Man likes looking at women on net

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Man likes looking at women on net
60
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:56pm
Hi - is there anyone out there who has this porblem- recently i have noticed that my boyfirend has become very secretive and logging on to to the upstairs computer -when asked wot he was up to (in a fun teasing way - we are very close) he goes all coy and i can just TELL hes been up to something. Anyway little does he know that im not daft with a computer and i have looked at interent cookies etc only to finf that he has been looking at a site which features a girl wearing all sorts of satiny clothing - all provocative needless to say.. the thing is, i love sex - in fact my sex drive is way higher than his - and i have no problem dressing up in all sorts (stuff i know he likes). i always make the first move - i have to - he seems very shy and inexpereinced. we had this problem a month or so ago when i confronted him with it and he flatly denied it. i reasoned with it in my head and in the end put it down to maybe they were there from when he was single etc. it bothers me as i know it sounds silly but its kind of like being unfaithful, after all the other day i was actually in the house...i am very open about sex and have told him if he ever wants to me to wear something he has a fantasy for or whatever to just let me know, that i love turning him on etc...we have been together a year and as far as i can make out he didnt have a very good sex life prior to that, and maybe he is just become addicted over the years or something !!! i just want him to grab me and make love to me and want me in the way he obviously likes to look at these girls- after all im told many a time im good looking etc, and im not overweight etc - totally baffled !!!! would be grateful to hear from anyone....really dont know what i can do thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 12:03pm

I did state that I didn't understand b/c I hadn't been there. But, I won't let it get to that point either. I think that blaming porn isn't going to fix the relationship. Often times, there are deeper problems than porn. But, the porn gets blamed because its the escape. And sometimes, I think its the scape goat. The, "No! The relationship is perfect so it must be the porn." If the relationship were perfect (which BTW, there is no such thing as perfect), then there wouldn't be issues. AND, as one very wise woman once pointed out to me, sex isn't the only thing that makes a relationship keep on going. This woman also pointed out that I put TOO much emphasis on sex in my marriage and that I shouldn't because a relationship isn't about sex. Its about love, commitment, trust, honesty, loyalty, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION, passion, COMPROMISE, PATIENCE, and sacrifice. I've given a lot to my relationship. I've give a lot of patience, understanding, compassion, and love to make my relationship work. And the rest clicked.
And, if you think that your SO isn't interested in you physically..Didn't he get up to check on you while you were in the bathroom? Part of loving someone is caring about their physical well-being. He obviously must care about you if he got up in the middle of the night to check on you. And, if he's too shy to talk about it, then give him some space and some time to figure out what to say. When you're shy, you're shy. And poking and prodding won't work. How do I know? Because I can be very shy about certain subjects. Girl, I blush with the OB. I can barely let her poke my cervix w/o trying to find a way out of the office. Sex can make me blush. Just about anything can make me blush.
As for the other girl-If you and your SO both have very stressful jobs, then go fig. Stress takes a lot out on a person. DH and I had been so stressed out that we barely could muster up any desire to have sex. It wasn't that we didn't love one another. It was that we both were so exhausted. He was working all the time and I was at school and working a nursing home. We both didn't have the ENERGY. But, we made it up by snuggling and spending quality time together. And by relieving our stress..by playing..The Sims: Bustin' Out. Believe me. My DH and I will create characters based off one another. He would do me and I, him. We'd each build the house together. And then, the first thing he'd do w/ his character is flirt with me or kiss me. I knew, even though it was a video game, that he still loved and desired me. There are other ways to express love and affection that don't involve sex. Sex isn't the only thing left. And, you won't die from lack of sex. Just think of nuns, monks, and priests. Its all good.
Like someone once told me, its better to be proactive than reactive. Much luck to you both!
Love to all.

JennieKG
33w4d pregnant
Only 45 days until Colin Comes!!!
EDD July 26

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 12:48pm

I guess a guy that hides porn


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:34pm

Well put!

And FYI... I snooped because he was acting suspicious and I didn't wanted to be the stupid girl that knew something was up but was too chicken to find out what.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:34pm

I definately think there's more to a relationship than sex. And I definately think we have a pretty strong relationship in all other areas. Is it perfect, no. Like you said, none of them are.

I know my guy cares about me and loves me. All I'm saying is that without passion and desire for each other, it seems like all we have is a really great friendship. Which is awesome, I mean I don't know anyone that can make me laugh as much as he does. But I look at my parents that have been married for over 25 years and still have sex at least once a week, and it makes me feel like their intimacy is part of the reason they've been able to stay together so long. Sex is the only time we get good quality time together, and since that's only happening once a month tops, yeah, it bothers me. I don't think porn has everything to do with it... I do think there has to be some underlying issue that's causing it. But I do know that there are such things as porn addicts that do it just because they're addicted, regardless of how it makes those around them feel.

I would love for him to come to me and talk about it, but I know him well enough to know that's not gonna happen. I'm really just trying to find out if other women encounter the same problem and how they handle it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:40pm
What problem precisely? Pornography or the inability to communicate? Perhaps you could forget that the porn exists and focus just on the communication. If you two can work on it, then you're guaranteed to open the door to many other forms of communication. Proactive, not reactive.
Perhaps a mrelationship counselor will work? DH and I are looking into it for our marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:15pm

My husband has always looked at woman on the internet somedays it bothers me some days it doesn't I have done lots and lots of reading on this subject and they all come up with basically let them do it.

So I guess that is what I do, but sometimes it hurts I feel that I am not good enough for him or something KWIM.

I don't know if I helped but I have the same thing happening here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:19pm
That is very well put I like the male perspective on that thank you so much,
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:35pm
It doesn't matter what "experts" or other people say that you should do though. IF it bothers you that your DH is looking at porn, then you should tell him. Even if nothing changes, he needs to know how this affects his wife!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 2:49pm

Thanks,

I have tried but he just says he likes to do it.
So somedays I just know it happens and let it go.
Sometimes I really don't know how to approach it.
Like he left it on the other day and I kind of just blew it off.
But deep down it hurt.
Our sex life is not suffering so I guess it is the point that we do it the night before and then the very next morning he looks at porn and leaves it on so I can see it.

Confused I guess.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 3:58pm

Have you told him that it hurts you when you have a great night together and then find the evidence of his surfing in the morning? I think you need to be very specific about what it is that bothers you and ask him to adjust THOSE things. That's not asking too much, IMO.

And I don't think anyone, male or female, appreciates feeling that they're not enough for their partner. IF something one is doing is having that effect on the other, then it deserves attention and consideration.

An analogy you might use to help him understand: say he's asked you to scale back your spending because it makes him feel pressured at the end of the month. You say you will but you don't. When he asks you why you continue to do it, you say "I just like to do it."
Maybe that will help him understand how you feel getting that answer from him. It CAN feel dismissive.