Men can be complicated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Men can be complicated!
7
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 1:50pm


Last night my husband told me 'he just doesn't get horny anymore'. I asked him why, he said he didn't know, I asked him if he still found me attractive, he said of course... he doesn't know why he's lost his sex drive, he just has. Ugh, talk about AGGRAVATING! :( Before we got married we had sex all the time and now its almost nonexsistant, and only happens when I persue. The only real thing that's different is that we are now married and see each other everyday (also a problem for him, or so it seems) and that he works now, all day long and I guess that wears him out. I just don't undersand and he doesn't seem to see a problem with it. It makes me feel undesirable and sad that my marriage is slowly falling apart. I just don't know what to think.

:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 1:57pm
It sounds like his working alot may be the culprit. Is there any way for him to cut back his hours? Do you think if you gave him a massage to help him wind down after work that he might get in the mood? Is it possible for you to get up when he does before work to have sex?

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 2:22pm

There are many reasons why people loose their sex drive but it's not always because of their SO.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 3:01pm
Thanks so much for the advice. Most of the things you listed are problems with him, "medications, being tired, over-stressed, anxious, new job, new responsibilities, financial problems, relationship problems (besides sexual), etc." He takes Zoloft for anexitey and he's often tired, stressed, and so on.

I understand that part and sometimes I feel selfish for wanting to do things he doesn,t (not just sexual). He comes home from work and just wants to sit around and watch TV, asks the routine questions ("How are you?" "How was your day") and then he completely ingores me for the rest of the night. It just bothers me I guess but I really want our marriage to work out because I love this man with all my heart. We did marry young I guess but we both wanted it and that part isnt an issue. We've been married for 4 months and I'm 21 and he's 22.

I just hate sounding immature and selfish because I understand his problem I just want to help him so he starts acting like the guy I fell in love with.

Thanks again for the concern though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 3:04pm
Didn't he work when you were single? I don't think you can blame "work". Everyone works, whether at a job, or even going to school.

Lack of sex doesn't mean your marriage is falling apart. If your marriage is falling apart, it's for some other reason(s). Sometimes lack of sex is just a symptom of OTHER problems outside the bedroom.

If you choose to, you can stand by and allow your marriage to go down the tubes, but a better choice would be to open up some communication, and try to find out exactly WHAT his problem is. Most problems are fixable, but only if you know what they are, and you work on them.

Start out with the physical aspects. How long since he's had a good physical? That's the best place to start. Make sure he tells the doctor that he's lost his sex drive. If he doesn't, then you should. There are lots of "silent" problems that can contribute to loss of interest in sex. Stress, depression, many medications, vascular problems including diabetes (which cause ED, and many men would rather pretend they're not interested rather than admit they have an ED problem....it's tied into their perception of being a "man".)

Last but not least, it's not how he feels about you......it's something else. You have to find out what that is. Communication is the key, and the answer.

PS: Sorry, I read your answer to Tish after I posted this. Your answer is there.....it's the Zoloft, which is notorious for diminishing the sex drive. Have him talk to his doctor about changing the prescription to Wellbutrin, which supposedly has less sexual side effects. Maybe he needs some counselling or therapy in addition to the medication, so that he can eventually handle his anxieties without medication. Good Luck!


Edited 8/15/2004 3:09 pm ET ET by greenteabag

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 3:24pm

I would have him talk with his doctor about the Zoloft.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 9:38pm


Thank you so much, Tish. You're reply's and advice are so helpful yet completely unjudgemental. I really appreciate you taking the time out to help me with my problem. I've had all day (my day off from work!:) to think about the situation and I don't want to be a nagging, unhappy person towards my husband so I am really going to try and do better and be more understanding. Thanks again!

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 10:04pm
Anxiety medications such as Zoloft can definitely be the culprit. The good news is that there are now many different medications for anxiety and he should ask his doctor to prescribe another such as Zanax or Paxil. I believe that I had been prescribed Zoloft a couple of years ago, and after a week my sex life went down the tube. I called my internist and he changed my prescription to Paxil which gave me no adverse side effects. Even at 74, I am not about to lose out on my great sex life with my wife of 49 years. Neither should he!! Good luck on solving his problem (and yours).