low sexual self esteem

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
low sexual self esteem
16
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 1:59pm
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We live together in a small house with his three children and my three children. Because of the children we have not shared a bedroom but are adding on to the house and are now preparing the children for our "move in together". He is a great man. I love him with all my heart. The first two years of living under the same roof were sooooooooooooo sexually satisfying. Every night or every other night. He gave me loads of attention and I him. Then the kids started getting older and it became harder to be together. (all of our kids had such issues due to nasty divorces that we felt it was not a good idea to share a bedroom until they were older and could understand better, but we did have our needs of course.) Then there were two years of less intimacy but it was still there and exciting. The last year has been full of changes. I am not sure what though. The kids are always an issue and it causes frustrations beyond control sometimes. I had what I felt was a good self esteem when I met my bf. Now, since I have seen the websites and movie clip downloads that he views I have the lowest self esteem I think a person could have. His son tells me that when they are out and see a pretty woman he says "now that is what I am talking about". I worry that I don't please him physically. I am 45 and he is 41. I am 5 feet 3 inches and weigh 110, my friends tell me I have nothing to worry about but I can not understand if a man is as in love as my bf says he is with me why would he look somewhere else? I know the man thing about them being visual and all but what do we women do? It hurts and when I talk to him about it he gets defensive and says "its a man thing we all do it and it doesn't mean I don't love you", well that is fine but it doesn't make me feel very attractive when he is viewing women naked with gorgeous bodies!! I have tried to get over this feeling. I can't seem to cope with it and I just do not know what else to do. I don't say anything to him anymore and I never go on his computer!! (too scared!!) Any advice would be appreciated. I want him to be happy, but I want to feel confident in our relationship that he loves me and wants my body not what he sees on the internet or movies.

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 8:28pm

Are you supposed to compete with younger women? I didn't think we should have to compete with anyone if we're married! Didn't we win the man we wanted after the wedding? LOL!

Remind yourself that your DH is getting older right along with you so he's likely feeling some anxiety about that, too!

What do you do well? What makes you feel good about yourself?

Exercise, making myself an equal priority and being creative make me feel good but it will be something different for each person.

IF you don't have a positive body image, then work on improving tone with free weights. If you're carrying too much weight, then run, jog or get on the treadmill.

Nothing will slow the clock but you can do a LOT to change the way you feel about yourself and your age. Only you know what those things are though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:15pm

Dear Nezeeann,

I'm sorry that you're feeling sad now, but remember that all emotions are designed to help us get needs met.

Men are visual creatures (as you said) and women tend to be more cerebral when it comes to their sexuality. You situation is very typical, in fact if you do a search on these very websites, you will find that your concern about being compared to some "airbrushed internet porn star" is incredibly common.

Let me start by saying that men don't compare their women to photos or movies, etc. You are a flesh and blood, loving, sexy woman that they cherish. Men look at photos, women tend to like written erotica or even a romance novel. If you have ever read a romance novel and become aroused, or excited or fealt passion of love, it's because you were into the fantasy...it was fun. BUt, when you finished the book, you closed it. You don't finish the romance novel and think: "Geez, if my boyfriend were just a pirate or a highlander or (fill in the blank)..." Nope...you close the book and it's over. Guys do the same with porn or SPorts Illustrated Swimsuit addition. It's a fantasy and it's over.

The problem that most of us have is that we personalize so many things that our partners do. When in fact what they do or think or see has nothing to do with us at all. I would go as far as to say that nothing anyone does has anyting to do with the other...only themselves.

Your example of watching the movie and the sex scene was interesting. Read through it again and notice that all of the things that you thought were going through his mind were simply your thoughts not his...you made assumptions based on every action he took, when those action, literally could have meant ANYTHING. Making assumptions always leads to problems. Either let it go, or ask him what it means.

Good luck in all of this and remember that all things pass. This too shall pass.

Love,
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:19pm

One more thing I wanted add to my last post. We have no control over what we are attracted to...we only have control over what we DO with the attraction that says how much love and commitment we feel for our partners.

Peace.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 1:40pm
WOW!!! You sound like a guy that has some compassion. That isn't easy to find these days. Actually I am trying very hard to accept what my bf does. It never bothered me with my ex husband or any man I dated prior to my marriage. Just with my bf. I have walked in on him watching some pretty explict video clips on his computer and could not help but feel gross. I have seen some pictures that he has downloaded and saved of playboy playmates that were so beautiful I felt so ugly. He tells me he thinks I am beautiful but my feelings were just so low. I don't check his computer and I try not get nervous or angry or jealous when there is a naked women in view and if I get those feelings I do my best to hide them. I try to let him have his freedom. I myself feel that if you have someone you love and respect the need to view porn or naked pictures shouldn't be there, and if it is there is something causing it. Like maybe he gets turned on by what he sees and when we are making love he closes his eyes and it isn't me that he is having sex with. I know, I have heard all the advise on letting this go and I have talked to him about my feelings, he used to promise me he wouldn't do it any more now he just gets mad so I have just shut up about it but the feelings are still there and it is hard to be in a relationship and feel good about things when you can't feel good about yourself. I am working on building my self esteem and believing that it's my fault not his. I guess I am not normal. I may see a nice looking man but I have never stared nor do I look online. I am perfectly happy with the way my bf looks and to me he is sexy and the most handsome man around becaus I love him. He himself is unhappy with his looks, he says he has a big gut and is getting old. I see a handsome man! I tell him all the time, I guess it is just hard to keep thinking of the difference in men and women. I have to admit, if he did more to prove his love, and I am not talking spending money or taking me somewhere, I mean in his actions then I would feel more confident and maybe it wouldn't bother me so.
Thank you for your words, I do appreciate your taking the time to reply. It is nice to know there are men out there that are sensitive to a woman's feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 5:44pm

Nezeeann,

Your feelings are not your "fault". Fault, to me implies that there is something wrong with the feelings. However, our feelings are our responsibility which just means that we are the only ones that have ability to respond to them. Don't hide or repress your feelings because it is EXTREMELY unhealthy for you, your body and your relationship. Allow yourself to feel what you feel without judging it. I hope you did not get the impression from my post that I thought that you should "not" have those feelings. The feelings are perfectly okay and perfectly normal.

Also, if his porn use brings up feelings of sadness and depression for you, then his use of porn is CLEARLY outside your boundries. Healthy people have healthy boundries and healthy people know what those boundries are. Your feelings are telling you that his use of porn is outside your boundries. Make it clear to him that you are uncomfortable with his use of porn and that he made an agreement not to use it in your presense. Not because he is "bad" or "wrong" but because it brings up feelings and thoughts that are damaging to your relationship. Tell him that you have a need for honesty and that you have a need to trust him completely. When he uses porn while you are present you have a difficult time trusting him because he broke an agreement.

At the same time, if you think you can handle it, let him know that his private time is is his private time. If he has a desire to masturbate to porn than he should do it when alone etc. Masturbation, by the way, is completely different than sex with a partner and serves different needs. It has nothing to do with the attractiveness of the partner nor in most cases does it have to do with how much sex the person gets...it is simply part of human sexuality. If you tell him that it's not okay and that it's bad for him to have an interest in porn, then it will become taboo and all the more irresistable.

It is my belief that repression of desire is the root of all evil acts. Acceptance of your feelings, your desires and your aversions (without neccessarily acting on them) is healing and loosens the hold that they have. So accept your feelings, respect your boundries and allow him to do the same. Relationship is always about compromise and if you are both willing to do that you will both get your needs met, sexual or otherwise.

Good luck.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 6:19pm

"Actually, I found alot more when I first moved in with him when sex was every night than I do now when sex is like once every week or week and a half."

Since your sex life is dwindling, do you feel that he's slighting you in favor of porn and masturbation? If so, have you talked to him about it? I know that I would, if I wanted more sex and he preferred to look at porn and masturbate.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )

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