male ejaculation required for pleasure??

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Registered: 06-19-2006
male ejaculation required for pleasure??
26
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 1:10am

I am in a new relationship and things are most excellent with my guy both in and out of the bedroom. He had a very stressful week on his job and when we were together last night I initiated sex. He got me to an orgasm and then he pulled out and we rested for a bit... he then brought me to orgasm again by fingering me... but, when I suggested that we resume sex because I wanted him to orgasm also he replied that he was simply too exhausted.

Now... I am NOT complaining here. Keep in mind that my exhusband and exboyfriends were NEVER that concerned about my pleasure. They got theirs and good luck to the rest. That is why they are ex's. But, since this situation was a new one on me.... my question is do males require ejaculation for sexual pleasure or is the sexual act enough during a time of stress and exhaustion. Or is this scenario just more frsutartaing for him and he is more of a saint than I even figured???

Help me here because I enjoy having my partner reach satisfaction also and I want to know where to go from here as this guy is a keeper in my book!

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Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:27pm

>>"Would men have sex at all if they knew there'd be no orgasm?" What say you?..... ;-)<<

Me say "I think that masturbation would become my new best friend".

Sex would still be nice without an orgasm - the intimacy and all, but.... I dunno. I'm pretty sure that it'd loose a lot of it's appeal for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 6:21am

You cheated! ;-)

In order for it to be a fair question, masturbation would have to have the same result...of course. There'd be no orgasm. Just the feelings of lust and then nothing.

You would not only be left with intimacy, but the feelings of "lust" and all of the great sensations of sex itself. I guess your answer reflects this: (at least if I'm understanding you correctly) If you had the choice between my scenario and sex being about immediate orgasm, I'd guess you'd choose the latter. And the sooner the better -- because after all it completes and satisfies the act. The That would explain a lot! ;-)

I wonder if your answer is typical: "...intimacy and all...." is "nice?" but...

Thanks for answering? Anyone else?....

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
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Registered: 12-29-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 7:11am

"Would men have sex at all if they knew there'd be no orgasm?" What say you?..... ;-)

You asked, rain dancer.

I guess I'm rather unusual among men (though somewhat like the OP's BF) in that I don't always orgasm. My wife always orgasms very easily, quickly, and repeatedly. It has always been this way , though it has become more frequent recently. Basically our love life focuses much more on her and her pleasure and I enjoy very much sharing in her pleasure. I need to explain that it always takes me 15 minutes or more to orgasm, and DW can orgasm within five minutes. Many of our sessions are "quickies" where we know there isn't time for me, but we want a quick "cuddle" (w/ orgasm for her). I enjoy these a lot because of the intimacy and sharing in her pleasure. These sessions typically involve embracing and kissing and digital for her.

When we have more time we have intercourse, which is our favorite. Usually I expect to orgasm, but sometimes it doesn't happen, and I can never be sure ahead of time whether I will or not. There are times when I'm fairly certain I won't, but I very much enjoy the pleasure I have and the shared pleasure of her orgasms. Actually sometimes these sessions can be very enjoyable because I don't have the pressure of expectations for my own orgasm.

So, in answer to your question, if there were NO orgasm at all, I wouldn't be very interested, but then if neither partner orgasms , are you really having sex? As long as one of you orgasms , it is definitely worthwhile and enjoyable. In our case it's DW who is guaranteed to always orgasm, so I definitely enjoy having sex with her.

taoist

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Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:17am

" but then if neither partner orgasms , are you really having sex?" No, it's a new and interesting type of exercise routine! ???????? So, the next time my partner has a problem (tell me a man who DOESN'T occasionally), and I don't have an orgasm (rare, but it does happen), I'll tell him we really didn't have sex??

That's about as ludicrous as wondering if a tree falls down in the forest, but no one is there to hear the sound, is there really a sound? WHO CARES, the tree fell down!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:45am

The typical "Male-centric" point of view is that orgasm is the reason of sex, so many men wouldn't bother without it. IMO, the goal of sex is pleasure, with or without orgasm. Arousal is pleasurable in and of itself.

Sometimes, it's actually better to delay orgasm over a period of time than force a piddly weak one. Particularly, if you are used to regular orgasms from regular sex. Remember what dating as a teenager was like? Exquisite orgasms because you often had to delay gratification.




Edited 6/21/2006 11:53 am ET by katmandoo2001
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Registered: 12-29-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:18pm

"Sometimes, it's actually better to delay orgasm over a period of time than force a piddly weak one. Particularly, if you are used to regular orgasms from regular sex. Remember what dating as a teenager was like? Exquisite orgasms because you often had to delay gratification."

I have never understood this point of view. "It's better to delay". "One strong one is better than several weak ones". "Quality over quantity".

I don't find that delaying, or doing it less, or holding back improves the sexual experience or the orgasm for me at all, and it doesn't for DW, either. When she orgasms , she orgasms, she can't ( and doesn't want to)delay it or hold it back. She has multiple orgasms and there is no trade-off of quality for quantity. She can't make them stronger by having fewer. She doesn't necessarily prefer stronger ones anyway. Having orgasms every day does not lessen the pleasure for her or me. Sure, I suppose if we didn't make love for a week, our first session would seem really good, but that's only because we had deprived ourselves. It's like going without food for a long time. Your first meal tastes really great, but does that make up for starving yourself?

Besides, it's the connection, intimacy, and shared pleasure that is more important.

taoist

Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 1:05pm

I think you're missing my point. I'm not saying that you should frustrate one another in hopes of producing better orgasms. Much less that getting right to the point of orgasm in a session and then holding back or stopping is better.

I'm saying that the slow process of building intensity over time is pleasurable. Time as in hours or days until you actually get to make love and orgasm. Or not. It's exquisite torture. There's a reason why those prolonged sessions are more memorable though.

Kissing, light petting, yes, but not to the point of almost engaging in sex. Teasing and playing with that desire over a period of time is what makes for great orgasms, IMO. The longer the arousal, the better the orgasm. Building anticipation heightens your senses. My DH and I both enjoy drawing out the process of building to orgasm and we both have volcanic ones by doing this. The quality is definitely better and much more satisfying, emotionally & physically.

Sensuality and sex are not the same. Sensuality is not about racing toward orgasm. It's about taking your time & giving & taking pleasure, pure and simple. Unfortunately, tried & true routines get established very easily and sensuality is often replaced with efficiency. Quick, efficient orgasms have their place but I guess it depends on whether you want a workman or an artist-type attitude in the bedroom. While I am also multi-orgasmic, I still prefer quality over quantity any time.




Edited 6/21/2006 1:55 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 6:55pm

Hi Taoist...

I don't know if it's me, but your last paragraph seems to be off compared to the other two. In the first two, it sounds as though you have sex with your wife without orgasms being necessary, and then in your last paragraph you say that you wouldn't be very interested in sex if there weren't any.

I didn't quite understand what you meant by at least one partner having an orgasm making it worth while. My question was more of what if that's all there was; just whatever you two do together, without either of you ever orgasming. Would that make it any less enjoyable? Would you not engage at all? From what I gathered from your last paragraph that was pretty much your answer. I have to say that I'm quite surprised at how you responded. In any event, the first part of your post doesn't seem to sum up the last--they even seem contradictory.

Thanks for responding. Good to see you. ;-)

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 7:42pm

Taoist...

I may be wrong, but isn't the taoist/tantra sex about delaying gratification? About sex being more about spirituality than a physical experience?

"I have never understood this point of view. "It's better to delay". "One strong one is better than several weak ones". "Quality over quantity"."

"I don't find that delaying, or doing it less, or holding back improves the sexual experience or the orgasm for me at all, and it doesn't for DW, either. When she orgasms , she orgasms, she can't ( and doesn't want to)delay it or hold it back. She has multiple orgasms and there is no trade-off of quality for quantity. She can't make them stronger by having fewer. She doesn't necessarily prefer stronger ones anyway. Having orgasms every day does not lessen the pleasure for her or me. Sure, I suppose if we didn't make love for a week, our first session would seem really good, but that's only because we had deprived ourselves. It's like going without food for a long time. Your first meal tastes really great, but does that make up for starving yourself?"

Not all orgasms are created equal for me. They are mostly powerful; but can also range from a few short-shallow spasms to something average. However, there are those orgasms that are absolutely extreme. I've had some where there was some type of rush felt from the bottom of my feet all the way up my legs, arms and head at the point of no return. I've had orgasms wherein the spasms seem to go on forever (felt like thirty seconds), and were just the most gratifying experience. It seems that these occur when I've not only done without sex for a while, but also when I'm "teased" by delayed gratification. I have even had mental orgasms (with no physical stimulation), simply from being teased to such an extent. I don't think it's so much like starving yourself, as it is more akin to building up an appetite to the point where your mouth waters. When my husband gives me a sexual body massage where we're both naked and we use lots of baby oil it just teases my body to no end. I have to wait until he's done with the whole thing (which takes about 30 minutes) until I can actually get stimulated (although he does sometimes cheat... ;-) but just a few licks here and there, or a taste for a second, or a little bit of head inside). My body just goes into overdrive. It's the reason why I know that the mind is the most powerful sexual organ... ;-). It's weird, because you would think that immediately going straight for the physical contact would work better, right? Not for me. If was at the same starting point, him diving straight into oral wouldn't necessarily make as aroused as I get with the same amount of mental torture. Prolonged sex (over time) can have the same effect. I remain perpetually aroused (although it may wane somewhat) and cannot stop thinking about sex and by the time we get to it, the build-up is so great, that the orgasm is usually incredible.

"Besides, it's the connection, intimacy, and shared pleasure that is more important."

This is why I didn't understand your other post. You still can acquire all of that sans orgasms. I went years before having an orgasm with a partner. Should I have lost interest in sex because of it? After having sex for over thirty years, I still do not know going in if I'm guaranteed one or not. Does anyone really know for sure? I just cannot fathom someone not wanting to experience all that sex has to offer if there was no imminent orgasm.

You learn something new every day.... ;-)

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 5:50pm

Raindancer,

Sorry that it took a while to reply to your posts, but I knew it would take some time and we’ve been busy.

“I don't know if it's me, but your last paragraph seems to be off compared to the other two. In the first two, it sounds as though you have sex with your wife without orgasms being necessary,”

She has orgasms, I don’t always. In fact, when our time is limited the focus is solely on stimulating her (digital) because she can orgasm very quickly and I can’t.

“ and then in your last paragraph you say that you wouldn't be very interested in sex if there weren't any. “

If NEITHER of us had an orgasm, it would certainly be less interesting. We would just be “snuggling” , caressing, kissing etc. and we frequently do this. Maybe the confusion lies with the fact that with my wife, once I start caressing or stimulating her genitals, she always orgasms. When we “snuggle” , I specifically don’t touch her there because she doesn’t want to orgasm at that time.

“I didn't quite understand what you meant by at least one partner having an orgasm making it worth while.”

Obviously, this is the situation with most couples. The man orgasms, the woman doesn’t always. This is certainly worthwhile. My wife and I just reverse those roles. She always orgasms, I don’t. It’s definitely worthwhile.

“ My question was more of what if that's all there was; just whatever you two do together, without either of you ever orgasming.”

This is entirely hypothetical for us. Even for others, wouldn’t it be rare that neither partner orgasmed?

“Would that make it any less enjoyable? Would you not engage at all?”

If neither partner EVER orgasmed , don’t you think it would be less enjoyable? And that interest in sex would certainly be diminished. There are situations where the woman never orgasms. We hear about these frequently. In these situations it is very understandable that the woman would be less interested in sex.

“I have to say that I'm quite surprised at how you responded. In any event, the first part of your post doesn't seem to sum up the last--they even seem contradictory.”

I hope that now you understand and that I am no longer contradictory.

“I may be wrong, but isn't the taoist/tantra sex about delaying gratification? About sex being more about spirituality than a physical experience?”

I can’t really speak for Tantric, but Taoist sexuality isn’t about delaying gratification, it’s about the male delaying ejaculation and learning to orgasm without ejaculating. The two are not the same. I am not an expert on Taoist sexuality by any means, and you can actually learn the techniques without getting into the spirituality or philosophy. The other aspect of Taoist sexuality is a big focus on the female being satisfied. This requires the male to pay a lot of attention to what pleasures and satisfies the female. Sharing in your partner’s pleasure is also a big part of it. Taoist sexuality combines the spiritual and the physical.

“Not all orgasms are created equal for me. They are mostly powerful; but can also range from a few short-shallow spasms to something average. However, there are those orgasms that are absolutely extreme.”
“It seems that these occur when I've not only done without sex for a while, but also when I'm "teased" by delayed gratification.”

I guess everybody’s different. DW experiences a wide variety of orgasms, too. Going without, teasing, and delaying have nothing to do with this. As I mentioned before, I only stimulate her genitals when she is ready and desires it. Otherwise we just “snuggle”. Given that she is ready and willing, she always orgasms in less than five minutes and always has multiples unless we stop. On a few VERY rare occasions I have started to stimulate her when she really wasn’t “in the mood”. Within a minute or two, she will know that it isn’t going to happen and she tells me, and we stop the session and go to just snuggling.
.
” You still can acquire all of that( connection, intimacy, and shared pleasure) sans orgasms.”

Sure you can, but it’s even better with orgasm.

”After having sex for over thirty years, I still do not know going in if I'm guaranteed one or not. Does anyone really know for sure?”

I know it sounds impossible to believe, but my wife does.

“ I just cannot fathom someone not wanting to experience all that sex has to offer if there was no imminent orgasm.”

I agree with you because that’s the situation for ME , not my wife. Sometimes we know we don’t have time for me, and I just stimulate her. I’m not going to orgasm, she is. We thoroughly enjoy this. Sometimes we have more time and have intercourse, but I know I’m probably not going to orgasm, she is. I thoroughly enjoy this. Sometimes I know it’s possible or even probable that I will orgasm (she will,too). This is the best possible scenario.

taoist