Masturbation ruining relationship..help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Masturbation ruining relationship..help!
4
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:01pm

Please help me understand this. We have sex often enough. But I can tell when he masturbates too much because the "quality" of the sex is low...or he will sometimes suffer from ED because he has masturbated too much. He says it's an addiction and that he's always done it. I have bad feelings about it because I totally understand that men need to have a release of some sort and they will usually masturbate for this reason. I can relate to this and accept it. But EVERY SINGLE DAY???? Two or three times a day??? And it is affecting how you perform?? He says it's nothing to do with me and that he loves me and that he wants me all the time. He tells me that he is still attracted to me it's just that he's addicted to it. But I can't help feeling bad over it. It makes me feel like why do me at all if you are just going to do your hand anyway?

My feelings on this are actually starting to pull me away from him. I don't want to have sex with him anymore because I don't feel like there's a point to it for him. And I don't like the embarrassing situation with not being able to keep it up. It doesn't do me any good then anyway.

When I discuss this with him he tells me that he will try really hard to stop doing it so much. And he does. But then he goes right back to it again and the cycle starts over all over again. This last time has thrown me for a complete loop because I thought we had it all ironed out before and he was doing so good for a month or two it was really good. Sex was good and then BOOM!! Back to the same ole thing again.

I need some advice from anyone who might be able to lend another perspective or advice on how to handle my jealousy that I have with his HAND!

Thank you in advance...and don't worry, I don't offend very easily. Say anything that comes to mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:34am

An addiction is an addiction. Whether it's drugs, alcohol, food, porn or masturbation. All of these things in moderation are fine, but when they start interfering with a relationship, then they're out of control, they're an addiction.

And like all addictions, it's rare that a person can just STOP......they need professional help. Tell him he needs it.

But I also have to say that masturbation doesn't really cause ED......and I'm not sure what you mean by the "quality" of the sex. The ED may come from his guilty conscience....and/or the fact that he knows you disapprove. In a young guy, ED is usually more emotional than physical.

That's something the two of you have to work out together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 5:10pm

Before you rush in and decide that he is actually addicted to masturbation I'd want to consider a couple of things.

First of all, how often are you having sex?
And I know that you said he masturbates every day, and even two or three times, but realistically how often is he masturbating and how often does it cause problems? Does he really masturbate two or three times a day every day?
I didn't really understand what you meant when you said it affects the "quality" of the sex? Could you explain that a bit more?

A lot of people (women included) find that they actually masturbate more when they are having regular sex. I don't think that there is any problem with masturbating some of the time when you're having a good sex life, but there is, of course, a point where it can become a problem. In a normal relationship I would expect there to be times when masturbation and sex clash. Sometimes you'll want sex and it'll turn out that your partner has masturbated recently and isn't that interested. It happens. It all depends on how often it's happening for you.

What to do? Keep on top of him about it. If he truly is addicted to it he's not going to find it very easy to give up or to cut back. An addiction is an addiction no matter what form it takes. You've had some success because you say that things can go well for months at a time, so I'd keep doing what you were doing to make him reach that point. Ultimately if the two of you can't sort this out you'll probably have to investigate some therapy or getting help for him.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 4:04pm

If he has an addiction to masturbation, then he won't be able to just stop without help. And he'll have to WANT to stop. It's up to you to decide if you want to stick around while he tries to quit this habit. Bottom line, if your basic needs aren't being met, then it WILL erode your relationship.

Edited to add: I have to disagree with Westie's contention that an addiction to masturbation & most likely, porn as well, won't affect erection quality and arousal with you. How can it not, if it has become habitual?

Anything that is hyperstimulating, as porn is, if abused, WILL affect normal relations with a partner over time. And no real partner can compete with that kind of experience since it's all about SELF PLEASURE. It's all about him and what arouses HIM.




Edited 5/22/2006 6:21 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 8:00pm

Most likely he is a sex addict. It takes various forms, and compulsive maturbation is the most common. The quality of the sex diminishes because he also probably uses fantasy to fuel masturbation and after a while it blleds into the bed and pretty soon the person his is with is not you, but someone else.

Addicts very rarely stop completely on their own, and when they do they don't address the issues that led to the addiction in the first place. You should look into a book called Out of the Shadows by Patrick Karnes and also look into 12 step programs such as Sex A Holics Anonymous (SA) or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLA)