Mind Problems
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Mind Problems
| Tue, 08-15-2006 - 10:34am |
Here is the deal. I have been with my GF for about two years now. We have had our ups and downs, like any couple. The fact of the matter remains we are head over heals in love. I bought her a promise ring, I'm only 21. We are going to be living down the street from each other at school and we are making plans to move in together after this school year is over. My problem is that when the relationship was new, I messed around with my ex over the summer. I feel so bad about this I don’t know what to do. I want to be honest with her and tell her but I am 99.9% sure she will leave; she is a very strong and smart girl. I could say nothing and she may never know, but I am afraid that one of my room mates at school may say something to her if the right amount of alcohol is involved. I am so afraid of loosing her and I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any advise I would love your input. My second problem is with my member. According to all the studies I am average. I know there is know way for me to be sure but, I am sure that she has been with bigger guys then my self, I can just tell. On more then one occasion I asked her and she said she could not remember. When we were looking at toys I said what’s the biggest you’ve been with we will get something that will fill you up the way you like. She again avoided the question. What do you think this means and what can I do about my insecurities?

Well, you've got a lot of problems going on here. First, the "messing" around with the ex"......What is "messing" around? Did you have SEX with her? And, how does anyone know about it? Usually, people confess their sins because they have a guilty conscience...not because they want to be "honest". If the confession hurts the other person....then two people are suffering, instead of just the guilty one. Then again, if you think someone might tell her, it would be better coming from YOU, not another person. This is something you'll have to decide on your own.
PLEASE forget about the size of your penis! If you understood female anatomy, you would know that it makes NO difference at all. There is no such thing as "filling her up". A woman's vagina, when aroused and relaxed, will be "filled" with ANY "normal" penis. The vagina doesn't just fall open into a gaping hole! It relaxes to the point of allowing a penis to enter it, and then tightens around the penis, no matter what the size.
She's a very smart girl, indeed. She refuses to discuss her past relationships with you because it makes NO difference to you, or to her. She's not with them, she's with YOU. If someone in her past had a large penis, so what? She's no longer with them, therefore that large penis must not have meant much to her.
Most women don't get as much pleasure from intercourse as you think, because there is little or no feeling inside the vagina. The vagina is NOT a woman's main sexual organ, the clitoris is where all the nerve endings and feelings are. 80% of women don't have orgasms from intercourse alone, it takes clitoral stimulation at the same time. Women will have orgasms from foreplay, long before the penis comes into the situation!
The best lovers in the world are not the ones that have the biggest penises. They're the ones who understand how a woman's body works, and they use ALL their "tools" to pleasure a woman....their hands, their mouths and tongues, and their penises. The best lovers are unselfish, and make sure their partners have had their pleasure before they move on to intercourse for their own pleasure. "Ladies first" always works!
How can you get over being insecure? By understanding that she's chosen YOU...not anyone else. By accepting that there's more to a relationship than sex.....and that if she's happy with you, she'll stay with you. Insecurity is NOT good for any relationship. You get over insecurity by accepting yourself, and loving yourself. It's very difficult to love someone who doesn't like themselves! Everyone has some insecurities, but they get past them by realizing that no one is perfect, and you are what you are, you can't change yourself physically, for sure. I'm sure you have a LOT more to offer her than just a penis, and I'm sure she sees a lot more in you than your penis, too.
Stop worrying about things over which you have no control, and start enjoying your life with your girlfriend. About the "confession".....I don't know. That's something you'll have to decide for yourself. Good Luck!
As someone who's cheated in a past relationship, I think the guilt will eat you alive if you don't confess, but that doesn't mean you have to. You have a point, that secrets usually will out themselves at some point, and it can be more devastating to all involved if it happens later rather than sooner. So you have decide which is better: owning up and dealing with the consequences, or waiting it out and hoping she'll never find out. Neither is an easy option. We make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them. I would never dream of cheating on a partner again, for any reason, and I had to learn that the hard way. I hope that whatever you do you can deal with the guilt productively and forgive yourself.
"When we were looking at toys I said what’s the biggest you’ve been with we will get something that will fill you up the way you like. She again avoided the question. What do you think this means and what can I do about my insecurities?"
Let it go, hon. Bigger ones are more enjoyable to some women, but some guys think bigger boobs are more enjoyable than smaller ones! It's a matter of preference, but those preferences become unimportant when you're with someone you care about. What's most important is the way you make love--and I don't mean the in and out! Foreplay, how you use your hands and mouth, these things are infinitely more important.
Edited 8/15/2006 7:14 pm ET by batgirl5
Bottom line on both issues....you screwed up and her past partners have nothing, absolutely NOTHING to do with you, regardless of how big they were. Leave her alone about that. It's none of your business anyway.
And remember, you only want to fess up about the cheating so that YOU feel better and so that a roommate can't spill the beans inadvertently. So, your noble " but we're head over heels in love" just doesn't ring very true.
My advise....leave both issues alone unless you want to open a Pandora's box that you can never close again. And yes, she most likely WILL dump you if you tell her. So, what do you have to gain except a clean conscience?
What do I think? I think that you are showing that you are 21 years old and aren't ready or mature enough to settle down with this girl and get married.
Confess to her? Are you mad? That will ruin the relationship and only hurt her. Be a man. Suck it up, never admit to it and get on with being the best husband that you possibly can be. If you are sure that you are never, never going to cheat on her again, then don't be stupid and admit it. Yes, you were naughty but it's done and you don't intend to do it again. Admitting it or confessing to her only makes YOU feel better. You get to pass the buck and you are basically forcing HER to make the decisions about the relationship and whether or not you are "good enough" for her. Be a man, suck it up and come up with a good half-truth if she ever finds out from those alcoholic "friends" of yours. Of course, it they really know intimate details then you are screwed. But never admit it and always downplay it. You screwed up so face the consequences. But avoid hurting her at all costs.
Your penis? Do you like porn? Have you ever masturbated to a picture of some perfect gorgeous sexy woman that looked nothing like your g/f could ever hope to achieve? Would you give up having sex with your g/f if you could use that picture whenever you felt like it? NO, of course you wouldn't. Sex with your g/f is too much fun. Sure, the porn is fun too but it'd never replace the sex with your real live flesh and blood g/f, would it?
That's what a vibrator is like - it's fun but even the big ones are nothing like having sex with a real penis.
Anyway, so what if she's been with guys with bigger penises? You've got a good one on you. I don't hear many guys complaining if their new awesome g/f has breasts that are slightly smaller than the last, not awesome g/f. Same with the penis. Size doesn't really matter unless you are tiny or have a g/f that absolutely loves enormous ones. Get over it. In another 10 or 15 years you'll realise how stupid you are for thinking like this. Really.
Now go out and have fun. If you worry too much about this stuff, you WILL stuff up your relationship.
You messed around when the relationship was new, so that was about 2 years ago?
Sorry, I do not agree with the others with respect to the cheating. She has a right to know who she is sleeping with and planning her life with.
If you know that she would leave you, then what are you going to do if two more years pass or; or what if you have a child by accident; or what if you eventually get married? She has every right to know who exactly you are. It's not up to you any longer to decide what's right for her (her course in life)...you gave up that right when you cheated.
You have to own up to the consequences of your actions, whatever they may be. You give her the respect to decide what she wants to do with your "mistake." You do not continue to lie to her. There are people who would walk in on their SO having sex with another person and just walk away, no questions asked, no explanations desired. They don't want to know that it was a "mistake;" they do not want to hear any excuses. Some feel that it was a "choice" that you made--not a mistake. That's their perogative.
I say that you fess up to her and take the consequences. If you lose her, then she never would have been yours to begin with; not today, not three years, not twenty years from now. I say tell her, and take your chances. It's no longer your choice. You are in essence stealing her right to live her life the way she "chooses" to. You are continuing to "cheat" her out of her freedom to choose.
Edited 8/18/2006 9:44 am ET by rain_dancer_iam
Asking about penis sizes to a girl is bad. The one positive is in the event that you are the largest, your ego gets a boost (but you learn nothing about pleasing a woman or self-confidence). Why not boost your ego by asking her how much you enjoys love-making IN GENERAL. focusing on JUST your penis instead of ALL aspects of sex is silly.
Right now you are going down the path of destruction in two ways.
1) If it is confirmed that you are not the largest, you will be very self concious and you will also make her feel uncomfortable for telling you.
2) If she never answers the question and then begins to not enjoy sex as much. Not because you arent big enough but because your self-confidence is poor and starting to effect her attraction towards you.
Like others have said, leave it alone.
Now for the cheating issue, I agree with everyone's advice, except rain_dancer's(although her opinion is no less valid than anyone elses). If she is happy now, and you made one mistake, no one wins if you tell her. Everyone makes mistakes, and if it only happened once and a long time ago, and as it stands, it has ZERO effect on her current love for you. In contrast if you do tell her it will have A HUGE effect on her love for you.
You are not necessarily a BAD person. It isnt necessarily true that once a cheater always a cheater. You are not necessarily hiding the TRUE you or living a lie. If you are currently an awesome bf, that is what you ARE. If you cheated once that is what you DID. Cheating once means you are flawed. Try and work on those flaws and grow from them.
Not telling her doesnt make you coward, a horrible liar, or a bad boyfriend. It is a concious decision to protect her from pain.
I will close by saying this. Some people are old-fashioned and really really want to know. I knew a couple where the bride-to-be asked her husband-to-be (my friend) to be if he ever cheated on her. For her it was very important to know even though she NEVER suspected anything (at least to my friend's knowledge). I guess she felt that the principle mattered most. Marrying a man who slipped up once was against her principles and she wanted to dig and make sure he didnt. If you girlfriend is really hard core like that, you might want to consider rain_dancers advice.
Good luck