Men and sex
Find a Conversation
Men and sex
| Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:18pm |
My husband had a ONS and in our rebuilding he said the sex was terrible and he just couldn't wait for it to be over. I really don't know wether to believe it all.. he said any guy could get an erection and cum during sex with anybody. That men are different that way.. I think his exact words were even if a gorilla started stroking it a man would get a hard-on. And also guys, can you ejaculate without having an orgasm?

Hi Jemmi:
Orgasm and ejaculation are two DIFFERENT
I'm not sure what ONS is, and because of that I'm not sure how it fits in to your problem. Is he saying that although he has an erection he's not aroused or getting any enjoyment from sex?
Well, I don't know about a gorilla stroking it, but Yes, men can get an erection quite easily from stimulation that isn't even particularly sexual. I've been know to get an erection just from the pressure of a counter top against my trousers. But I still have control over whether or not I want sex. Confused yet? I guess what I'm saying is that physical stimulation can easily give us an erection, but it won't necessarily mean that we're actually mentally aroused and/or want sex.
I think that with women it's more or less exactly the oppostite - to be lubricated and physically ready for sex, you have to be mentally aroused first.
I'm not sure about ejeculating without orgasm. The wet dream example was used but I'm sure that when I've ever had a wet dream it's the orgasm that wakes me up. I beleive that the reverse is true, that you can orgasm without ejeculation but most guys have to train themselves to do that. I've had it happen once or twice in my entire life so I doubt that it's that common normally. Is ONS something that could affect this?
I think that if you're going to "rebuild".....you need to forget about the details of the sex, and concentrate on why it happened, and how you can trust him again.
Would you really expect him to say that the sex was wonderful? This is an avenue that's better left alone. He cheated on you, whether the sex was great, or it was horrible, and the point of rebuilding isn't to make comparisons, it's to fix the REASON for the episode.
If you're asking about the orgasm/ejaculation in regards to the "episode"....I suppose he not only told you that the sex was terrible, but he only ejaculated, he didn't have an "orgasm". Sorry.....it's another story to make you feel better. Men don't have "orgasms" the way women do. Men build to a point of "climax" and then they ejaculate. In normal sexual activity, a man does both....ejaculation happens during a "climax". It really doesn't have to be wonderful sex for a man to get aroused and then reach a climax, which precludes ejaculation. They don't have to be "in love" to reach a climax. Women too can have orgasms even if they're not madly in love with their partner.
Again, stop discussing the details of the encounter and start working on what caused him to do it in the first place. That's what's important. Whether the encounter was good, bad or indifferent doesn't matter.....what matters is why he did it, and what to do to keep it from happening again.
>>They don't have to be "in love" to reach a climax. <<
I don't think women need to be "in love" to orgasm either, I agree with your statement. But men can tell if a woman enjoyed the sex (unless he's being deceived) by her reactions!
How can women tell if the sex was "good" for the man then??
(Unless he verbally tells you...but telling someone sex was good is as easy as saying somesones cooking is good even if it tastes like garbage.)
If you're in a good relationship, and he keeps coming back for more, then doesn't it make sense that it's good for him? (If it's not, then shame on him for not talking about it.)
When two people are close enough to be sexually active, they should also be close enough to KNOW what the other person is feeling, and also close enough to talk about it, and trusting enough to believe what their partner tells them. (Although, in my opinion, there is NOTHING more annoying than to be asked by your partner continually if it was "good"! That just shows insecurity on their part!)
All people are different, and everyone's reaction to sex is different. Some women scream and thrash around during orgasms. Some women just enjoy it silently, and every variation in between. The same goes for men. There are some men that give no indication that it's over until they go limp. There are others that make certain noises. Some men go thru facial contortions and noises that makes them look and sound like they're in pain.
You can't think that because this partner reacts a certain way, the next will react the same. We're all different. That's why "experience" doesn't mean a hill of beans. You can be with 10 partners, or 100 partners, and things will be different with every one of them.
I don't think it matters whether or not the sex was good for him.
Ah! ONS = one night stand
Isn't it funny how you can think that something blatantly simple is something completely different? There I was thinking that it was medical condition! LOL!
(Just going to sit in the back of the classroom now.....)
Ah, yes, one of the great sexual myths...that a man can get an erection and have sex with any woman, anytime. Maybe some can, but I guarantee you that many of us can't. I have turned down sex with women coming on to me, where I wasn't aroused at all. I've been in bed with a woman or two where I soon realized I didn't even want to be there, wasn't sexually aroused in any way, but then felt trapped by the "any woman, anytime" myth to at least have an erection or feel like a failure. It has taken me awhile to get over this pressure. If I'm not aroused, she can be doing anything she wants with my penis and it isn't going to get hard.
I have had sex without emotion, and I can enjoy it. But sex with emotion is the best, far and away. It's the kind where even if I don't have an erection (too tired, etc.), it's still very good, because of the emotional intimacy.
As for wet dreams not involving orgasms, I beg to differ. I have woken up to such an ejaculation, and there definitely was an orgasm involved. In fact, the first orgasm I remember having was waking up during a wet dream...Goooooooooooooooooood morning!
Jemmi,
As mentors, we were trained to actually focus more on learning from it all for the benefit of the couple's future together and for the discovery of comparison or anything.
Statements or even discussions that are directed toward making the event seem less meaningful or for the purpose of comparing...its those that we try to avoid. I feel the same way with your situation too. Focus more on what good the communication will actually do for your future together and try to avoid talk that tries to play down what you went through.
Easier said than done, but you can't say that unless you actually first anyway, right?, lol, right.
C h a r a c t e r
above all else
Mr. Para
C H A R A C T E R