men: theory please
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| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:00am |
Theory; men please
Of course open to the ladies too.
Past would dictate, guy meets girl, girl is optimistically cautious and guy pushes, romances her with flowers, calls her, nice dinners...gets her to commit, aww, she gives in, he doesn’t do this with everyone right? Wrong, ha! They do the deed in 3 weeks, one or two weeks later guy decides this isn’t what he’s looking for. Why is this a stereotype of what men do in relationships? Sure, he thinks he knows you but he doesn’t...he’s infatuated like a new toy. My question is, what is the point? I find it hard to believe he’s doing all this work for one thing and one thing only.....go hire someone if that is the case, LOL....
Thought this would make a good post! I get burned every time. (This was posted on another board but I thought you guys here would have interesting opinions!)

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I think you're missing her point, hump...
"Believe it or not iv there are still people in this world who still have values and ethics which may differ from yours. Some people believe that sex should be reserved for that someone special, not treated as a handshake with an orgasm. Im not saying casul sex is wrong, but its not for some people."
The POINT is, that if a man has sex with you on a first date, then THOSE ARE HIS VALUES. They aren't any different from yours. Only the chauvinist has two sets of values.
What aisha is saying is that if a man isn't a chauvinist, you'll be on equal footing at all times. If things DON'T work out, it's because of other reasons, NOT BECAUSE you had sex with him. See the difference?
So if a man's values dictate that...how'd you put it? "sex should be reserved for someone special." then he should adhere to his own values as well. He should refrain from having sex until three months of dating or whatever....not have sex on a first date and then look down upon the woman who did the same thing. She isn't anything he isn't?
>>Some people believe that sex should be reserved for that someone special, not treated as a handshake with an orgasm. Im not saying casul sex is wrong, but its not for some people.<< Yes, I agree. However, a *good* man who believes this will not have sex on the first date - or on the fifth date. So, the problem is circumvented.
A good man will either have sex quickly and still respect her. Or, if he doesn't believe that people should have sex quickly, he won't have sex until he's ready.
>>those stats are well documented, nothing is ever 100% one way or the other.<<
Again, which stats? Don't quote "random" stats at me without evidence.
>>Gee how many did he have that didnt work out that started with early sex?<<
About 2, I think. My DH hasn't had that many sexual partners.
>> If you were as astute as you claim it wouldnt take you but a couple dates to figure him out.<< Point taken.
>>Talk about generalizations..maybe they just wanted a man in a committed relationship before they were gonna have sex.<<
So, how long does a guy have to wait before she shows enough interest for a kiss and cuddle? That's what we're talking here....complete lack of any indication of interest in persuing a relationship.....however, happy to go for free meals.
>>They still run their life based on a value system that is different than yours<<
Yeah, sure there are many different values out there. Some people wait for sex and that's OK. Some people have sex quickly and that's OK too. The only thing that isn't OK are men with double standards....ie; those who will have sex quickly but scorn a woman who does the same as him.
>>I got a little bothered by her high and mighty additude. <,
That's OK. I got bothered by your implying that all men are so shallow, so I suppose we're even.
>>But to say that the best way to meet a mate for life is to start having sex right away, then see if you get along ,..well that method isnt for most<<
While it's my way, I didn't say that it was the best way for everyone. Also, I *do* speak to a man before I have sex with him. I need to know that I like him and his attitudes before I get into bed with him. My point to the O/P was that a *good* man won't dump you simply because he's used you for sex and has then had his fill. Good men simply don't behave that way.
>>Sex , more often than not, just gets in the way.<<
How so?
>>Just because the sex is awesome it doesnt mean the two people are compatible.<< Agreed.
>>When a relationship starts out as a sexual one, MOST peole really dont get to know the other person, the relationship is all about the sex.<<
LOL You make is sound like sex is the only thing that gets done in the time together. On the weekend where I met my DH, there were too many hours for just sex. And during those hours we talked and got to know each other. We already knew that we liked each other from our conversations pre sex, but this extra time cemented it. Actually, we even broadly discussed our dreams for the future. In my case, talking and getting to know each other is *more* important than the sex. The sex is just the icing on the cake.
Sorry if we misunderstood earlier posts, sometimes what we type doesnt always come out right in its meaning.
Actually, I do confuse love and lust. However, that lust is there whether I have sex or not. To be honest, the lust is even more overwhelming if not acted on.....I find that once we have sex, the lust settles somewhat and I can see a little more clearly.
Oh, and I also confuse the buzz from having someone interested in me with love and lust. And infatuation gets mixed up with it all too.
It's all very confusing.....
edited to add:
I only feel that lust - and sleep with - someone who I really 'click' with. You know when you meet someone and it just works? When you finish each other's sentences and you seem to never run out of things to say. When there's no awkward pauses or misunderstandings? When you seem to be already on the same page. When you don't have to question if they feel the same way as you. I don't feel this way with every man I've dated, nor have I slept with them all. But naturally, those dates don't last very long.
Edited 12/6/2004 6:54 pm ET ET by iv_aisha2004
nygal,
I haven't read the other posts, maybe you have already come to a conclusion with this. However, something you may keep in mind is that our thoughts and beliefs create our realities. Whatever we believe to be true becomes true for us.
Allow yourself to consider that your theory is wrong, and then imagine how you would feel if the it was. Just for fun live your life over the next year reminding yourself that there are men that will love you and take care of you. There are men that respect you and will want to have a deep, intimate relationship with you, that will last for your lifetime.
What have you got to lose? If your theory is right then there will be no change...so what? You're not out anything. If I am right, than you will have what you want.
Good luck and keep the faith.
Scott.
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