Man likes looking at women on net

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Man likes looking at women on net
60
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:56pm
Hi - is there anyone out there who has this porblem- recently i have noticed that my boyfirend has become very secretive and logging on to to the upstairs computer -when asked wot he was up to (in a fun teasing way - we are very close) he goes all coy and i can just TELL hes been up to something. Anyway little does he know that im not daft with a computer and i have looked at interent cookies etc only to finf that he has been looking at a site which features a girl wearing all sorts of satiny clothing - all provocative needless to say.. the thing is, i love sex - in fact my sex drive is way higher than his - and i have no problem dressing up in all sorts (stuff i know he likes). i always make the first move - i have to - he seems very shy and inexpereinced. we had this problem a month or so ago when i confronted him with it and he flatly denied it. i reasoned with it in my head and in the end put it down to maybe they were there from when he was single etc. it bothers me as i know it sounds silly but its kind of like being unfaithful, after all the other day i was actually in the house...i am very open about sex and have told him if he ever wants to me to wear something he has a fantasy for or whatever to just let me know, that i love turning him on etc...we have been together a year and as far as i can make out he didnt have a very good sex life prior to that, and maybe he is just become addicted over the years or something !!! i just want him to grab me and make love to me and want me in the way he obviously likes to look at these girls- after all im told many a time im good looking etc, and im not overweight etc - totally baffled !!!! would be grateful to hear from anyone....really dont know what i can do thanks
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 12:31am

"Never trust men. They get bored with their wives or partners very quickly."

Well, gee. I guess I'd better inform my DH of 28 yrs. that he should have strayed by now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 6:01am

"Never trust men. They get bored with their wives or partners very quickly."

I reckon that they could get bored quickly if their wife or partner is a boring person. But it's never happened to me.....

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 7:31am

Thank you. Your post and many of the others have truly helped me figure out how to deal. It won't happen overnight, but I think I can make it happen. The main thing is, and you helped me see this, is that he truly does treat me like a queen. Even more so when I get pouty b/c I know he looked at porn that day. He just wants to make me happy and make me smile. I don't think it is out of guilt either. He truly thinks he has his tracks covered.

My goal, and I know it's not going to be an easy one, is to stop spying. I need to put it out of my mind and just take each day as it comes. He is entitled to his privacy and I really need to respect that. Like you said, I need to work on me and making myself happy. I think that is the key. Because I know he does it, it will always bother me, but I guess as long as my needs are being met I can't continue to let it tear me apart inside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 8:06am

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 8:44am

Thank god I'm not the only one that deals with this. Like I said in my first post, I've dated guys that really enjoyed porn, and it really wasn't that big of a deal because they didn't try to hide it and it didn't directly affect our relationship. But my boyfriend and I have sex maybe once a month.

About a week and a half ago, I snooped around and found his porn stash. I talked to him about it and told him that I really don't mind him looking at it, what I do mind is the effect it's having on our relationship. We've only been together 2 1/2 years, and already there's no passion or romance. He told me he'd change things and to give him a month, but one day last week I came home from work and tried to initiate sex and got turned down. Come to find out, he had rented a Pay-per-view porn off the satellite. How am I supposed to deal with that?? We have sex like once a month, if that, and though I don't think a relationship should be based on sex, I definately think it's a way to connect. He's a great guy, don't get me wrong. He's sweet most of the time, and he can make me laugh when no one else can. I wasn't feeling good last night and I got up to use the potty this morning around 3:30 and he actually got up to check on me because he thought I was sick. I know he loves me, that's not the issue. I'm just wondering how good of a chance we have to make it for the long haul if he's not interested in my physically???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 8:49am

It's really difficult to come to any other conclusion than you're just not satisfying him when he won't talk to you about it. Sex has been an issue with us long before I found the porn. We just aren't having it. I've tried talking to him about it. I've even asked if our sex life is boring, or if I'm just not attractive to him any more. But he just shuts down.

Until you are in the situation where porn is replacing your sex life, you can't possibly understand. I've dated guys that were in to porn and it was NEVER a problem because I didn't feel like I was being neglected in my needs because of it. I wish I could get to the root of the real problem, because I do think there's a real problem that would cause him to fulfill his needs with porn rather than with me. But when he won't talk about it, what's a girl to do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:33am

"I'm just wondering how good of a chance we have to make it for the long haul if he's not interested in my physically???"

I guess that is my fear, although it is not an issue now. Sure, I would like to have sex more (we have it about 2X a week), but we both work really long hours and have really stressful jobs (we are both currently looking for new employement as well), so honestly we don't always have the energy for it. He never turns me down when I initiate. I guess that when he does look at the porn it is just a quick and easy way to relieve some of the stress. Maybe I am just jealous that I can't have a quick release like that? LOL Mainly because porn doesn't do anything for me, but also, I don't have nearly as much "alone" time at home as he does. I leave an hour before him in the morning, and we usually get home around the same time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:43am

If he won't talk about your relationship and work with you to solve differences or problems, then there is not much you can do.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 10:00am

Porn really isn't something I have issues with too much. I've dates some serious porn watchers in my day, and it never really bothered me. It's the fact that the behavior is affecting our relationship. I hate feeling like he's hiding something from me, and he's gone out of his way to hide this particular thing. And I hate that the romance and intimacy in our relationship suffers. I'm not naive enough to think that it's just the porn that's causing it. But he won't talk to me about it at all, so I don't know what the underlying issue is.

In all honesty, I think your relationship will be fine. If his porn habit isn't affecting your relationship, then i wouldn't worry too much about it. It really is normal for guys to look at that kind of stuff, but if it starts to cause problems between the two of you, I'd fess up that you know something and try to work it out before it gets to the point of no return.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 10:05am
I understand what you're saying, and I agree. But I have such a hard time giving up on anyone or anything. I love him so very much, and not like one of those desperate chicks that love a guy even though he's terrible to her. He's amazing in SOOOO many ways and we have great communication and a great relationship on so many levels. But it's just this particular topic that he won't talk about, and I think it's because he's a little bit embarrassed. I mean what guy wants to get caught with their porn, and further, what guy wants to talk about why he does it. He swears that he enjoys having sex with me, and that he's still attracted to me, but that's about where the conversation ends for us, except for me getting pissed because I can't understand.