Man likes looking at women on net

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Man likes looking at women on net
60
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:56pm
Hi - is there anyone out there who has this porblem- recently i have noticed that my boyfirend has become very secretive and logging on to to the upstairs computer -when asked wot he was up to (in a fun teasing way - we are very close) he goes all coy and i can just TELL hes been up to something. Anyway little does he know that im not daft with a computer and i have looked at interent cookies etc only to finf that he has been looking at a site which features a girl wearing all sorts of satiny clothing - all provocative needless to say.. the thing is, i love sex - in fact my sex drive is way higher than his - and i have no problem dressing up in all sorts (stuff i know he likes). i always make the first move - i have to - he seems very shy and inexpereinced. we had this problem a month or so ago when i confronted him with it and he flatly denied it. i reasoned with it in my head and in the end put it down to maybe they were there from when he was single etc. it bothers me as i know it sounds silly but its kind of like being unfaithful, after all the other day i was actually in the house...i am very open about sex and have told him if he ever wants to me to wear something he has a fantasy for or whatever to just let me know, that i love turning him on etc...we have been together a year and as far as i can make out he didnt have a very good sex life prior to that, and maybe he is just become addicted over the years or something !!! i just want him to grab me and make love to me and want me in the way he obviously likes to look at these girls- after all im told many a time im good looking etc, and im not overweight etc - totally baffled !!!! would be grateful to hear from anyone....really dont know what i can do thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 1:26pm
Your situation is tough but as a man I can tell you that even if I have sex all the time I still like to look at porn and mastabate. When you are in a serious relationship its hard to look at your mate as a sexy slut that you want to just make love to hard. I mean we feel comforable with you but you are the special girl. Maybe the fact the he loves you so much despite the fact that you are a open person won't allow him to view you in the same light as the porn stars he watches due to the fact he respects you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 3:11pm
thanks for a mans view on this!! i wouldnt mind so much but he does it when im there and desperate for him to take me and look at me that way !! plus i would have thought the real thing would have been more of a real thrill....dont ge tme wrong i watch porn on my own sometimes but its for the actual thrill of watching SEX rather than a man dressed in a certain way or something, which is hwat he is doing ..i guess the best way is to talk to him about it again..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 3:39pm

You answered your own question I think. Better to just ask than assume that you know what's going on.

Scott.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 4:35pm

I guess I'm a little confused by the fact that you've been together for a year and you haven't discussed your individual expectations. But it's never a good idea to assume anything about your partner. Your reasoning about this might make good sense to YOU, but could be WAY off the mark.

And why wouldn't he be more open about his personal thoughts and ideas about sex? Not divulging the number of partners or intimate details, mind you, but what his preferences and desires are. If he felt secure and comfortable enough to tell you, he might be more willing. But that's really the only way to figure out how to make one another happy. TALKING about your hopes and desires will go further in making them a reality than guessing, that's for sure.

If you two have differing ideas about anything in the relationship, that can affect the happiness of the other, whether it be porn, religion, family, work, etc. then it should be discussed and compromised on, if at all possible.

Talk with him, don't guess or assume you know why he's using porn and then lying about it. Find out why he's doing this and then decide how you'll resolve your resulting issues with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:18pm
im even more confused !-- you see we are soul mates in every way - very comofrtable(to the point where its scary) with eachohter though i do feel he has been very 'shy' when it comes to sex, almost like he doesnt know what he wants, but like i say, i use my fowardness to initiate the act etc and make sure he knows he can divulge anything to me... i guess it could just be a matter of time before he gets confident... i must remember that at ten years older he may have got so 'used' to his sex life being a certain way it may be difficult to change over night.. whatever the reason i still feel ahurt in the fact that if i had denied him sex or had npt been as 'up' for it as i could have been then it would at least be understandable for him to look elsewhere..
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 5:41pm

The problem is that people will continue to look at other attractive people, regardless of how much sex is available to them. Men will still look at other sexy women. Not all men use porn but all men look and are attracted to other women besides their partners. And women are attracted to other men, as well, doesn't mean that one will act on that attraction though.

Just because your guy is looking, doesn't mean that he doesn't still desire you. But IF he is spending too much time on the net looking at and perhaps, masturbating to porn, then discuss it with him. Not in a judgemental way but matter of factly. You both know he does it, so discuss how you can get YOUR needs met as well. There has to be a compromise if you feel neglected.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 9:47am

Soocram,

You are still making a lot of assumptions. In my opinion, the number one key to happiness in relationships and in life in general is to NEVER make assumptions about anything....ever.

Kat made a great point: no one has control over attractions, just what you do with them. The most devoted wives and husbands are attracted to other people. However, the wisest know that this is temporary and that it will pass within moments.

I will occasionally pick up Playboy magazine or sports Illustrated swimsuit addition and I will find the women attractive. HOWEVER that is no reflection on my wife...I don't cheat and don't desire any other woman. After 18 years, I she still makes my heart skip a beat. Sex is wonderful and fullfilling and our relationship is healthy and nurturing.

OFten times people take the actions of others personally. Let me tell you a secret: NOthing is EVER personal.

Good luck.
Scott.

PS - Talk to him, don't assume.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 3:30pm

You are being too aggressive. You've taken charge of life in the bedroom and I'm afraid you have emasculated him somewhat.

I know you mean well, being the one initiating sex all the time, but in doing so, you are draining away his confidence to the point where he feels timid about taking charge and initiating sex on his own.

In my opinion, this is why he's spending a lot of time looking at the pictures - they don't make him feel pressured, or inadequate, he can simply look and enjoy without feeling judged.

Build his confidence back up by laying off for a while. Let him come on to you, encourage him when he does, tell him you like what he's doing, that it feels good. Play at you being his 'sub' for a day, let him call the shots.

When you build his confidence back up by letting him take charge, I feel he will open up to you more and not seek refuge in the pictures so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 4:48pm

I totally agree with the last post that Scott made.

I have been with my husband for 13 years; got married when I was just 17. We have grown together sexually and emotionally. He is the love of my life!

Last year, I had a similar experience. He as looking at adult sites on the internet. At first I was hurt; expecially since our sex life was in the dumps. Well, I am the type of person that can't hold things in. I talked to him about it. I just told him that I noticed some he was looking at some sites. And asked if he was turned on by those women. He said that he liked to read those stories. And the women didn't mean anything.

To make a long story short. I set up some favorite sites with erotic stories for him to read. I like reading them myself. But we set up rules: the main rule is that he can look at whatever, but no chatting on line with women. I feel like that is too personal.

Men are visually stimulated. The women on these websites and adult movies have nothing on me. I know everything about him. I know how he likes to me touched, talked to, when and where he wants sex. The fact is when he goes to bed at night, it is to me.

I guess my opinion in this long post is that it's probably not personal toward you. I also think you should confess to him that you know he's looking at these sites and how you feel about it. The best thing for us was to set rules.

Sassy!

P.s. I also figured out that looking at the sites didn't mean he wanted sex. I try to figure out those times where he is in the "mood", but is still tired and try to take care of it all myself (if you know what I mean).

Sassy.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 4:55pm

Don't bet on him becoming more confident. Sometimes people don't change and he may never really change his "style" when it comes to sex.

As for the porn? I think that he's probably just enjoying having a look. Maybe he doesn't feel like a full-on session of sex and is just enjoying sneaking a peek? Maybe there is something about this particular woman or what she's wearing that gives him a bit of a thrill? Maybe he's enjoying looking but passing the time more than anything else? You'd really have to ask him. Men (and women) will always find other people attractive. You see a good looking guy in the street, and you can appreciate how handsome he is - but it doesn't mean that you'd actually want to leave your partner and sleep with this guy. I'd say that your guy is a bit like this. He likes seeing attractive women half naked in the porn and can appreciate their, umm, charms. But he satisfied with and by you.

Guys learn from an early age that looking at porn is a "bad" thing and that women invariably react badly. Their Mums always got mad at the girlie magazines under the bed. Female friends are uncomfortable. And women always seem surprised that guys are happy to look at porn so often. So you learn to hide it and to be discrete with it. He'd probably be surprised to know that you were OK with porn in general. He's not looking elsewhere, he's doing this in addition to the good sex life that you have. Guys can get all the sex that they want and still enjoy looking at porn even if they aren't up to having more sex.
Provided your sex life isn't suffering from this I honestly wouldn't get too worried about it. Talk to him, let him know that you know, maybe even check it out with him occasionally, but don't worry about it unless it's really having an effect of your lives.

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