low sexual self esteem

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
low sexual self esteem
16
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 1:59pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We live together in a small house with his three children and my three children. Because of the children we have not shared a bedroom but are adding on to the house and are now preparing the children for our "move in together". He is a great man. I love him with all my heart. The first two years of living under the same roof were sooooooooooooo sexually satisfying. Every night or every other night. He gave me loads of attention and I him. Then the kids started getting older and it became harder to be together. (all of our kids had such issues due to nasty divorces that we felt it was not a good idea to share a bedroom until they were older and could understand better, but we did have our needs of course.) Then there were two years of less intimacy but it was still there and exciting. The last year has been full of changes. I am not sure what though. The kids are always an issue and it causes frustrations beyond control sometimes. I had what I felt was a good self esteem when I met my bf. Now, since I have seen the websites and movie clip downloads that he views I have the lowest self esteem I think a person could have. His son tells me that when they are out and see a pretty woman he says "now that is what I am talking about". I worry that I don't please him physically. I am 45 and he is 41. I am 5 feet 3 inches and weigh 110, my friends tell me I have nothing to worry about but I can not understand if a man is as in love as my bf says he is with me why would he look somewhere else? I know the man thing about them being visual and all but what do we women do? It hurts and when I talk to him about it he gets defensive and says "its a man thing we all do it and it doesn't mean I don't love you", well that is fine but it doesn't make me feel very attractive when he is viewing women naked with gorgeous bodies!! I have tried to get over this feeling. I can't seem to cope with it and I just do not know what else to do. I don't say anything to him anymore and I never go on his computer!! (too scared!!) Any advice would be appreciated. I want him to be happy, but I want to feel confident in our relationship that he loves me and wants my body not what he sees on the internet or movies.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 2:47pm

This may be a long shot, but do you ever fantasize about someone else while masturbating? A movie star or someone you know or even faceless people? Does that effect how you feel about your SO? Do you compare him to them? Isn't he(your SO) the best thing since...the invention of the washing machine? ;-)

As for yourself, you have to realize that you're the best. You're unique and there's only one of you. Believe that and nothing could have an effect on your self-esteem. Be the best, and you'll feel the best!

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 1:09am

Have you NEVER noticed a nice looking man somewhere.....and thought to yourself, "he's really good looking"? Did you automatically want to have sex with him? Of course not. Did it make you wish you could have him instead of your b/f? Of course not. So why do you automatically assume that because he looks at other women, either on the street, or on the computer....that he wants them, not you?

If you love yourself, then you will have self esteem. Your self esteem doesn't come from him, it comes from within you. If you allow this kind of fear to pervade your life, then you're allowing it to happen.

If you don't like him looking at porn, then tell him. If he cares about your feelings, then he'll stop looking. And guess what, if and when a man cheats on you, it has nothing to do with how you look or how much you weigh. Men have been known to leave beautiful sexy women for older, heavier, and not very attractive women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:27am

Did he tell you he rather have someone that looks like the women on the internet instead of you?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:27am
I agree with GTB. If you don't like him looking at porn, ask him to stop. And if you feel that you two can compromise, then maybe he could look at it in private it but keep it hidden. I imagine that the living situation doesn't allow for much time to engage in sexual activities. That would make one very frustrated in a sexual sense. Its probably why he looks at porn.
As for seeing a pretty woman, isn't it human nature to notice beauty? Men notice, women notice. I had a neighbor that I told my DH was what you'd call "Far-Away Pretty." From far-away he good looking. Once he got close, that was that. And, I told my DH that he was what I called "All the Time Pretty." He's pretty all the time, far away and near. Its just natural to admire beauty. It doesn't mean he admires you any less. You're reading into that. Buy some lingerie and dance around your room in it. Only you can make yourself feel good.
Why don't you just talk to him about how you're feeling? Maybe a good, honest dialog will help? Again, I think alot of things has to do with the sexual frustration that must be going on only until the new room gets added to the house. I wish you luck with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:37am

I should probably elaborate a little on "hidden"-I mean keep the porn hidden in a sense that the kids can't find it on the computer and its not in plain sight where it might bother you. That probably won't work because you'll know its there. And you'll still compare yourself to those fake-breasted women. But, its up to you.

Beauty comes from within. Self-esteem comes from within. You choose whether you feel a certain way or not. Its like I tell my DD, "Only you can choose your behavior. I can't do it for you. You're responsible for you and nobody else can tell you how to act, think, or feel. You decide that." The same applies for adults. You choose how to act. You choose how to feel. You choose how to think. You choose how to think and feel about yourself. Why compare yourself to women that aren't that beautiful anyway? I'm sure that you're just as beautiful as any of those porn queens if not more so..Have you seen Anna Nicole Smith(not a porn star, but close)? She's not what I call beautiful. A beautiful man to me is an intelligent man with an amazing sense of humor and the ability to give himself completely, and who can make mistakes and admit it, and who has flaws like me. That's beauty, IMO. I notice another man, but I'm comparing him to DH. I'm going to measure him against DH and find him lacking because nobody is to me what DH is. It's natural to do it. I know that DH might see a pretty woman. And while I might be threatened by it, I know that they won't measure up to what I am to him. Its up to you whether you feel good or not. Don't compare yourself to something fake or anything at all! You're you and you're beautiful. That's that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 12:13pm
Everything you all have said is true. I realize that. I really don't know what happened to my self esteem when I moved in with him. I know he had alot of one nighters before me, inbetween his divorce and me. I long to be closer to him and I guess sometimes I get carried away with my emotions. You are also right about self esteem being a person's choice but isn't it true that people effect people? If you have someone that says they love you but you find these sites he has viewed, movie clips that he has downloaded, even pictures that he has saved on his computer and renamed the file wouldn't you wonder if something were just not right? Actually, I found alot more when I first moved in with him when sex was every night than I do now when sex is like once every week or week and a half. We were watching a movie together one night and he was very relaxed and into the story. When the sex scene came on, which was pretty technical, he sat at the edge of his seat and got closer to the T.V. and farther away from me, like he was so into it. I was totally stunned that the scene made him sit up so! Was I wrong in feeling devastated? After the movie was over, which the sex scene was at the end, he went outside and smoked a ciggarette. I was confused. What did that do to him? Why was he all of a sudden quiet and wanting to be alone? We have had discussions on porn, first he said if it upset me so he would stop but he didn't, the next time he swore on the bible he wouldn't do it any more and then after that it just caused arguements so I just never mention it any more. I agree with the person that said if he respects you he won't do it or at least hide it and he tells me he respects my feelings. I know men will view things from time to time as well as women but I guess my question is, why sit and get excited from someone who is air brushed and fake when you have a partner that is willing to do just about anything to satify you? I have even considered taking lesson's in erotic dancing to surprise him. I also worry about the kids when they are on the computer. His son has seen him looking a things when he gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. His daughter has found sites on his history, told her mom and mom caused a big issue on custody because of his influence so to say. I think porn is fine for consenting adults that enjoy it together, but when one is hurt by it, shouldn't the SO consider feelings and respect and if they don't is that a good enough reason to end a relationship. I haven't thought so, I am still here with him and beleive me, I try really hard to let it alone and let it go. That is why I am on a message board. Just letting my feelings out makes me feel somewhat better. And hearing all the advise helps too. Thank you all!!
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 11:46am
IMO, if you are married or in a committed relationship and something you're doing is causing your partner anxiety or pain, then it should be discussed and reconsidered. IF your partner is your top priority that is. I can't imagine continuing to do something that would affect my DH that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 2:46pm
Hi this is the first time i have come to a message board. How can one increase their sexual self esteem? I have been with my bf for almost 11 years and want to recapture that old time feeling. I think that by looking at the "perfect" women that you see on the internet and elsewhere it makes me look that much worse. I am 43 and he is 40 so i'm no spring chicken. I have had 4 children, one of which is his so some things will never be the same. It makes me feel embarrassed because i will never look like that again. How can someone like me be a turn-on after looking at them? thanks for listening. nancy
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 3:55pm

Hi Nancy!

Well, I have a few years on you so I can understand your feelings about growing older. I think we all, men and women, go through some adjustment when it comes to growing older in a society that only seems to promote youth and beauty as the ideals.

But with age comes wisdom, and we realize that the beauty within is what counts and what shows on the outside. Confidence combined with a fun-loving attitude is VERY sexy to men and if a woman has those qualities in spades, it matters not what the package looks like.

I would suggest that you exercise and stay active, maintain a healthy diet, have fun and forget about trying to stop the clock. Making the most of every day is the key.

My DH says that I'm sexier now than when we first married 28 yrs. ago because I know what I like in bed and I'm open to new things. Stop comparing yourself to others and become a better YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:15pm
Hi katmandoo
Thanks for taking the time to reply. I know i'm not that old but i can't compete with the younger girls who are so free with themselves. I guess i shouldn't think that way but Rome wasn't built in a day. I have read alot of messages and have learned alot from them. I think maybe it's the confidence thing. I don't have much of that. I am going to work on it though. I'm also a little jealous which doesn't help much. i have been doing a good job of keeping that to myself and am very proud of that accomplishment. What kind of things can help me build confidence, if anyone has any ideas please let me know. Thanks Nancy

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