Marriage - mistake or misunderstanding

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Marriage - mistake or misunderstanding
7
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 10:20pm

Hey everyone! I need some help with my now husband!! We met six years ago, married July 1st 2006. For the last four years we have had nothing but dilemas' in our bedroom. He gets in the mood and he is all handsy, touchy, feely, swing'n it in my face get'n out of the shower, extra sweet (brings me a drink if he thinks I might be thirsty, etc., just generally a real suck-up).....that is until he gets his lov'n!! BUT here is the problem...I get in the mood and I take a bubble bath, invite him in it, bring up reading material to read with him (he isn't interested & won't read, but previously had become quite familiar with porn sites behind my back - three times over & I didn't get the benefits of it - just rejected more), I offer to rub him down - full body, I encourage him into a shower, pose for him in a sexy manner, etc., STILL NOTHING!!

I feel as though he doesn't ever want to be intimate with me unless he wants it first - BUT THEN - a bit of a kicker.... he never tries to be romantic or start out anyway that I have suggested to him that would help pull me into the mood!!! THEN THE REAL KICKER - he never finishes me when he is done his *fun*! Not BEFORE, during, or even AFTER he is done! I always get the " I'm sorry honey, I get you back later"....LATER HAS YET TO ARRIVE! I am always left hanging unless I do it myself afterwards when he goes to work!!

I have spoken to him numerous times about how what he does or doesn't do affects me and my desire for him sexually. He just pulls out defense, gets mad, makes me feel guilty for bringing it up with him! He just says, "oh, I WAS going to do that for you tonight (4+ days later & tired of waiting, and I bring it up...how convenient!), but there is no point now because now I'M NOT IN THE MOOD!!" Duhhh, niether am I by this time!!

He just doesn't seem to get it! I have told him that I am by no means sexually satisfied in this relationship and it has to change or I'm out! He just puts it off until the next time I have to bring it up to him! I vowed to him that will keep my back to the wall for this relationship if he does his part in keeping me sexually happy once a month rather than when he wants it every three months with no thougth or care around my wishes or desires. Six years in and he has yet to attempt ONE FRIGG'N way that I would like to see it start! Candles, dim lights, soft music, massage that gets outta hand....TOO HARD FOR HIM TO DO OR UNDERSTAND? AM I ASKING TOO MUCH?? AM I SUPPOSED TO ONLY PLEASE HIM WITH NO REGARD TO MY OWN DESIRES??

DYING A LITTLE MORE INSIDE EACH DAY

BBG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:10pm

It sounds like your sex life is a reflection of other relationship or him delemas. You should try working on communication some more. Hopefully he'll be willing to eventually work with you not just use you. You are right though your not asking to much at all. A man should enjoy satisfying his woman and it is not fair that only one person is being satisfied.

Like I said how a person is sexually reflects a lot about them so it may just mean your relationship is going to take a lot more work. Don't whine or nag, but talk. If he doesn't respond maybe you should bring up counsiling if he would be even a little open to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:40pm

This man has made you miserable for the last four years, and despite that fact, two weeks ago you married him? Now, two weeks later, you're upset about it and venting. Did you actually think that saying "I do" was going to make some miraculous change in him?

I don't know what to tell you. Talk to a lawyer and see if an annulment is possible? This is something that should have been worked out long ago....or the wedding should have been called off long ago. Yes, your marriage was a mistake. I have no idea what you mean by "misunderstanding", but it sure was a mistake.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 12:27am
Sexual satisfaction is a refelction of the relationship and not the other way around. In my honest opinion the reason why it is not satifying is because there are problems in the relationship outside of the bedroom. First you need to decide how you feel about this relationship. After you have decided how you feel about the relationship you need to discuss it with you huband allowing him to state what he feels the issues are in the relationship and come up with a way to solve the problems. Once the two of you have identified them and come up with a plan to solve then I do believe issues in the bedroom will be resolved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 8:44am

You're not asking too much - but you may have left it too late to realise that you are with a guy that simply won't do what you would like him to do. I don't think that things will ever change substantially. He's just not a guy that will ever make such a big change. And for him, it's a big change.

>>THEN THE REAL KICKER - he never finishes me when he is done his *fun*!<<

Something that might help for starters though: Next time he wants sex, *make damned sure* that you get what you want first. Obviously he will never do it for you afterwards or when you want it, so start making sure that you get it (whatever it is) when he is in the mood and feeling "motivated". Then once you've got yours, you can give him his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 9:15am
Six years of him being selfish, you getting frustrated and angry and you still married him?

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 6:10pm

Why? All I can say is why? I noticed you didn't say he was great in any other areas. So why would you waste so much time on him? Did you ever think he might be getting his fun elsewhere? I just got married too. actually 2 days after you did. and my husband is great, and not a day goes by that he doesn't make sure I'm satisfied. It sounds like your husband doesn't care how you feel at all. Do you think he would care if you left? You need to think about that! If I were you, I'd be filing for divorce. I know you hate to hear that but there are plenty of men out there. Find one who gives you what you want. Makes you HAPPY! You probably don't even know what that feels like. Think about it. Six years you've spent miserable. Time to change things!!!

Nitebutterfly

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 9:01pm

Smurfberry, what you say is true only when you have 2 unselfish, reasonable people discussing the problem. This guy is a selfish, self-centered man, who doesn't care that she is getting no satisfaction. He only cares that he gets his satisfaction.

From what Dakine said in a previous post, this is how the guy was all the time that she dated him. So it should be no surprise that he is still a selfish oaf.

Edited 7/15/2006 9:05 pm ET by gigi_1000




Edited 7/15/2006 9:06 pm ET by gigi_1000