Man likes looking at women on net
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Man likes looking at women on net
| Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:56pm |
Hi - is there anyone out there who has this porblem- recently i have noticed that my boyfirend has become very secretive and logging on to to the upstairs computer -when asked wot he was up to (in a fun teasing way - we are very close) he goes all coy and i can just TELL hes been up to something. Anyway little does he know that im not daft with a computer and i have looked at interent cookies etc only to finf that he has been looking at a site which features a girl wearing all sorts of satiny clothing - all provocative needless to say.. the thing is, i love sex - in fact my sex drive is way higher than his - and i have no problem dressing up in all sorts (stuff i know he likes). i always make the first move - i have to - he seems very shy and inexpereinced. we had this problem a month or so ago when i confronted him with it and he flatly denied it. i reasoned with it in my head and in the end put it down to maybe they were there from when he was single etc. it bothers me as i know it sounds silly but its kind of like being unfaithful, after all the other day i was actually in the house...i am very open about sex and have told him if he ever wants to me to wear something he has a fantasy for or whatever to just let me know, that i love turning him on etc...we have been together a year and as far as i can make out he didnt have a very good sex life prior to that, and maybe he is just become addicted over the years or something !!! i just want him to grab me and make love to me and want me in the way he obviously likes to look at these girls- after all im told many a time im good looking etc, and im not overweight etc - totally baffled !!!! would be grateful to hear from anyone....really dont know what i can do thanks

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Okay, first of all, don't listen to those other idiots that think you're "assuming" too much. Your instincts are telling you that he's hiding his porn from you, and in all likelyhood, you're right. I had the same exact problem with my boyfriend and when he'd lock himself in the office he swore he was just playing around on the computer. I finally got the courage to snoop, which I would not recommend unless you're willing to accept the consequences, and I found an entire box of porn videos and magazines.
A little porn is normal and healthy. Yes it drives us nuts that they do it, but a little bit is healthy. The problem I have had is that instead of a little porn in addition to a healthy sex life, he looks at porn instead of having sex with me. That is not healthy! When he chooses to fulfill his needs through porn rather than with me, I feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm too fat, or my boobs are too small, or I'm just not attractive. We've been together 2 1/2 years and lived together 1 1/2 and we have no passion, no romance, and no intimacy, and yes I do attribute that to him viewing porn.
I've dated guys that enjoyed their porn, but it wasn't a big deal because they never made me feel like crap in the process. If your guy is looking at it, but is still totally into you, I'd let it go. But if it's causing serious problems in your relationship, then it's not okay. I can tell you from my experience, my boyfriend did not enjoy being confronted about it. And to be honest, I don't know that it will get any better. After doing some research, I realized that men can actually become addicted and it can ruin relationships. So I can hope for the best, but expect the worse because I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling unwanted and undesirable.
Sorry I don't have all the answers, but I thought you might take comfort in the fact that someone else was dealing with the same issue.
Never trust men. They get bored with their wives or partners very quickly. Moreover they are like stray Tom Cats who need a vet. Don't spy on him but give him the impression that you don't care about him. Talk to his friends and laugh and have fun. If he gets angry tell him straightaway, "You are too engrossed in "INTELLECTUAL WORK" ON YOUR COMPUTER, and I need love which you are now incapable of giving...". But take the advice of others as he might get legal. Tricky problem.
Wish you best of luck with your man.
I know that people get tired of seeing messages about this, but it really is nice to know that other people have the same issues. I discovered about a year ago that my boyfriend was looking at porn on the internet. It didn't bother me at first, but now it is at the point that it is eating me up alive. I have never told him that I know, I truly found it by accident and don't want him to think that I am spying on him. We bought a house together 4 months ago, and he only does it 1 maybe 2 times a week. He waits until I leave for work in the morning. He goes to extreme lengths to hide it from me by deleting his history, but unfortunately my curiosity got the best of me and I found another way to see when he does it. I wish I didn't know, it would make life so much easier. On the days when I know he does it, I shut down emotionally on him, he knows I am upset, but I don't think he ever figures out why, he thinks he's got it well hidden. We don't have sex as much as I would prefer, but our sex life usually outweighs his porn habit.
I see so many posts on here that say just to let it go, and I do try, because knowing when he does it makes me so miserable. I keep telling myself that I am going to stop checking up on him, but I can't. I am afraid that he is going to start doing it more, and at least this way I can monitor how often he is doing it. He does not neglect me emotionally, and for the most part does his best to make me happy. I am just seeking guidance to help me understand whether it truly is a problem or not. I just don't understand why men do it and how most cannot see how much it hurts their SO.
At what point does porn stop having one person with all the blame to two people who accept responsibility for action/reaction issues? A relationship is about half/half. Everyone does have the work to make the full 100% it takes to make a beautiful relationship.
Before I come under fire for this, no I don't know what its like to have my husband look at porn instead of me. I know that if he were to look at porn, he'd be looking for the same thing I do when I look at it-ideas. I know that if I were to find him looking at porn, I wouldn't care. That's him and I love and accept him for him-flaws and all. If he were to start with holding sex from me, I'd ask him why. I wouldn't blame a fictional character for it. I'd look to myself, to him, to the relationship. Why isn't there sex? The obvious answer is porn. But, I think sometimes porn is more an escape than it is an instrument of blame. I think if a porn situation were approached in a open-minded manner, there wouldn't be women comparing themselves to fictional characters. You don't compare yourself to Barbie, why compare yourself to a woman who technically doesn't exist. You don't compare yourself to Sleeping Beauty, so don't compare yourself to Sleeping Booty. You can't automatically assume he's comparing. My guess is that he isn't comparing. You do the comparing, so you do the damage to your self-esteem. Why bother yourself over fiction?
There was the one woman who posted that after she found the porn, she asked why. Got an answer, and sought a solution. I liked her solution of bookmarking erotic stories to read TOGETHER. I think that's a very erotic idea..And very, very thoughtful. She didn't make him change, she compromised. She didn't ask him to stop, she compromised. That's what relationships are about. They are about sacrifices and compromises. And, compromise is easier than it sounds.
So, that's my two cents. If ya yell at me, yel, at me. I honestly don't care because I'm entitled to my opinion and that's exactly what this is. MY OPINION. You have one, I have one, we all have one. :)
Again, these are all suggestions. Only you can decide how to handle it.
I would love to discuss it with him, however the problem is that for me to bring it up I would have to admit that I have been totally invading his privacy, and that is not a can of worms I want to open up. I know he is entitled to his privacy, which is what makes this a private battle within myself. I am waiting for a casual non threatening opportunity to bring it up, but I always see that opportunity after the fact.
I have looked at the stuff that he looks at, and that just confuses and upsets me more. Yes, the women are fake and most of the time disgusting, but the fact that he keeps going back means there is something there that appeals to him. I find it extremely selfish and self serving that he gets off this way.
I can see how talking to him about it would cause a problem b/c you were invading his privacy. But, I didn't mean to look at his porn. Look at your own. Somewhere out there, there must be big, hunky naked men with big..guns..And a 6 pack to die for bent over in some erotic pose that makes you freeze and go, "EGAD! I want to do that!" (That as in what he's doing, not him). And, its perfectly natural for men and women alike to admire a beautiful person. Just b/c he's with you doesn't mean he's dead.
You said:
>>I know that if he were to look at porn, he'd be looking for the same thing I do when I look at it<<
I'm inclined to agree with you. There are women out there that have hunk of the month calendars and can fully appreciate a good looking guy. There are also women out there that read far too many romance novels. But I haven't heard any guys complaining that they hate that their wife checks out the hunks or reads about too many swashbuckling heroes. I just don't think that men make that same jump of faulty logic that women make, and get insecure about the idea that their wife is COMPARING them to the heroes or the hunks.
Sure guys look at porn but (in general) it's not about comparing or replacing their partner. They're supplimenting the sex, they're catering to additional desires that they have, not replacing them or their partner with porn.
And let's face it, most of us could look just as good as the girls in the magazines if it was our job too. A bit of plastic surgery, years spent at the gym, professional makeup, hair and hair removal, professional photographer with all the gear, and a sympathetic digital retouching artist. Bammo! GirlWonder for the masses.
There are one or two movie stars that my partner happens to like a lot. The last film he even had his shirt off and I KNOW she was checking that out. But the odds of her actually ever meeting him, let alone running off with him are virtually nil. I look nothing like him either. But I know that she's with me. I know that I COULD look better if I exercised/dieted/trained more too. Frankly I think that it's good that she's showing a healthy interest in sex. I'll reap the benefits from that. IF it even went to the point where I thought that I was missing out or being made to feel insecure, then yeah, I'll talk to her about it or at least ask her to be a little bit more subtle about it while she's around me.
>>but what I don't get is that it boils down to the girl not having self confidence as a result of her SO looking at porn.<<
I think that it's important to learn that we cannot blame people's actions for a loss of our self confidence. If a man does an insensitive thing to a girl who's brimming with self confidence, she's would have the confidence to address the issue. She's got the confidence to say "I'm worth more than how you are treating me, get your act together or leave."
It's only a girl who has little self confidence to start with who lets her boyfriend treat her with less respect than she feels she deserves.
At the end of the day, many people will treat us in the manner in which we allow them to treat us.
>>I wish I could be one of the girls that posts on here saying that it doesn't bother them at all. <<
I'm one of those women who doesn't mind, though I will confess that if he did it to extremes, or I started missing out on sex because of it, I'd certainly have something to say about it. And I can honestly say that I've never spied on his PC to find out about any habits that I'm unaware of.
In learning to cope with this, you have to start to find positive attributes when looking at yourself. For me it's like this: I've had two of his children, I am the love of his life, he loves me like he's never loved anyone before, he enjoys sex with me. The porn model: She's got fake tits and airbrushed thighs. How on earth can she compete with me? I am DH's life and the porn model is a fake bimbo.
Try some positive self talk. And if a man won't treat you how you feel you deserve to be treated, throw him out. It truly is that simple.
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