Male vs Female - Trust - Insecure
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Male vs Female - Trust - Insecure
| Fri, 12-24-2004 - 12:13pm |
Why do *some* women seem to lack trust in their partner, are insecure, jealous, seem to punish to a degree their partner by not having complete trust and faith in him


I used to, but it was an insecure, jealous younger me. Face it, when you're 18, you're immature and insecure, married or not - at least I was. And I don't think it was anything out of the ordinary, I just had to learn to trust him. I didn't do outrageous things to try to 'catch' him, I just was worried that I wouldn't be enough for him.
And I also know that he has been terribly jealous at times. When I was working with certain men for example. I've never given him a reason not to trust me, never ever. But it still came out from time to time. There have been so many nights that he was working, he used to worry that he was leaving me home alone 'too much' (like I'd have the time or energy back then, with 2 small children at home to care for!) He had to learn trust.
I learned to trust too. I don't think any marriage or relationship is completely and 100% affair-proof. Just about anyone can be flattered by the attention of someone of the opposite sex, especially if you've hit a rough spot in your marriage. It doesn't even have to be the femme fatale, it can be the rather ordinary looking woman or man in the office who is there to listen and advise and console. Many affairs start that way.
I don't think DH would cheat on me. Because I don't think he would do it to himself, I think he has higher standards and wouldn't let himself down that way. But I am also aware that the potential is out there, in many forms. And so I won't let myself get in the habit of taking him for granted.
Edited 12/24/2004 11:33 pm ET ET by tally33
I don't think it's a male/female issue at all. Since this it mostly a "female" board, we read about females not trusting their partner a lot, but we also read over and over......why won't he commit....he was hurt in the past, his ex wife cheated on him, etc.
Probably in a certain percentage of those stories, it's just the guy's "excuse" for not making a commitment....it's a lot easier for them to say "I was hurt" than it is for them to say "I'm just not that into you". But, for many guys, it's true. They were hurt, they don't "trust" the next person to come along, either.
So, it's not male/female....it's just human. The lack of trust, and jealousy are very similar emotions. An insecure person finds it hard to trust, and will be jealous. A person who has been in a relationship where the partner HAS cheated, or lied in some way will come away with some insecurity, that too is human. And that's why it's good NOT to immediately jump into a new relationship. It takes time to get over being hurt, abused, used, controlled, or whatever. A well adjusted person will not assume that because ONE person hurt them, or cheated on them, that every person thereafter will do the same.
Some people are insecure long before anyone does them any harm. That's their own problem, that has nothing to do with their partner. But that insecurity is what attracts a certain type of person who WILL abuse them in some way. It's a known fact that this type of person will repeatedly pick a partner who will "use" their insecurities. Women (or men) who are married to or in a relationship with an abuser....if they have the strength to get out of that relationship, will choose the same type of person the next time, too. It "feeds" their insecurities. This is the type of person who will "defend" the abuser. "Yes, he treats me like dirt sometimes, but other times he's REALLY nice, and tells me how much he loves me!" Or, "He's been hurt in the past, I don't want to hurt him by leaving him". That's just an excuse, and a way of saying, "I'm worthless, and this is all I deserve".
I was married to a man for 20 years, who was extremely jealous of me...for no reason. I was madly in love with him, and never even looked at another man. What I didn't understand at that time, because I was so young and inexperienced, was that he was (and still is) a terribly insecure person. In my young mind, when I decided to marry him, I thought his insecurity was "shyness". What I also didn't realize for several years was that he was cheating on me from the beginning of our marriage....because he needed to....to make himself feel like more of a man. That's not an excuse, but it is a reason. I finally figured that out, and I mistakenly thought that he'd "get it out of his system"....because we were young when we married, and he'd never even dated before me. That's why I stayed in that marriage so long....because I thought eventually, he'd "grow up". That never happened, and finally, I couldn't take it any more.
I didn't move on to other relationships ASSUMING they would cheat on me too. And, except for one relationship, they didn't. The one that DID cheat on me, when I started analyzing him, was also very insecure, but he hid it well, and I didn't pick up on it for a while.
So, again, I have to say that I don't think it's a male/female thing...it's just the way some people of both sexes think and feel, about themselves, more than anything else. There's a post on one of these boards from a woman who's b/f had to stay at a female co-worker's home overnight because of terrible road conditions. She was immediately "uncomfortable" with that arrangement. Why? Because after several posts, it came out that an "ex" had cheated on her. She denied it was a "trust" issue, but of course that's exactly what it was. But, there are many men who would react the same way! I can just imagine what my ex would have said if I told him I was staying with a man because it was unsafe to drive home.
Trust, or lack of it is usually an issue within a person, and has nothing to do with the partner. It's kind of the glass being half empty or half full. Some people assume the glass is half empty.....the partner cannot be trusted. I prefer to think it's half full...anyone can and should be trusted, until they've shown that they can't be trusted.
This is an interesting issue that plays in relationships. I feel "Trust is Earned Not Given" applies. I have never had anyone cheat on me. I have never been married, so have dated a lot more than married friends.
I never assume he is a guy who won't cheat on me, hit me or hide secrets like addiction, children he denies until I know him as a person. I don't assume he's good, bad, kind, confused, happy or sad until I get his jive.
I dated a guy who wanted immediate trust and rushed me into a relationship wanting sex, meeting the family and a vacation together in less than 2 weeks. He said trust was given at face value and I told him it was earned. Due to different feelings he broke it off with me. I was not dissapointed because I think anyone who trust everyone that crosses their path is asking for problems.
I think women, and men should be cautious in the beginning and not decide their feelings or trust someone 100% until they get to know someone, which does not happen in a few days. The important thing to me is that you are capable of trust, whether it be 2 weeks or a year.
I don't think it's a male/female thing either. Thanks to boards such as these, I've heard of some very jealous men in my time.
I've never been prone to jealousy issues. And yes, I've had past boyfriends sleep at a female friends homes....DH's running partner was a woman.....female co-workers....female drinking partners etc etc. To be honest, it doesn't even occur to me to worry about him being with a female friend.
Hang on...I tell a lie. I did get jealous of an ex-boyfriend's car. He seemed to spend more time under it than under me.
im new to posting,though i've been reading and getting great tips for a while ;). Well, I've been with my current boyfriend for six months now and I finally worked up the nerve to admit i love him. My last boyfriend (major flirt should have seen it coming) cheated on me after i had fallen pretty hard for him.(9 months) It hurt so bad and i just was scared to let that happen again. but my boyfriend now understands that completely. im very gaurded with my emtions but he waited until i was ready to open up. I just think girls are a little more scared of getting hurt. also when girls are hurting they dont play it off as well as men.
Amiee