Loved but not desired - help!
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 02-16-2006 - 5:07pm |
My boyfriend of 16 months and I have enjoyed a happy relationship, we get on, as he says, 'just click' very well, we laugh together and there is trust and support and he says he still feels romantic about me and tells me he loves me often. He tells me I'm gorgeous and beautiful and he likes to hold me, touch me, cuddle me often during the day, even when we're out in public places.
BUT he told me a few days ago that he doesn't fancy me anymore. He said he can't forget how slim I used to be. When I was slim he fancied me and I had to hold him off but we didn't have sex then as I wanted to be sure of him and the relationship before i took that path. I've put on about 28lbs since we met and he is someone that doesn't fancy any girl no matter how beautiful unless she's extremely slim. We tried to make love once and I was tense after not having had a physical relationship for ten years, and I clenched up and he couldn't penetrate me, which meant he lost his erection. Since then he's wanted to 'fool around,' with me, cuddle, and he's initiated oral sex, but he starts to make love to me then pulls back saying that's enough for him.
We have no money, he's alwyas concerned about not getting into debt and I know he's worried about pregnancy. He also had issues with his body, feeling he's puny and not strong or tall enough, which isn't anywhere near true. So he told me he thought his lack of desire for me may in part be from feeling unmanly beside me now I'm bigger. I think also he may not feel very sexually secure about his own prowess in bed and is frightened of not being able to 'perform' well.
Another issue is that I used a vibrator once recently when he was at work and he seemed to feel intimidated by this. He said he wondered if he could ever give me an orgasm, or that any man could. When he's given me oral sex, I haven't climaxed merely because he didn't go on for more than a couple of minutes. So I've never in any sense climaxed wih him. I think he may feel inadequate to the job. Which, to me is absurd as i find him highly stimulating. He also knows I haven't had sex for 10 years and may be worried about tackling someone he called a 'kind of virgin.' His previous girlfriends have all been very experienced.
We love each other, he shows it often in many ways. He wants to stay together because he loves me, he says. But this has been depressing him intermittantly for 6 months before he dared to tell me, as he feared the pain I'd feel. I'm trying to understand what to do about this, resolve any underlying issues as well as lose the weight I was planning to anyhow.
We both decided to look for advice to try and sort this out for us and become truely and completely the lovers our hearts tell us we are.

Ahhh - thank you, what a kind and reassuring message. I actually did try to start telling him I desired him and flirting (am not a natural or practised flirt) a few days before he told me off this and he seemed thrilled, grinning fromm ear to ear, very happy. But then maybe he thought about it and felt frightened of failure... Either way he's convinced it's my wieght, he see's pretty slim but not thin girls in the street and says they're 'disgusting' ie fat.
I'll do just as you say, but gently, again baby steps, initiating oral sex on him maybe, he and I've discussed that and maybe see how a slow introduction to sexual play helps.
Thank you once more, your message was very encouraging.