Men, Sex & Pornography - Is it Normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Men, Sex & Pornography - Is it Normal?
12
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 7:54pm
My husband and I are 33. We have 3 children, ages 13 (previous relationship), 3 and 20 months. My husband works 50+ hours a week and I am a stay at home mom. My husband wants sex much more than I do. He would like it every night. I would prefer once a week. Not only am I tired at the end of the day, but I am just not as sexual as he is. Holding hands and cuddling is enough for me. My first question is how do we over come this? Is there a middle ground? I have never been one for having sex just because he wants to, when I am not in the mood.

Also, many times (once a month or so) if I say no, he will tell me he can't sleep and he goes to "watch tv". I have found that this means he has pulled out his adult movie and is using that to masturbate. This upsets me a lot. I have told him this and he says "I am a man, that is normal". Many months ago he would order pay-per-view and every month when I paid the bill I would comment about it in a negative way. Last November the movies were no longer showing up on the bill. Two months ago my 3 year old happened to pull out a pornographic DVD from his briefcase. Not only did this bother me that he had kept it form me, but also that he was still doing this. Is it really normal? How do we come to a middle ground?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 8:14pm

I don't see anything wrong with a guy (or woman)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 8:56pm

I don't see anything wrong with what he is doing.

CL-Yasmin1967

May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 10:28pm
Well, I think a lot of guys look at porn - my dad just died about a month ago and I found a 'porn stash" out in his workshop.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 10:59pm
I agree with the other posters. I think that masturbation is completely normal. I think Tish had some good suggestions for trying to get yourself in the mood in an effort to satisfy your partners sexual needs. I think agreeing to meet in the middle at 3-4 times a week is fair.

You might find that the more often you do it, the more you'll want to do it. Also, even on those nights when you aren't "in the mood" go with the flow and let it happen. You will probably end up really enjoying yourself and your hubby will be really happy. It doesn't have to be a 3 hour session, just strip down and go for it. I really don't think that an extra 15-20 minutes of sleep at night is going to make a huge impact on the next day. I sometimes have a problem rejecting my SO, so I am trying to take my own advice!

Best of luck,

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:42pm
Yes, it's "normal" for men to masturbate, even men who get all the sex they want from their partner. And, it's "normal" for men to use "inspiration", which could be movies, computers, or magazines.

How do you find a middle ground? By discussing it, and finding a compromise that you can both live with. As the others said, you've got to give a little. Don't be surprised if he STILL masturbates, but as long as he's taking nothing away from you, what's the harm in it? The only thing he should do is keep it in a place where the kids can't get their hands on it.

You said you made "negative" comments when you found the bill for the pay per view. Was that because it was porn, or because you couldn't "afford" it? Either way, negative comments get you nowhere....they just make him hide things. Start communicating in a positive way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 1:56am
The other posters have said just about everything that needs to be said. I'm in your husband's position, I have a very high libido, my wife has a very low sex drive. She know I sometimes watch porn and its not an issue for her, although it was at first. We talked, she's watched some with me from time to time.

But you didn't say what upset you about the fact that he masturbates and I hope you don't feel like everyone here is just coming down on you. There's nothing "wrong" with you because you only want sex once a week, but likewise, you have to realize there's nothing wrong with him either. Sex drive is not something he can just turn off because you're not in the mood or just because you don't want him to masturbate. If you're hungry and he doesn't want to eat, it doesn't make you any less hungry, does it? Sex is an essential need that's going unsatisfied for him. You said hand holding and cuddling are enough for you. Imagine if he decided he'd only hold your hand or cuddle once a week or so, and totally avoided making physical contact with you the rest of the time. How would you feel? Going without sex for several days in a row can be no big deal for the lower libido partner, they don't want it in the first place. Its a much, much different feeling for those of us on the high libido side.

If having sex more frequently is not an option for you, then I'd suggest easing up on him about what seems like an occassional indulgence with porn. You might also want to check out the Clashing Libidos message board too. There are a lot of regular posters on both side of the high/low libido issue, men and women. It could give you some more insight, support and suggestions.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 3:52pm
Normal for a man to be interesed in women and sex? Yes. Normal to use pornograpy? Well, that's debatable. Not all men use porn, and my DH is an example of that fact. It depends on the man and his own principals and standards. BUT if you don't want your DH using porn to supplement your sex life, then make yourself more available to him. You have to be willing to compromise in marriage, that may mean having sex a little more often than you might like and for him to expect it a little less than he might like. It's really not fair to ask him to stop masturbating though, if you aren't willing to meet him in the middle on frequency, is it? Maybe he'll agree to put the porn away for a while in exchange for sex with you a couple more times a week.

I definitely think he needs to be more discreet about the porn if your children are becoming aware of it! Talk with him and try to work something out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:53pm
Great post. I hope that my post didn't sound like I was coming down on the OP. I didn't mean for it too. I agree that both she AND her husband are normal. Good suggestions. Its all about compromise.

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 11:17pm
I agree with the others that there's nothing unusual about what your husband is doing. I can especially relate to the times when he can't sleep without some kind of release, I guess that's just a 'man thing'. In my case I would go in the bathroom and quietly try to take care of myself. Not very satisfying, but it was better than nothing, which was the only other option. There is one option that no one else has mentioned, so I'll suggest it. On the nights when you're not in the mood for sex and he is, especially if he gets up to go 'watch TV', have you ever considered saying something like "Stay, let me take care of it" and then give him a hand job or a blowjob? I'm sure he would prefer that to jerking off while watching a porn video; I know I would have been overjoyed if my wife had offered to do something like that. For some reason it's difficult for a man to ask for something like that, especially after he's been turned down for sex. Think about it, it may be a compromise that you both can live with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 5:19pm
you should try exploring your sexual desires, what, honestly would turn you on, wether it be a porn or a shoe, talk about this in a mature and openly fashion. I think the majority of people are not honest when it comes to there lovers, you can come to a happy compromise if you just reach deep into your passion.....how you do this....H..honestly..O..openly....W...willingly.........good luck...xox

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