Man likes looking at women on net

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Man likes looking at women on net
60
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:56pm
Hi - is there anyone out there who has this porblem- recently i have noticed that my boyfirend has become very secretive and logging on to to the upstairs computer -when asked wot he was up to (in a fun teasing way - we are very close) he goes all coy and i can just TELL hes been up to something. Anyway little does he know that im not daft with a computer and i have looked at interent cookies etc only to finf that he has been looking at a site which features a girl wearing all sorts of satiny clothing - all provocative needless to say.. the thing is, i love sex - in fact my sex drive is way higher than his - and i have no problem dressing up in all sorts (stuff i know he likes). i always make the first move - i have to - he seems very shy and inexpereinced. we had this problem a month or so ago when i confronted him with it and he flatly denied it. i reasoned with it in my head and in the end put it down to maybe they were there from when he was single etc. it bothers me as i know it sounds silly but its kind of like being unfaithful, after all the other day i was actually in the house...i am very open about sex and have told him if he ever wants to me to wear something he has a fantasy for or whatever to just let me know, that i love turning him on etc...we have been together a year and as far as i can make out he didnt have a very good sex life prior to that, and maybe he is just become addicted over the years or something !!! i just want him to grab me and make love to me and want me in the way he obviously likes to look at these girls- after all im told many a time im good looking etc, and im not overweight etc - totally baffled !!!! would be grateful to hear from anyone....really dont know what i can do thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 8:00pm

You wrote:


Okay, first of all, don't listen to those other idiots that think you're "assuming" too much.


I'm not angry with this response, but I did want to reply that people on here have differences of opinions, but that doesn't made them "idiots".

Sassy.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 8:09pm

soocram,

First of all, I've been reading stuff here for a long time, and I decided to join, just so I could respond to your message.

The reason I am responding is that I am just astonished to see how you don't see any solutions to this. I am a 20 year old male, and I can see all kinds of solutions. It might be since I am on the outside looking in or what not.

I know generally older people don't liker recieving advice from younger people, but I hope you will at least take my statements into consideration as you try to find resolution.

First and foremost, it is obvious you aren't going to just to be able to forget about this, there is going to be a daily reminder about whenever you see him locking himself away. So in my opinion you need to confront him. Who cares if he thinks you were snooping? This is your marriage and life you are talking about, you need resolution!

In order for him not to get mad about snooping, all you need to do is prove to him you snooped because it was out of anger or mistrust, but more of a personal worry.

To prove this to him, all you have to do is show him this topic and all the responses. If he is as half good of a man as you say he is, he will see how worried and willing to do anything you were in order to find resolution in the sweetest and most kindest way . possible. I don't think anyone can accuse you of not trying to do this in the most gentle way possile, as is shown by how concerned you really are.

Like I said, these are only a few ideas I had after reading through all these posts. I hope they at least help a little bit. All I know is, somehow or someway, you really should find resolution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:04pm

What's a girl to do?

You tell him that shutting down in UNACCEPTABLE. Without communication, there is no relationship.

And if he will not open up, YOU LEAVE HIM. Honestly, there are so many great men out there who won't treat you in this manner. Why settle for less than you deserve?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 1:15am
i would like to help set you at ease(somewhat). his looking at these other women is not about you. okay, so here's the other side of it. while in a relationship, the worst secrets to have are those that are sexual in nature. it's just never a good sign. i am not saying that he will cheat or anything, but, if you're so ready, willing, and able...he should have no problem loving that. its not the whole looking at porn thing that concerns me. its the whole hiding it thing. if youre in a sexually active relationship with someone, you should be able to trust them completely. and when the nature of their secrets becomes something sexual...well, thats no good. assuming that this relationship is exclusive, you two should have no secrets of a sexual nature(whilst you have been together). tell him how you feel. and don't say it in a teasing way. be upfront and honest with the guy youre sharing your body with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 1:41am

I agree in principal with being honest with your partner, but the partner must also do their part to encourage honesty in the first place.

Take the example of a guy who uses porn. He has two choices.

1. Be honest with his partner
2. Keep it a secret

If the result of being honest is to be on the receiving end of tears, jealousy, criticism and spying....then of course he will keep it a secret. On the other hand, if she accepts it without issue, then he'll be more encouraged to be honest in future.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 3:15am
that is also very true. but by that same standard, a person cheats on their spouse. they know that what they did would cause hurt, tears, & jealousy in their spouse. does this mean that they should keep their infidelity a secret and continue to slowly hurt the relationship while praying the spouse never finds out? if the answer to this is "yes," then the cheater gets away with infidelity and the spouse walks around with a false sense of security at all times. is this fair to the innocent party? honesty is a must even if it isnt encouraged simply because a relationship can never truly be healthy otherwise. i cant be sure about this, but i am pretty confident that in divorces where infidelity was the cause, it wasnt something that was confessed, but rather found out somehow by the cheated on spouse. dishonesty(or secrets) only say that you plan to keep going(being dishonest) until you are found out. you don't hurt someone you respect like that and you don't disrespect someone you are suppose to love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 4:59am

Hey, ummm, I just had a thought about the whole porn issue that hadn't really occurred to me before. It's not just guys in relationships that look at porn. Single guys do it too. Take me for example, I've always looked at a bit of porn on the 'net, and I've always looked at more when I've been single and less of it when I'm in a relationship. How can I be comparing my partner to the porn gals when I haven't got a partner?

I guess that I'd just throw that into the conversation because women that worry about being "compared" to the porn gals shouldn't be. When you met the guy he knew what a porn gal looked like, but he still ended up falling head over heels in love with you. He certainly didn't just discover that porn girls were attractive AFTER he met you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 10:23am

<<>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 10:25am
I never thought of it that way either but that's a very good point Westie.

~Tish

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 6:11pm
I think most women understand and accept that a single man will likely use porn when he is partner-less. But they don't understand why he would continue using porn, sometimes just as much as he did before, when he DOES!