Man likes looking at women on net

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Man likes looking at women on net
60
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:56pm
Hi - is there anyone out there who has this porblem- recently i have noticed that my boyfirend has become very secretive and logging on to to the upstairs computer -when asked wot he was up to (in a fun teasing way - we are very close) he goes all coy and i can just TELL hes been up to something. Anyway little does he know that im not daft with a computer and i have looked at interent cookies etc only to finf that he has been looking at a site which features a girl wearing all sorts of satiny clothing - all provocative needless to say.. the thing is, i love sex - in fact my sex drive is way higher than his - and i have no problem dressing up in all sorts (stuff i know he likes). i always make the first move - i have to - he seems very shy and inexpereinced. we had this problem a month or so ago when i confronted him with it and he flatly denied it. i reasoned with it in my head and in the end put it down to maybe they were there from when he was single etc. it bothers me as i know it sounds silly but its kind of like being unfaithful, after all the other day i was actually in the house...i am very open about sex and have told him if he ever wants to me to wear something he has a fantasy for or whatever to just let me know, that i love turning him on etc...we have been together a year and as far as i can make out he didnt have a very good sex life prior to that, and maybe he is just become addicted over the years or something !!! i just want him to grab me and make love to me and want me in the way he obviously likes to look at these girls- after all im told many a time im good looking etc, and im not overweight etc - totally baffled !!!! would be grateful to hear from anyone....really dont know what i can do thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 10:29pm

>>But they don't understand why he would continue using porn,<,

Yes, very true. That seems to be the crux of the matter, doesn't it?

I just thought that it was an interesting idea. It's sort of backwards from the usual way that we look at the 'porn versus me' situation. As far as I can tell, the perception is usually "he's suddenly found porn to be more interesting than me". Whereas he probably ALWAYS found the porn interesting even BEFORE he met you. That means that he must have been aware of how you compared physically to the women in the porn right from the start. And even with that knowledge, he decided that he wanted a relationship with you. So the question of "Does he prefer me or the porn?" is answered - he likes both and he must be attracted to you because he got into the relationship knowing that you don't look or act like the girls in the porn.

I can't say that this way of looking at it will make any women feel more secure in her relationship but it's another way of looking at the same old debate.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 1:01am

Regardless whether either person uses porn in a relationship, both should realize that they will each continue to find others sexually attractive but that it doesn't mean that either wishes to act on that attraction.

And that whatever each did for personal satisfaction, while single, will likely continue, to some degree, after marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 5:51pm

The point "he likes both and must be attracted to you because he got into the relationship knowing you don't look or act like the girls in porn" is an excellent point and was great for me to read, because you are right!!!

However, for me.. my husband knows that porn with me is not an issue if SHARED with me. I do not mind watching a video with him or anything else... I am open to new things.. adventures and experimenting.. what I am not open to is the fact that he does it behind my back. (not very well of course) He chooses to keep me out of it, he uses his laptop and will look at it at work, when I am not home, when I am sleeping, when I am in the other room. He will sneak down into the basement with the laptop to look at it. I have told him over and over again he does not need to keep it from me and he can share it with me but he still does not, nor have we EVER shared it in anyway... so what does one do with this?

I have asked myself if this is something I can live with for the next 50 years and part of me says no and the other part says of course.. he is a wonderful man.. a good husband (he would be great if he did not sneak around with this porn issue) and a great father. Yet... my blood rises and my heart sinks whenever I find out he has been looking at the porn again.. I can not let it go... does this mean it is my issue now and NOT his?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 6:15pm

"....does this mean that this is my issue now, NOT his?" Well, yes.

IF he chooses to use porn as a masturbatory tool and not share it with you, then he may feel that's his right...much as many women will only use vibrators privately.

But if you can't deal with this, then it will continue to be a sore point between you. That is unless and until you accept that he doesn't want to share this part of his sex life with you.

May not be easy to accept but as long as he isn't neglecting you to do it, then it may be possible to LEARN to live with it. However, the choice is yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 6:46pm

Being in a marriage is about sharing it all...

He did choose this option over me for 7 months of my pregnancy ( we have a one month old) and now that I am back into the swing of things, and the shape and figure I was prior to getting pregnant ( and have been since 3 weeks) it is still a struggle to get him away from the porn and back to "us"

side note: He does not want me to look at porn without him nor does he want me to use a vibrator without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 7:04pm

My answer was going to be the same as kat's - that wanting some privacy while he masturbates and uses some porn is not necessarily a bad thing. I thought the example of a woman using a vibrator on her own was a good example.

How do you feel about him not wanting you to watch porn on your own or to use your vibrator on your own? It certainly seems like it's a double-standard to me. Have you pointed that out to him? That you too, occasionally desire private time to masturbate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 10:23pm

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:13pm

IF he's neglecting you to selfishly take care of himself with porn, then you have a legitimate complaint. And if he's also being hypocritical by dictating how and when you take care of your own needs which directly result from this neglect, then you should ignore what he says and do what's in your best interest. After all, isn't that what he's doing?

However, that only takes care of your immediate physical needs but does nothing to solve the porn/communication/intimacy issues. I would highly recommend marital counseling to deal with these issues...for the sake of your marriage and child.

But you said that your baby is only a month old, so you can't engage in sexual activity yet anyway, not until your 6 wk. checkup. So, you still have a couple of weeks to begin talking about how you'll deal with this problem.

BTW, I've been married for 28 yrs. and believe me, while you share most of yourself with your partner within marriage, you are still very much individuals. And that means that many, many aspects of your married life will have to be negotiated and compromised on. There is just no other way to live happily with another person.




Edited 6/17/2005 11:27 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 3:30pm

I understand we are our own people don't get me wrong I don't think I am joined at the hip with my husband. But I do agree that you should know more about your spouse then anyone else should and there should be no secrets between the two of you.. secrets lead to feelings of insecurity and lack of trust. Looking at porn without your spouse while trying to hide it is a secret.

(It is hard sometimes to really express yourself on message boards because people can so easily read a tone that is not there or jump to conclusions about you that are not correct)

I understand masturbation, and I accept that he has this time for himself, and I take my own time for myself as well.

I understand porn and wouldn't mind watching it with him, using it as a part of our sex life.

What I can not understand is the way he sneaks around with it... how he goes on websites every single day to look at it.. how he will be out on our computer looking at it while I am in our room reading or what have you and he will be calling into me.. "I will be right there I am just reading the news"... then he will come in to our room and there will be no sex between us (I of course see the history the next day on the computer) It makes me feel as if he would rather watch porn then have the real thing with me, a live person whom he can reach out and touch a wife he can do anything with... I would not even care if we acted out some of the porn he watches.. I am an open person.. I am willing and able... I am always willing to have sex, I am always wanting sex... so why the porn over me?

As far as the one month baby thing... yes, you are SUPPOSE to wait 6 weeks.. but where there is a will there is a way. :)

There is no magic answer for me. I have to accept this is the way it is and learn not to take it personally because I know deep down inside it is not about me. I am a strong beautiful 32 year old female who's heart leads more than her brain does. I just need to learn to get past the hurt that I feel in regards to this porn situation.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 3:59pm

Yes, secrets can cause harm in a marriage if they are detrimental to your overall relationship. But everyone needs privacy and personal time without judgement. A fear of judgement is why most secrets are kept anyway.

But allowing your partner the privacy to masturbate, or whatever he chooses, isn't allowing him to be secretive, it's just giving him space. Both my DH and I need our own space periodically and we don't take it personally when it is necessary. Now, my DH doesn't use porn, but I'm quite certain that doesn't stop him from fantasizing about other women. IF you trust your DH, then you don't need to play porn cop on the computer.

Your DH must feel a little funny talking about the issue with you and maybe, a little ashamed but he's probably always looked at porn and always will. And he may be feeling that you're trying to control him and what he chooses to look at. A battle of wills isn't going to solve anything either.

But it would be a good idea to tell him that you won't be replaced by his porn use, nor should you stand for that either. That would be the time for counseling when it begins to interfere with your sex life. Hopefully, you can learn to deal with this aspect of his personality.

BTW, I'm pretty sure that most OB's would frown on intercourse until you've had your final exam.




Edited 6/21/2005 4:15 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

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