated on his g/f with you (is that who he married?). Even though he got married, he told you it was "alright"? And you bought it?

I hate to break this news to you, but a guy can have sex with someone without "loving" her, or wanting to marry her. She's just something extra on the side.

Here's the most important thing you said, and it explains a LOT: "I feel like if he isn't the one for me, I won't have anyone else in my future"! What you think is love is fear and desperation. You'll accept a liar and a cheat rather than be alone!

Believe me, you'd be better off ALONE in your future than ever being with him.....because you already know he doesn't respect marriage vows, and he has no problem with cheating on a wife or girlfriend. Believe me, even though you want to think you're "special"....you're not. He TOLD you there's never been anyone else? Welll, duh, do you think he would TELL you if you were one of many? I'll bet he told his wife she was the only one, too.

You need to learn that until you respect yourself, and love yourself, no one else will respect and love you. If you're willing to take this man's crumbs, then you don't respect yourself, and there's no question that he doesn't respect you either.

You found out he's in the middle of a divorce? How did you find out? Did HE tell you?....and if he was that close to you, you'd have known LONG before it was the "middle"....you'd have known even before he filed for a divorce (or did his WIFE file for divorce, and if so, WHY?). My ex husband was a cheater, and believe me, there was more than one at a time, and I'm sure he told them ALL that they were the only one! And in the end, I divorced HIM because I was tired of his lies...and that's probably why he's getting divorced, too. Oh, by the way, he DID marry one of them, and she divorced him too!

It's not love, and even if it was.....that kind of "love" isn't worth waiting for.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 4:16pm

Short answer....No, he isn't worth waiting for. He's an opportunist.

And trust me, if he'll cheat on his wife, he'll cheat on his mistress, too. If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat ON you.

IF you were going to be part of his future, then you would be planning that future TOGETHER. There would be no guessing needed. And as dakine said, if he had wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have married someone else in the first place. He would have never been able to put you out of his mind long enough to fall in love with someone else.

Be realistic about all this. What did you have with him, really? Time, when HE wants to spend it with you and on his terms. That's no relationship. He shares what he wants to share when it will gain him some sympathy, sex, etc.

Resist the temptation to romanticize this situation, it only works in his favor and keeps you waiting on something that won't happen.

Don't waste any more of your life waiting on someone who doesn't make you the center of his world. Move on and find someone who wants to be with you and only you.

IF this guy truly loved you, he would want you to have a committed relationship with a man who would devote himself completely to you. Right now, it sounds like you're nothing more than a convenience. Sorry, if that's harsh but it's true.




Edited 8/2/2006 4:26 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 7:12am
I hate to say it but this guy probably isn't who you think he is. He's going through a divorce because he screwed up the last relationship, and who knows if he was cheatin on his wife with you AND someone else. How old are you? Do you really think that there isn't anyone else out there for you? If you think that I suggest you get out more, because there are a lot of great guys out there of all ages. And the one thing I can't stress enough is that he stopped cheating on his wife with you, and then wanted to get back with you. That means he can't stay with one person, even after a commitment of marraige
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 1:51am
Thank you so much for your input. It's really eye-opening and I just needed some back up what I already knew was true. I've asked a few friends over the years, they never knew what to say, but it really is nice to have some kind of re-inforcement to helping me do what I should be doing for myself. What I want to ask you now is, How do i go about trying to fall out of love with him? I have tried and failed so many times at trying to break things off with him, he understands the pain i have but it's so hard on my feelings to resist my feelings for him. After reading what you and dakine had said, i tried cutting it off, but it never lasts long. How can I get him out of my thoughts and heart?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:39am

Well cutting off your contact with him is important, Probably need to change your phone number or at least start screening your calls. Don't talk to him because most likely he will only want to lure you back into the relationship and make things even more difficult.

You also need a good support system, someone you know and trust who when you start feeling the urge to contact him, you can call up and count on to talk you out of it and remind you of why you don't want a man like this in your life.

I hope more people give more advise and you take what you need and taylor a plan that will work for you.

This is going to be difficult for you no matter what, even though you have been with other people, he was still your first. And it is hard to let go of someone who you gave your virginity too. Just try not to fall into the same routine again. Sometimes women (or men for that matter) who have been in bad relationships tend to be drawn into bad relationships, not because they want to be abused but because it's familiar, and familiarity FEELS safe because you don't have to learn how to deal with new emotions(I know it sounds ridiculous but I've seen it happen over and over again).

Good Luck!
-k

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 4:32pm

Well, you WILL continue to be in love with him, at least until you have found someone else. With some time and emotional distance, though, you will gain clarity and see this situation for what it was.

But anytime you remove something or someone from your life, heart & mind, it leaves a void. That void has to be filled with something or someone else.

It will take some effort on your part to keep your life full enough to resist the temptation to go back to what's familiar, comfortable but still unhealthy for you. This relationship is not beneficial to you and isn't in your best interest to continue.

Find a way to move on. Whether that's putting physical distance between you or actively dating others, take whatever steps necessary to do that. Sounds like you've put your life on hold long enough. And remember, love isn't supposed to HURT. It's supposed to make you feel empowered and secure. Learn from this and move on. It's time.