Low Sex Drive

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
Low Sex Drive
1
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 2:12pm

Hi ladies, I’m new here *waves*. (a little background info for you) I’m 25 years old, bisexual, and suffer from depression that I see a counselor for (I’m not on any meds). I live alone, and work 40 hours a week for corporate America. I’m a recovering addict/alcoholic, and while I was very sexually active years ago, I’ve been gently coming out of a period of abstinence over the past year and a half.

I'm concerned I may have some sort of sexual dysfunction, and I'm not sure what to do about this. This is an issue whether I'm with men or with women, with the exception of one past partner. I understand sexual interest ebbs and flows due to various issues that are going on in a woman's life. I understand there is no such thing as "normal" or "ideal". But here's what I've noticed over the years about myself since I became sexually active (this applies to both penetrative sex and oral sex):

*My sexual appetite is about medium. Sometimes I want it, sometimes I don't... no concerns there.
*My sexual arousal seems quite low. Sometimes I like things rough, sometimes I like things slow and sensual, sometimes I like things gentle and hard... it varies. However, what doesn't vary is the fact that unless I have 100% constant non-stop hands-on stimulation, I lose my turned-on feelings and dry up like a creek in the Sahara. Lube works just fine, but that only makes the passageway slippery, not the whole body turned on, ya get me? It can take an hour for me to get hot, and less than 10 seconds for me to be ice cold, and regardless, I just don't get AND stay wet.
*I have a VERY hard time reaching orgasm. During masturbation I reach it about 95% of the time when that's my intent, whereas sex I almost NEVER get there whether I want to or not. I know that not all sex is necessarily tied to an orgasm, I can enjoy it without one... but it'd be nice to have one more often than 1 out of 50 times. Touching myself during sex doesn't help most of the time, having my partner touch me in varying ways doesn't help most of the time, fantasizing doesn't help... I feel like I'm orgasmically frigid.
*Mental Blocks - it's tough for me to find the "right" words to relate to my partners that I'm very much into sensuality and intense sensations. I try to say it just like that, and explain that while sex is great, I'm not always interested in the goal, but more the journey along the way... but it seems as though we're sometimes speaking 2 different languages and living in 2 different worlds. I sometimes, well OK a lot of the time, worry that either my partner is putting too much emphasis on sex and sexual activity (then I feel used and objectified), or that I'm not putting enough emphasis on it myself (then I feel I'm neglecting and ignoring them).

I consider myself pretty open to experimentation sexually. I know what I like, what I don't like, and I can be either very subtle and tactful or blunt and direct when explaining those things to my partner, and enjoy playing around to discover what works for us both together. I haven't been in a committed relationship in years, but am considering one with the current man I'm dating. I'm concerned that we may run into problems as we get more intimate from mismatched hopes and expectations sexually, and I feel like the problem is more mine than anything.

Does anyone have any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
In reply to: renobigal
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 4:37pm
Depression, with or without drugs......can be death to libido. Continue to work on that.